31 oct 2010 - small

Looking at the vast population of Sydney I can't help but feel small. So tiny and small that I'm insignificant.  

Lead me by Sanctus Real and Simon's comments bout how his life changed cos he is married only brings tears to my eyes and an aching to my heart. 

I wonder for how long more will I be broken hearted. I feel so lonely amidst this ocean of people. 

I question the nature of relationships. Why are we people all getting together to form families and children? What propells us? What motivates us? Is it cos we r lonely? Is it cos everyone is doing it? 

Most importantly, why do I want it? Why does 1 sentence by him cause so much heartache? Why does his denial of my desire to be married to him tear me apart so much? Why did it cause such a big hole in my heart? Why is it still causing so much pain after so long? 

Is it cos of what I think it says about me? Cos his actions and his one sentence seem to say a thousand words? That I am not worthy? That I am not wanted? That I am of no worth and value to him. Is that what hurts? The rejection? 

And do I miss him so much and yearn for him cos he rejected me? Or is it cos we were truly God's match? 

Too many unanswered questions. Too little answers. I jus want the pain to go away. I jus want to stop feeling my heart at my throat whenever someone talks about marriage and engagement and babies.

Though I hurt, I don't know what to say to those around me. I don't want to burden them with my pain. Lord I don't know what to do. Help me.  

Minah said he has alot to learn. An I dun care. That's his journey with God. Not mine. He's hurt me n I dun wana know him anymore. I jus wana forget him. I can't think or see past my current days. N it's a daily struggle not to find someone to take the place. To fill the gap. I know it would be easier. But it will not make me better in the long run. I won't be healed n whole. N that would affect my future generation. N I dun want that to happen.

I need patience n I have to persevere. I cannot let the devil get the better of me n steal the privileged relationship with God.

30 Oct 2010 - Indescribable

For whatever reason, spend the day crying - whilst swimming, at the park for Andrew's bday, and at church worship. Was just aching so badly. For some reason I was just hurting. I dont even know over what. The dull ache is still there.

If not for God, I dont think I would be alive. I would not have the courage to wake up. I cannot find the purpose for my being alive. For some reason its just hurting really badly. But I dont know.

But my life is not mine to take. Its God's. Jesus paid for it with His life.

I really wish that the pain would go away. I wish God would show me what His plan is for me on this earth.

20 Oct 2010 - coincidence or sign from God or too much mentalising?

Its been happening for awhile. However I am unable to tell if it is a sign from God or just a coincidence (although I hardly believe in coincidence) or i'm just analysing things too much.

each and every time I run into Toulia or see his name somewhere or have a message that seems to be encouraging me to hold on, I had just been praying about my situation with him and crying out to God.

I honestly want to believe that it is from God, however cos I want it so bad, I have difficulty believing that it is from God. Cos I know that it could mean nothing (although if I have not mistaken, all things happen for a reason. There are no coincidences with God).

When I prayed about whether to wish him Happy Birthday or not, I end up sitting 2 seats away from him. And then he disappears for a long time.

Next I am upset and in the toilet and just telling God that I trust Him and although I cant see anything happening and I'll give up on toulia and not bother, I run into him in the garage.

And today, I am feeling upset again. I know that I am slowly forgetting him. Not that its a bad thing. But i still wish so badly that things were not the way they are. And I tell God that regardless of what I see, I trust Him, that He has a plan for me. and that's what matters. and then i take a paper bag that has a note and toulia's name is on it. it is addressed to him.

It could really be nothing. just coincidence cos his things are around. but it is really too much of a coincidence. At the same time, I find it hard to believe that after so long, God is still saying that toulia is who He has in mind for me and asking me not to stop believing!

I mean, seriously! It is pointless telling me that if the guy whom I am told that he is the one I will spend my life with, if he does not believe it, he does not hear it and is not sensitive to what God is telling him! It is ridiculous that I am hearing a different message from what he is receiving! this is ridiculous! so who IS listening to God?!

:_(

I am really struggling. :(

there's alot in my life now that I dont want it to be that way.
- the way i am
- how i get angry or rather how i respond when i am angry
- how i communicate or rather the lack of it or my inability to communicate how i feel and where i am at and what i need.

i want it all to get better. i want to grow. and i know i have grown. yet it is just not enough. i am still so useless. there are so many things that i still just cannot do right!

If not for God, if not for His grace and mercy, I dont think I can amount to anything!

I feel peace, yet I feel turmoil. I dont know what to do.
I want to do something, yet I dont want to do something.
There are just so many conflicting emotions I just dont know what to do.

I am afraid of going ahead and just doing some things cos i might just be getting ahead of myself. :(

yet i am afraid that if i dont do it now, i might just forget!

basically, i want everything!
I want to be perfect i think!

i think that's the problem!

:(

oh wells.... there goes another negative thought. need 10 positive thoughts to cast that one out! :P

12 Oct 2010 - Angry

Once again, as I suspect the promptings of the Holy Spirit, again I suffer the consequences. How in the world did I think that I would be able to put up with Andrew? We are just too different. Sounds like toulia telling me that.
But for now, focus is Andrew. Really pissed me off.
What was the point of him asking me to think about being a pastor when it was not in his intentions to ask me to consider being a pastor? wth....

Just doesnt make sense. What's the point of asking me to think about it? Food for thought? And after the whole going around in circles and asking me a whole lot of questions, he tells me he never thought of asking me to be a pastor.

what? am i that easy to be made a fool of?

Selah

God! If there is something that You want to tell me, I'm sorry I have not been able to get it through Andrew. Please show me as I read your word what it is that You wanted to tell me. Please stop making a fool of me. Please do not speak through Andrew any longer.

All I see in that dude is immaturity, a passion to challenge others and childishness. He thinks that what he says and do is right. That he is the most humble. That he is the most mature and it is just the total opposite!

Cant he see that he needs to change? Cant he see that the whole world is watching him? The world wants us to trip and fall. And fail. But I know that You wont allow that to happen. You have Your angels positioned all around us to lift us up in the incident that we should fall. But for how long is he going to be the way he is? Till he sees the error of his ways?

I am done trying to say anything to him, if that was your purpose - to use me as a messenger. And if You were using him as a messenger, he is not a very good one. He has caused me more grief that bring the message to me. Lord please speak to me in Your still small voice. And then through Your words from the bible. These are my most trustworthy sources. Although I do not want to limit You, please do NOT use Andrew any more.

I am really upset. And if there was any message that You wanted me to get, I am not getting it.

God save me. God help me. God deliver me from these emotions of mine.

I am so upset. I want to cry. I am so angry. I am just infuriated.

I dont know what to say.

I spent an evening with someone who at the end of the day drove me up the wall. And i dont even feel good about it. The food was nice but I feel fat. I could have stayed at home and had a easy dinner. cleaned up the garage and taken annie's mom to the spa. that would have been so much more fulfilling.

Why? oh why? did I have to choose to have dinner with Andrew? And let him drive me up the wall? And made the meal feel so shitty. Why oh why?

How can I be so silly?

I need to be more sensitive to the voice of the holy spirit!

God help me!

12 Oct 2010 - tender heart

I dont know what happened.
Reading Andrew's email and being aware of my behaviour last night has just created a tender spot at the place where my heart is. I dont know why.
Perhaps, having that revelation of my behaviour shed some light as to why I have commonly felt misunderstood. And also removed the bandage over the wound that I have. It is no longer an open wound bandaged up, but a wound uncovered, cleaned and healing.

I can see more and more that God is changing me. No doubt I am feeling very emotional. However I can see the changes. He is showing me who He made me. Not who I have become.

Through His love, His work, He is changing me.

I can see His tenderness working through me. He has softened me as a person.
He is causing me to lean on Him more than on people, to depend on Him and trust Him rather than people. (not that people are not trustworthy. well, in many ways we are cos we are flawed)
He is causing me to experience what love really is and not the selfish, self-centered way the world has taught it to me or portrayed it.
He is teaching me to trust in Him.
He is teaching me to look at the blessings He has given me (such as the friends I have, the job I have, the life that I am breathing.
He has showed me and caused me to understand that my life is not mine but His. Jesus exchanged His life for me! So my life is not mine!

As much as my heart is tender it feels sore, I feel light and joyous too.
And I am happy that I feel that way. :)

12 Oct 2010 - Focus

I can see God's hands in my life. I need to be more grateful for the things that He has given me rather than what I dont have. That's what the devil wants me to do - focus on things I dont have!

But what about the things I have?! They are not deserved. They are not my rights. They are still God's gifts to me, His blessings to me. So just because I dont have what I think I should, does that mean I have a right to get angry and upset?
God placed the inner longings within me. He will answer for that. He will be responsible for that. He will bring it to pass. In His time! And He knows best.

So what do I have in my hands?
A possible new job coming up = new things to learn. Exciting!
A new flatmate = new opportunities to share God's love.
An existing flatmate/friend to practice communication.
* Just learnt from her last night that I do not speak honestly of myself and my emotions. That really hurt me. I never knew I did that and always wondered why I was always misunderstood. There are many things that I do that is different from what I say.
A new season of singlehood. This means being able to do what I want to do without thinking of another person.
This means growing up and learning how to socialise better.

I need to focus on 2 areas of my life.
1. Eph 4:26 - Being angry and not sinning.
2. Communication. How to communicate what I am feeling without getting worked up and shooting off rebellious statements.

11 Oct 2010 - God Loves me!

God loves me and therefore He WILL give me good things only; regardless of how I view what my circumstances look like.

I can see that God has been dealing with me from a long time back. I can see His preparation on hindsight. I bought John Bevere's books in 2007 but have not been able to read it nor had the desire till now. When I first tried reading it, I had issues. I felt condemned. But now things are different. I give God's word more weight although it might not be what I like to hear.

Cos God loves me, He will protect me.
God will bring someone to me. And He is preparing that someone, just as He is preparing me for that someone. I will not focus on what has not happened but the promises that God has for me.

7 Oct 2010 - i really loved him

He was a fool for walking away for I really loved him. Loved him the way he was. Never wanted him to change. Obviously there were things about him that got to me. But then again, who is perfect? I still loved him just as much.

wished that he would have spent more time with me. I know he is in difficult situation. However, still wanted to be his priority. Still wanted to be important enough. And when I did not feel that way, of cos I got upset. I felt taken for granted. I felt unloved.

Obviously I had my issues. I was struggling at work, struggling to adapt to the Australian culture and making new friends and having them love me for who I am. I was struggling with my self-worth. Struggling to see my own value and not base it on how other people had reacted to me or treated me in my life time.

And of cos there were the daily hurdles that everyone else went through in life.

but amidst all of that, I tried to cope. But he never understood. He went off into his own world thinking he was not good enough for me and had to change and couldnt change. he could not give up what he had - his free time and his friends. It was a change for me too. But i dealt with it cos I loved him. spending time with him was more important that spending time with my friends. although i would not make the mistake of neglecting my friends in order to spend time with him. i did not want to give up my life because of him, but i was willing to sacrifice some of it and make some changes.

i guess he was just not up for it.

i really miss him and wished that he would be able to see the light of everything. but its all out of my hands already. it is in God's hands. If God doesnt bring us together again, then it means He thinks that we are not good for each other.

He has been involved in both our lives, from the start of our prayers, to after the split. I believe that He is still invovled, even though I do not see the changes, I do not see the results. I still believe that God is invovled. He will not leave me alone. He will not leave the relationship alone. He will finish what He started and He started on this relationship project, so He will finish it.

I do not know what is going to happen. I do not know if we will be back together. I wish that we would. but that is up to God. If He says no, then I would rather follow what He says cos He knows best and everything He plans is for my good. I will listen and not rebel.

My faith is in Him.

I have been receiving alot of teaching regarding Faith in God, Peace in Jesus and dealing with Storms in my life. I believe there is something that God is showing me. He normally shows me things before they happen. Such as the book and sermon on storms in my life before the real storm happened.

God is good and He has good plans for my life. Plans to prosper me, not to hurt me. Plans that will give me hope for my final outcome.

I will lean in and hold on to that promise!

4 oct - calling forth things unseen

I refuse to live my life this way any longer. Pining for someone n not believing that he will come back to me cos of what he said n did.

God is the Almighty one. He created us. He matchmade us. If He thinks that we r good for each other then who are we to say otherwise?!

If He can restore to others marriages n relationships that have been broken n turned away from one another cos of evil and another person then how much more my relationship? It was only guilt n self focus. N God being God always causes us to turn our focus back to Him! N by His mercy n grace we experience freedom. We get a reelation of our sins forgiven! So how much easier to turn his heart back to me?!

But I have to trust God! That He is working onmy behalf nd working things out for me! It is written that He has great plans for me. Plans to prosper me ns nit to harm me. He knows the numer of hairs on my head!

My trust is in God. If I can't trust God then there is no one else whom I can trust. And Jesus came and died for me so I hve direct access to God. N if I can't trust God then Jesus would have died in vain! So I HAVE TO TRUST GOD!

Holy spirit help me! Help me pray to change toulia's heart. That his heart may be soften.

Daddy this is proof/witness to Your goodness. You shall turn things around. I believe that toulia will come back regardless of what he said. Cos You are the Almighty one. Daddy this is proof that Your hand is on our relationship. Had always been n will always be.

You started this so You finish it. The storms are not going to stop You from bringing me to the other side. Holy spirit give me strength n faith to hold on to this.

Amen!

4 oct - how long more

I am to wait expectantly n confidently for God to fulfill His promise. Yet my eyes keep focusing on the here n now rather than His promises to me.
How can I be so short sighted to think n believe that God is so small?!?!?! He is the Almighty! Nothing is too difficult for Him. N it's not even a matter of whether He will or not. I do believe He will. He loves me.

It's just the wait that feels so ling that it seems like Daddy God isn't doing anything. What am I thinking of?!?! Of cos God is working only behalf! Why do I think so negatively?! Why can't I enjoy what He has given me? Ight here right now?

Like a good Fren like Minah?
And Annie. She has yet to know who God really is. She has yet to know Jesus!

So why do I keep lookin at what I dun have?! And not what I have?!

I have frens who love me!
I have frens who adore me! Frens who love me n care for me.
I have a roof over my head. I am not homeless. My new home is beautiful and lovely! It has a pool n a gym. Things that I havebeen asking for for a long time.
Why do I ask about my marriage? When I am getting married? Whom I am marrying?!
The Lord knows it best. He knows when I am ready to serve. He knows when my husband is ready to commit. He is the Matchmaker. What do I worry? Why do I worry?!

God is good. God is great! And He has created a beautiful day for me to enjoy!

I am not stayin in this space!

There is so much more that God has given to me. And I am going to enjoyevery single bit of it.

Given that I miss him n wish we were still together. But he has chosen to leave n if he is so perfect n God only gives me thebest then how much better would the other person be?!

No more looking at my lack but the abundance that God has given me!

27 sept - frens n loneliness

Toulia doesn't know what it's like to not have frens. He's lived here all his life. My moving here = leaving my family n frens back in sg. I have no one else here. 
Daddy didn't u tell him bout how I feel?that I was not coping? 
What do I do Lord? All the frens that I make here r mostly going to be frens for a season. Like Minah n Andrew n even Emily. 

Only Bernard n his family is stable n plans r to stay here. So is hardy. All the young ones I hang out with duno when they'll leave. They all seem to here for a season only.

It's difficult. But no one knows what I go thru except Jesus.

Why did I make the choices I made?