31 dec 2010

After so many months of deliberation I still have not gotten past the breakup. Many promises made to let go to move on all but just promises for that moment.

I'm watching beautiful fireworks outside a Fren's place yet I can't feel the joy that everyone has. I dun like feeling this way. But what are beautiful fireworks without anyone dear to share it with?!

What's wrong with me?! He's already moved on. Why can't I? Why is it so difficult? Why do I still hope?! Why can't I just let go and trust God?! What is wrong with me?

I know I can live life without this sense of heaviness and pain. Yet why do I keep choosing the other way?! It is ridiculous.

Daddy I really want out. This is not the life You intended for me so I am NOT going to live it!

Peace, joy, hope are what You've placed in my life! It is my birthright! I will not let the devil take it away!

My trust is in You! You know what's best for me so I'll leave it to You. You know what needs to be changed and only You can change it so I'll leave it to You too! Just fill my heart with Your love, Daddy!
Thank You for allowing me to pour out my heart to You and thank you for collecting my tears in Your bottle. :)

Thank you Jesus!

2011 resolution

2011年是个新的一年。我要从新做人。我要好好站起来做个有用的人。我不盼望他在会到我身边。也不期待有什么奇机。我受够了。从我们开始谈恋爱到分手的时候，什么都是为他而想。他太自私了。吃饭也不没想过我。受苦的时候也没想过我。到现在，他只想了他自己一个人。我为他付出的他也没想过。到此为止。我不要在为他或其他人想了。没次都是我为人想。没有一次是人家为我而想的。我不是自私。可是真的是首够了。我还是会去努力地爱人。因为这是老爸所想要的。可是能够靠近我的人就只有这一些了。不是没个人都会为我而付出的。我不会在去官那些对我不重要的人。我要做好我本分。不丹把工作做的有出色。还要吧家私公司高到有名有声的。我要成功。

也要在当中有个完美的家。我知道老爸已经有个人选了。我知道他不会令我失望的。只有老爸一直以来流在我身边。只有老爸鼓励我，安慰我。谢谢老爸。

我不会让你失望的。我会活得开心的。

25 Dec 2010 - Christmas spirit

It is Christmas and everyone is sharing the joy of the season, except some.

Got dumped with his shit and issues last night, although the intention as pure. Really grateful for God's grace, which allowed me to be prepared for the rejection from him. Being able to recognise my self worth and who I am to people has been awesome!

My status, job, the things I do, do not determine my worth and success. I have been made perfect in God's eyes and He made me beautiful and with a purpose. He will lead me and guide me to fulfill the purpose He has written into eternity about my life!

I am walking away. I still trust that God told me toulia is the one. However, I am walking away now. He will no longer take any more attention in my life. He is not ready to deal with what happened between the two of us. And I will not force him to. I am at peace. His rejection of me and the idea of us being friends hurt. However, it is his loss. Although I have my weakness, I also know who I am and what I have to offer.

Carol is right. Every person is a precious gem. And in every encounter, I need to ask what I can bring into the person's life rather than what the person can give me or how the person has done me wrong. And that, I shall do, as consciously as I can, until it becomes an unconscious attitude.

I am thankful that I have not fallen into the oblivious again. I still have no idea what God was telling me today. But my trust is in Him and not the signs I see. If Daddy God has said yes and has assured me so many times, though the relationship seems as dead as it can be, I trust that God will resurrect it just as He resurrected Sarah's womb and just as Jesus resurrected Lazrus.

I have too much to offer and too little time to do it. I need to focus on using the gifts that God has given me, to give back to what He has given me. I give, not cos I have to or want to work for it and pay for it, but cos God has given me so much!

Thank you Jesus!

I know that God will expand my circle of friends and He will also bring to pass the issues I have struggled with for the longest time I can remember. I am beautiful, I am bold. I am courageous and I know that God has great plans for me. He will surround me with friends who will love me for who I am and walk with me and help me grow. Iron sharpens iron.

I know that God is working on my behalf, over time, behind the scenes, although my circumstances does not seem to show that way. And I will be obedient and faithful and trust in the Lord, to provide what He promised.

I know that when God invites me into the boat, He will take me to the other side, where there are others who are waiting to benefit from my arrival.

22 Dec 2010 - what i want to say

There are so many things on my mind. SO many things I want to say. But most importantly, I really want to make things right with toulia.

I know that by restricting him to selected services cos I attend the Sunday day service (9 & 11) and i serve in the sat night service, I am not being fair to him. And I want to make it right by lifting that restriction. I know that he even has respected that and not really turned up at those service times cos he is a gentleman. I dont know if he did it cos he loved me, or cos he was just restricted. regardless, I am thankful. It gave me time and space to heal and recover.

I still dun understand what happened and why he chose to walk away instead of trying to make things work. But i have grown so much since and without this event happening, I doubt that i will be able to have that growth, so I am thankful for it too.
sigh... Daddy... will i ever be able to make it right? Will he ever be able to forgive me for it?

I really love him alot. And as i read more about relationships, i really want to share so many things with him. i miss the times that we used to hang out. :(

i really loved the times that i spent with him. i really wish that he would call. :(

so tempted to write him a letter and just pass the gift to simon to pass to him. however, i really dont have the peace to do it. somehow i guess its not time yet. perhaps in the new year. its pointless to write the letter if i am to meet with him, which I really hope that God will make it happen. My trust really is in God and if He doesnt make it happen, I definitely cant.

And i really just have to surrender.

It is a really painful time, cos I really miss him and want to be back with him. But yet, it is something that I cant say. I really wish that he still misses me and the good times that we spent together. And that he has the courage to take the step to give things another shot between the two of us.

Lord help me!

22 Dec 2010 - tempted

I'm so tempted to call him. even before consuming alcohol. even more so after consuming alcohol. But i had a really good time at the 2threads event. :)

although he has not called and its been almost 2 weeks since i called him, i trust in God to get him to call at the right time.

for some reason, i dont believe that he has totally forgotten about me. I am sure that he is doing his best to. But somehow i know that he still loves me. Its odd. hopefully i am not wrong. I really wish that we would be able to get together before the end of the year. I really miss him.

Part of me says its ok if he doesnt reply. Cos i know that God has someone for me. however I do also wish that he would reply. That we can get together again. But that is only for God to know. Cos only God knows if we are really compatible with each other and if we are willing to learn and make things work with each other. I trust God with my future.

God has been good to me. He has been encouraging me, teaching me and growing me. although many times i feel sad, disappointed and hopeless, God has encouraged me. And I am thankful.

I really want to know Daddy more. I feel like i know Him, yet i dont. And i guess, it'll take a long time to actually know Him. Perhaps forever, and I probably still dont know Him. :)

But its ok. Whether I know Him or not, I know that Daddy God loves me. And that's what really matters. I am precious to Him. That is why He looks after me. He encourages me. He stays with me. He shows me His love.

Gosh I really wish that Toulia will call me before the year ends. Really would like to make things right before that. And obviously, if possible, hope that God can reconcile our relationship before end of the year. However, I will not give up hope even if it doesnt happen. Cos I know that God is faithful. He is the only one whom I can place my hopes in. And if Daddy God says no, who am I to say yes?

I know that God knows best for me. And He leads me and guides me daily. I am thankful for the growth.

13 Dec 2010 - Hope, Faith & Trust

After the very encouraging declaration of boldness to trust in God for a restoration of my relationship with Toulia, I was bombarded with fears of "what ifs". What if he still didnt want to talk to me. What if he still hates me. What if he has a new interest already? What if, what if, what if.
And of cos, the "hows". How should i do it? Should i sms him, or call him or email him? What would be the best? And what would i say?
Then back to the what ifs.

It took an entire morning of struggling with God to believe and trust that He will see things through as He had and has always promised and done so. For my house, for my work and for my relationship.

This is the first and I strongly believe that it will also be the last relationship that I will have, and that I have trusted in God for. He provided the meeting. He provided the open doors and He kept things going.

I know my Daddy God is not a schitzo. He will not cause us to meet and fall in love and then say we are a wrong match for one another. True there is free will. And that is the cause of hurts and pains that we cause one another. If it is God's plan, nothing, no mistake that we make will ever be big enough to stop His plans.

When I took the first step to call him, it was hard. It was scary. Cos of the what ifs. cos of the disbelieve i had cos of the current situation. but God is sovereign. He is in control. If it is not the right time, He would not have spoken to me about it. I trust that my actions and thoughts are guided by the Holy spirit in me. And if it was my wrong judgment, that God will have the grace for me to deal with it.

The first call was long. He did not pick up. I questioned if he was avoiding my call or authentically busy and could not pick up. I was so disappointed when the call ended and he did not pick up. And I prayed. I could not lose hope. I asked that God work it out. My trust is in Him. I will call again if i need to, but the feeling was really overwhelming. I was so disappointed.

As I read the prayer to encourage myself and build my trust, suddenly the phone rang. something i never expected. He rang back!
Although his answer was rather disappointing, asking who I was cos he got a missed call, we managed to have a chat. it was nice.

i hope he feels the same too. My hope is in God. No one else can help me. And if God doesnt open the doors, no one else can.

Now that I got through to his phone, now it is up to him to get back to me regarding coffee. again, there is the fear of rejection.

i know there will be heaps more along the way. loads of what ifs that will get in the way. and I can only lean into God.

Although Minah is aware of what's happening, there is nothing that she can do. She is only human. I am in this alone with God. I feel that no one can understand. My heart leaps with joy, yet it is burdened with fear.

I need to keep placing my trust back on God, that He knows what is happening and what to do, and IS doing something about it all.

There's so much i want to say, but i dont know if it will ever be said. I must and can only trust that my thoughts and actions are guided by God. No longer shall I doubt it. No longer will I fear that my mistkae might be so great that God cant deal with it.

God is sovereign. He is Almighty. He is El Shaddai! He created the world. He created me. He knows what I am going through. How can He not be powerful enough to turn my mistakes around? And He will provide sufficient grace for me to deal with the consequences. Nothing is bigger than My God!

12 nov 2010 - God's promise

Received God's faith and confidence that He is a God of restoration and if I only dare to believe it, He would reconcile and restore my relationship with Toulia. 
Whatever that He gives me, He provides for. 
He gave me the house in Singapore and has been providing for it. 
He gave me the house in Rhodes and has been providing for it, despite my fears and circumstances. 
So it would be no different with this relationship. Daddy God gave me this relationship. He will provide for it. Regardless of what I see now and what I  and what has happened. He will provide for it. So there's nothing for me to worry about. 
My trust is in God! And He will bring things to pass in His time. 
I don't have to go about feeling sorry and upset for the mistakes I made. 
God has already forgiven me. Why should I hold on to it and be hard on myself when the One and Only Almighty God is not being hard on me?

I know it looks impossible but I truly believe that with God, anything is possible! 

I am not going to live my life restricted by the mistakes that I made and feeling sorry about myself for the mistakes I made. 

3 Dec 2010 - Reminders

Had a lovely night last night. Couldnt have been better. Yet still feel empty. Guess I wanted to spend it with someone special. But honestly, material needs and emotional needs wise, i had everything that i asked for or could ask for.

I AM blessed. I cant think of anything else that God hasnt given me or provided. I am content. Yet still i feel empty. For a moment, I was wondering if it was cos i had no one special in my life. And it might well be so. But i think i need to let go of that thought, otherwise i'm never going to feel happy and complete and filled until someone comes in and that's really unhealthy. :(

help! Daddy God...