26 sept 2010 morn - clarity

I'm glad I had a chat with Minah and I'm thanful that she understands and has not taken things personally. At least that's what I hope for. I still have the issue to deal with. The pain, the hurt. But I know that God is good and He will deliver me. He will heal me.
Still wana take the drive alone. Not sure if I can get to take tue off. Would be lovely if I could take 2 days as Danny had promised. But well we'll see how it goes when the others get back. I'm getting unshameful un getting "rewarded" by Diana. It's definitely not what I've done. I know that fear is driving her. N I dun wana take advantage. But ... Sigh. I've gota pray about it. I'm listening to people more than God and that is Not right. Andrew will be the last I'll ask. He's point of view is very different from most people n I am intrigued. It is interesting. My eyes are opened. I am challenged.
No doubt I am annoyed when he keeps asking me bout Emily. It was a little too much. He is a brother and that is how I need to be able to treat him. Nothing more nothing less. There is lots to be learnt from him. I duno if he'll be in my life as a life Fren but surely for a season. For me to learn off him. I'm sure there is something that he can learn from me too but that's between him and God. There's much to learn for him too. Especially in the area of maturity. I know he thinks he is the most mature person he knows. And I dun deny that he is mature. But there is still alot to learn. Perhaps he knows perhaps he doesn't. But that is his journey. I am but a messenger.
Really wish to see Toulia. Miss him. Kept feeling that I'll meet him somewhere out of church. Out of Sydney. I don't know why. Perhaps that's my way of asking God to confirm if he is the one. Still think he is. But we'll never know will we? Just hope God helps me let him go quickly n easily.
Saw pictures in the phone. Tot I'd ridden everything bout him. But he keeps coming up. I wonder how things are on his side.
Oh Daddy. How I miss him. When will You fill that emptiness up Daddy? Really wish You can come in physical form and give me a hug. Really long for one. I want to feel Your physical touch. :(

24 Sept 2010 - Pain

I cannot understand what I am going through. For some reason I was really irritated and annoyed with Minah last night. I felt that she totally had no sensitivity towards Andrew. He had not had dinner yet and for her to make the comment she made, I dont know how he took it. He might say it is all good, but I really dont know.
Also, I am not happy with her asking him to fetch Emily back. And having done that, did not proceed to get the proper address from her, making us go in rounds. I am just terribly annoyed.

And today, learning that Loren had blocked me, cos I cant find her. That really upset me. Cos I did her no wrong and to be treated like that, I am really upset. It is ok if she doesnt want to add me as a friend or has taken me off as a friend, but to block me?

And then seeing Toulia's change in pictures and him on his new bike. I am just really so upset. The thoughts running through my head were "What did I do wrong?" "Why do I have to go through this?"

I know that God owes it to me to show me how immature Toulia was and not marriage material, cos I badly, desperately wanted to get married and had thought the world of Toulia. He showed me how much Toulia was unable to accept me just as how annoyed I am getting with Minah.

And I pray that God will help me and give me the grace to deal with the things that keep coming up about Minah. I think mostly I am still holding a grudge, a bitterness against her and blaming her for playing a part in my breakup with Toulia.
- the lack of personal space to be with Toulia,
- the financial stress, which adds to all my other stresses,
- the emotional stress regarding her pregnancy.
in addition to all the tiny little things that I sometimes already get annoyed with her about, such as finishing my food and not replacing it.
I really think we should stop sharing groceries. She buys her own stuff and when I cook and offer it, that's fine, but otherwise better to separate it. some things we can share, but others, i dont know.

I dont want to deal with any of this. It is not mine to deal with. It is God's to deal with.

God gives me enough grace to deal with what I have to deal with daily. And I am facing that with Minah. I have to talk to her about it. And I hope the Holy Spirit helps me to communicate what I really want to communicate with her.

sigh...

it is not her fault. It has nothing to do with her. It is MY perception. And I need to deal with it. But I am not doing it very well as yet. But it is affecting my relationship with her.

:(

I really dont know what to do. I dont feel that I should tell her, but I feel that I have to now, cos I think it is causing some friction and issues.

:(

21 Sept 2010 - I must be lying to myself

I am definitely lying to myself.
I am attracted to Andrew. And I dont know if i really miss Toulia or I'm using him as a shield to protect me from future hurt and disappointments. Perhaps that is why I cant let go.

The dude has moved on. He has chosen NOT to love. Not just love me. But he has chosen not to love. None of his actions are acted out of love.

I know there are times i hate him. But generally i dont hate him. I dont know if i really want anything to do with him now anymore. my emotions are all still a mess.

And then there is Andrew. I cannot identify what it is that I am attracted to about him.

having spent the whole day with him and he waited for me for several appointments, and got to play dota too, i woke up feeling really good. looked forward to meeting him for lunch too.
but as soon as he cancelled, i know my emotions took a dip.

i dont want to feel that way again. i have to keep my distance..

i dont want to be disappointed again..

Daddy, i'm scared to be hurt. :(

i dont even dare think about another relationship. toulia was supposed to be the last. so if it didnt work out, then i dun wana pray for it anymore. its too painful. i keep making mistakes. and they seem to be the same mistakes. i dont seem to ever learn. and that's what scares me. :(

i dont want to go through the "test" over and over and over again. cos i can never fail. i get to do it over and over until i learn what i need to learn. and i am scared. :(

19 sept 2010 - faint memories

He is growing distant. I hardly remember who he is already. But the memories we had were still so strong in my mind. I feel we've grown so far apart that we'll never be able to pick up here we left off. He's really gone from my life. It hurts. N I miss him so much. N the words he las said still cuts deep. The pain of that rejection still hurts. Really wish it'll go away.

I no longer want to think bout him. Dun wana know whether or not he is the one. I jus want to be happy. I want to enjoy the life n peace that God had given me. I know God is looking after me. He is looking after what I want and need.

He will provide for me. Health, money, friends, mentors n even my life partner.
He is healing me as I draw closer to Him. I enjoy the peace He gives me.

I wana shut out the things the world says. I do not want it to shake me and affect me anymore. I want to be an ambassador of love.

I wana serve in discover next. I have to go to church for 10am Svc next sun and serve in discovery.

15 sept 2010 - arvo

Hearing Marina share that she got married only at 45 scared the life outta me. I dun wana get married only then. Already I feel like I am past my time. I honestly tot tat I would have been married within months of being with toulia. That was 2 yrs ago at 32 max 33. But I'm goin on to 35 already and not even attached yet. I'm not even ready for another relationship even though I so badly want one. :(

what did I do to myself. Without God's love for me to look after me I tink I would be nowhere. Even though I duno where I'm heading but I do know that God knows. So I'm looked after

Sigh
I gota stop taking steps back. :(

14 Sept 2010 - evening

Had a couple of revelations today (if i might even call it revelations)

1. Maturity has alot to do with a person's grace & understanding of things. Acceptance of people and how they are, because they probably have been through similar situations, or have had people around them experience it.

2. Pride kills. God has NO choice but to break me if I am proud! and in the midst of breaking me, cos we are interlinked with everyone, other people gets affected. The more proud a person is, the harder they will fall!

How to tell if a person is proud or not depends on how teachable a person is.

I have had a few thoughts of my own regarding the entire relationship breakdown and whats not.
but i guess i am keeping it to myself or rather i am putting them all in a box and giving them to God. No point looking at it anymore. If God hasnt done anything about it, then I dont see why I should.

And Vlorin is right. I keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards. I keep looking backwards. And i do remember God warning before NOT to look backward, cos then I can be of service to Him or His kingdom!

So I just have to look forward and one day I'll see the light.

Vlorin also said not to pray for relationship at the moment, which I totally agree. I totally am NOT in the mood for any relationship. Least to say, I still miss him. Which i do hope i'll forget about soon. :)

i need to find my feet around myself first... then i can have all other things follow. :)

10 Sept 2010 morn - wow

Its been an interesting week.
from realising that i've nothing for Andrew to having my resentment towards minah revealed and forgiveness released.
its honestly still amazing. God is amazing.

And i want to learn more about love, about humility.
i promised God that from now i will change in the way i respond to things. i will hold my tongue until the next day before i speak regarding any matter. i will write it down and when it no longer matters the next day, i'll cross it out. if it matters, i'll deal with it.

and by the end of the year, i want to have been moved up another level in the capacity to love.

i still miss toulia. but it hurts much less now. the thought of the loss of the relationship, the loss of the friendship causes hurt. especially the thought that he now hates me. i really wish that he could be here to hold me and tell me everything is ok. but that wish is far from reality.

terence said that ash has a job offer for me back in sg. should i go?
money wise, it definitely has to be worth my while for me to go back. however i dont think that it will be. they wont pay me so much.

but i have just grown my roots deeper into the grounds here. shall i uproot them just to chase after money?

no i dont think so. God will provide and increase the blessings that i have. He will provide for the money that i need. whether it is for the house or for the car or anything else that i really wana do.

I feel that there are alot of truths about myself that i dont even know. and i am only starting to realise them. through everything that's happening and the courses i am taking.

e.g. andrew said that i behave like a girl who has grown up with sg guys. but i beg to differ. i think that when i am with girls i am different. i know i have a tendency to blend in and model the people i am with. i dont know if it is good or bad. i guess if i am modelling only the good things, then it is good otherwise, it is bad. cos i should have wisdom in picking what i model.

i think i modelled toulia for him to see. so my anger is exemplified by how he reacts. i dont know. its all wild guesses.

but i do know that i model people to blend in with the group.

i am also learning more about what i value and my character. i am also learning to say no. as well as focus on me and my journey with God rather than others. i'm glad that God shut my mouth about minah. cos she didnt pay for the course, so it was not a waste of money. she had already decided that she wont join cos of the costs. however id id not knwo that and so each time she did not turn up, i just felt that she was irresponsible. thank God for revealing the truth to me.

i am also glad to be able to be of strength and support to others around me. and i thank God for putting the words of wisdom in my mouth so that others will be impacted. like last night's college where i shared about pride. it is something i've learnt and something i'm working on and want to see changed. and sharing that helped open some people's eyes. thank God for that. i would never have been able to open their eyes.

anyways, last day of the week. work to be done, campaigns to be churned out. and we'll take it from there. i dont want to take on too many things at a time. first priority is moving house.

after that then i'll look for the car. most to most, i'll get quarterly tickets since i do want to get a car. it would be great to get a car before summer so i can do more stuff.

in the midst of all these, i need to consistently and regularly spend time with God. That is the most important. I cannot forget. ITs the foundation of my happiness!

8 Sept noon - wow

So many things are happening. Danny is not around today.
but its all good.
slowly i feel bit more peace working here. not sure if its cos diana is not around. she does have a knack of making people stressed. hehe
i really have to learn to tune out once she starts talking.
honestly i have more peace talking to Danny than diana, although some things that Danny does annoys me.

was nice that Danny said i can take a few days off once everything is sorted.
and although i want to change my job, it is mainly cos of the pay. so hopefully God gives me the pecae to stay as well as provides me with the money that i need.

i am also glad that my head is now clear and there is nothing else between me and andrew (not like there was any in the first place) but on my part, i was not sure what those emotions were. was glad i had the attention. but having turned back to focus on God, i dun feel those raging emotions anymore and can take him like a brother. :)
i'm so glad!

regarding toulia, cant say much about my emotions. its always the cause of problems. i believe that he currently hates me to the core although he denies it. and i cant see in my naked human eye how anything can be restored and reconciled. but God is THE Almighty One, the alpha & the Omega right. so if He says it'll work, why would i say otherwise.

so not going to think about it anymore. I'm sure there are more things for me to do right now. At least i have quite abit of activity going on for the next couple of weeks.

definitely need to sort my taxes out. work out my hours and all. my current tax account is not very helpful (in a way) but at least it has taught me what i need to look out for and what i need to do. :) so that's good.

also, have a car to buy. it would be great to have a car on the weekend. :D
with michelle coming to visit, it would really be nice. a break from everything. and obviously would love to be able to take a break from everything once civ v & nba goes live. so hopefully i can have my break in oct.

and of cos there is the moving of the house. believing for 2 Oct move. that saves me 2 weeks rent. :) but otherwise, God knows the best dates.

i guess its kinda palming things off to God, but if it takes a load off me, why not. and for now, i really do not want to have anything else to think at this point in time.

i know i still love toulia. and i miss him heaps. i wonder whether he misses me and thinks about me too? if he remembers the good times? but that is not getting me anywhere, so i am packing it in a box and giving that box to God. :)

if God gives it back to me, it's all good. means i have a present to open. if He doesnt then He'll exchange it for another box. :D which is also good.

regardless, i'll get to have my dreams come true.

God is weird. He is mysterious and His ways are beyond my understanding.

Thank goodness He loves me! so I can love Him too. I am really grateful for all that He has done for me in my life!

The car that I want

Daddy, The following are the criteria that I would like to have for the car.

1. Looks good. Not too old looking (e.g. the 96 Seca or Yaris)
2. Clean and not broken in all places
3. Manual or Automatic doesnt quite make any difference. Prefer Manual though.
4. Low KMS
5. Better if its a lady owner, properly serviced cos she doesnt know better. :)
6. No need to do up the car in anyway. Everything's been changed
7. Automatic windows
8. Auto lock
9. Bout $2.5K or less than $30/wk. (better if its free)

7 Sept morn - to go or not to

I'm pretty sure this is a distraction. I so enjoy the attention that when i dont have it, i feel sad. But God doesnt want me to feel sad. It shouldnt be this way. I am not ready for any relationship. Regardless of Toulia or not Toulia.
And the session last night with the ladies have shown me my perspective on my sexuality.
I dont think it is too big an issue with sexual jokes, as long as it doesnt get too explicit and crude. And i dont treasure sex. I know i have suffered from the consequences of pre-marital sex - the guilt, the shame, insecurity, brokeness, etc. But i dont know how to value it.
when did that all change? I wanted to be a virgin till i get married. I'm far from being married yet have slept with many men already. how many soul ties do i have that needs to be broken? how trashy do i have to feel before i want to stop? I cant help having sexual fantasy thoughts. and i try hard not to let them stay. but its always "just a little bit more".
i guess toulia struggles with that too. i hope he is getting help and overcoming it.
i so want to be in a relationship. but looking at how i am responding to men and sex, i dont think i am ready. far from it. i dont know when i will be. but this is not my season. i am sure of it. i dont even wana think about toulia already - whether he is the right one or not. i'm just so tired and exhausted.
now, i just want to sort my apartment out. so i can know my cash flow.
and shortly after, it will be my trip to SG already. so just want to enjoy myself with my friends.
and its time to unwind a little and look for a new job. cos christmas is coming, so i can relax a little. i am just getting overwhelmed with work and underpaid. wana leave. :(

help!

6 Sept morn - still confused but more clarity

Vlorin replied to me. Reading her replies kinda opened my eyes to a whole new world. A world that I was not aware of before. It was inspirational. And i am encouraged to seek God more. Cos i want my own revelations of Him and from Him.
At least from her testimony, I can see some areas where God had been working in my life, but I did not dare to acknowledge. I was afraid. I was not sure. I didnt know how it works.
I am mindful not too make Vlorin's testimony THE only way God works.
At least I have an inkling now what some of the things God was trying to tell me. Much of it is still a blur. And i need to be more mindful of what I pray for so I can hear Him.

Such as seeing Toulia on Sunday. That was after a good night on Fri with Andrew. I remember the conversation I had with Minah and how I was feeling. I was wondering if there was to be anything else between Andrew and myself. And if I was holding on to Toulia on my own accord or not. I guess I never quite understood why I saw him yesterday. I'm still unsure. But I believe it is a sign from God.

Just like when I heard His messages and declared that if He was working in our relationship, then I'll see him at a session that I normally dont see him. However I also do not want to place too much emphasis on signs.

Just believe would be the best. And like what Vlorin said, when the time is up, God will send someone else if Toulia still has decided to keep his heart hard.

i am curious though when we say "our hearts are hardened" what that means?

anyways... at least now i dont feel the desperate need to have to listen to messages and "find" answers. I feel at peace. Sure there are still things that need to be sorted out. But its not that heavy burden anymore.

At least that's what i'm feeling at this moment of typing this blog.
And I do hope that this feeling stays.

I'm pretty sure my rest and sleep definitely makes a difference. :)
So gota stay disciplined. Otherwise, all other things are going to start getting in the way and get me upset. then i'll get upset at not being able to keep my cool and its a whole cycle of beating myself up.

hmmm so what should i do when i am feeling low? cos of lack of sleep or stuff...??

5 sept evening - is God mocking me?

I wonder if Daddy God is mocking me. Or He is responding to my request to face more challenges.
Seeing Toulia last night was ok. But seeing him again today really is too much.
What is God wanting to tell me?
Does it even have anything to do with me?
I have already tried to be very obedient. But toulia is ignoring me. If so, then why do I want to put myself in harm's way and get rejected?
*cries*

or is God reminding me that He still has great plans for me and toulia and He is asking me to be patient and wait?

I dont want to think about this. I dont want to think about anything. It still hurts. Its painful
:(

Daddy... hold me! *cries*
I miss him so much. I cant help but remember the times that we spent together. I cant help but remember the things he said.
It hurts so much. Am i still in denial?
Everything just seems so impossible. If a man's heart is hardened, can it be soften once again?
I so want my distraction. If my distraction contacted me, i wouldnt feel so upset. But then i cannot rely on him. I would be making the same mistake again. I have to stop.
I have to stay single. Until everything is sorted out. I thought things were sorted out, that's why Daddy God sent Toulia.
*cries*

If i knew that they werent, I wouldnt have gone into it. I really dont want things to turn out the way it did.

*cries*

Daddy....
Will i ever be ready?
I'm trying hard to keep my faith in You. I'm trying to trust You. Its so hard. Especially when I am tired.

Why did You send him my way today?
*cries*

You know that I am not in good space. WHy Daddy?

*cries*

5 Sept Morn - am I insensitive? Or r others too sensitive?

Had a good chat with Minah last night. I duno wat she is goin thru. Daddy am I tat destructive as the devil is leading me to tink? I'm so insensitive to such things. I guess tats wat toulia was experiencing. But it's not intentional. I never intended to let them bear the brunt of anything. Daddy help me. 
Tink I need to place a prayer life in our lives. We often talk bout stuff but never pray for it. 
I'm so tired last night after staying up so late. I definitely have to keep away Fr tinking bout anything. No Andrew no toulia no Minah n no issues tat I need to handle. 

4 Sept morn - Peace!

I love God's sense of laughter. Cos He makes me laugh. :D

Was praying bout toulia yesterday. Wasnt sure whether to greet him happy birthday or not. and asked God. eventually forgot about it! and guess what, I ended up sitting 2 seats away from him when i got to church! hahaha

anyways, i felt peace. No more discomfort, no more anger, no more upset. just wanted good for him. and decided to wish him happy birthday. didnt know if he would talk to me. and obviously he didnt. and felt like a coward not being able to just rock up to him and say happy birthday. so eventually took the chicken exit and msg him happy birthday. :)

was bit disappointed that he didnt even reply thanks. but well, if he is not ready then its not my prob anymore.

perhaps that's why andrew is in my life at the moment. i know that there is nothing between us. but he is definitely a distraction. although i am mindful NOT to lean to him for comfort. God is still my comfort. I do NOT want to make the same mistake again.

There are some things that still get to me about the entire breakdown. i am still skeptical and cynical.

BUT i do know that I no longer harbor any anger or resentment or bitterness towards toulia as a person. still dont see eye to eye with the behaviour, but that's ok. God will deal with it. :D

I am glad to be free!

as much as i am enjoying this peace and no trials season, i do look forward to having trials. cos being able to respond with peace and stability, it really feels good! cos i know i passed God's test!!!

and i believe that God is bringing me up a notch. He is growing my faith in Him stronger. I am sure He has great plans for me. And wants me to be able to look at Him in times of trouble and stay stable, trusting, faithful.

This is a dangerous statement, but I am looking forward to more trials. I wana be stronger, more patient, more obedient! :)

3 Sept noon - confused

I am still feeling very uneasy about certain things. Like whether Toulia is the one for me or not.
I know for sure at the start of the relationship, he definitely was the one. But i am not sure about now. I know that if he is still the one God has in mind for me, God will convict him eventually. But for now, i dont know. I cant see what's happening and i dont know what is happening.
but i do know that he WAS the one for me and so was i for him.

I have also been bit obsessed with wanting to receive messages from Andrew. Think it was the same as before I met toulia. Feels the same as after I met up with Colin during conference. I guess i am too anxious about it and really long to be in a relationship.

whatever it is, i dont like it.

What i do like however, is this sudden hunger/desire to find out more about the gift of FAITH. I think God spoke to me this morning about my gifting. But it seems to be a very mellow gift. something not loud or obvious. so how do i use it? is it only for myself then? but all gifts are supposed to be plucked for others isnt it?

anyways, i am excited. also want a car. promised God that if He were to get me a car (free) i will serve in the 8am service for 6mths. i dont know what i'll serve in though. most prob new christians - the discovery course.

i am really happy being in TV land. however, i do want to get out n socialise more. i want more human interaction. as much as i love what i am doing, i still wana be around people more.

cant wait!

cant wait to move house as well.

still dont know about changing jobs. do really feel like staying here but then i feel underpaid. been told that people with my experience is getting paid $70-80K in bigger agencies. so i feel underpaid.

sigh...

anyways, see where Daddy God brings me.

2 sept evening - :(

2 sept evening - :(
Shoot's over. N I have not stopped checking for msgs from Andrew. I know i need space. This is definitely a rebound.
I still can't stop tinking bout t. johanis's story is still riding in my mind. I so wana talk to someone bout it yet I know it won't make any diff.
N the things tat Joyce meyer has been saying. I jus feel God is trying to tell me something. But I duno wat. Sigh. I wish I was more alert to the holy spirit. :(

Help me God!

2 Sept 2010 morn - questions again

Johanis shared his story last night. It was the second time this week already or rather in the last 7 days that i was wondering what God was trying to tell me. I wish i was less dense. I wish the Holy spirit spoke stronger to me.

:(

i kinda can tell that God is wanting to tell me something, yet i cant really put my finger on what it is.
I guess (hope) that it will eventually come through. I just dont know when.

Regardless, the one thing i know i need to do is TRUST GOD!
no matter what questions i have, no matter what i dont understand, no matter what i am or am not getting.... the only one thing that i DO have is Trust in God!

there is no one else. there is nothing else.

And if He was willing to let His one and only BELOVED son die for me and not just die for me, but Jesus suffered for me. He was rejected. He was betrayed, He was whipped and wounded. He took on grief and sorrow. He took on EVERYTHING on the cross!!!

So I can be blessed! I can have righteousness with God. There is nothing else that I can ask for!
No matter how hard things are, nothing can be more difficult than knowing that my one purpose is to die! So that others can benefit!
Who can do something like that??!?! Yet Jesus did!

I need to learn to understand, accept and embrace that trials and challenges are important, cos it will build me. It will build my character, it will build my faith and it will build my trust in God.

Then the devil wont be able to shake me as much as he does right now, which honestly annoys me.

things WILL become easier!

31 Aug night - said too much

i've said too much talking to andrew. :(
it was good talking to him. reminded me of the old times with toulia.
its funny when i dun hear anything about him, i start thinking good things. but the minute i hear about him, i start getting angry and upset. Daddy, i cannot comprehend.
and i dun like it. i dun like getting angry and upset.
i duno how to handle this. you need to help me. you need to work it out.
i constantly remind myself that toulia has walked out of my life and it is a fact. it is a past and it is a fact. it might not be the truth, but i know i do not have the faith to go there. going there will just destroy me. it will bring me down again and since i do not have that faith, i might as well just avoid. RUN from the temptation.

I do miss him much. lots. in fact thought about him lots today. fantasized about him. perhaps cos i feel its "safe". but i know that it is wrong. God knows what i'm thinking. :(

and i really should stay away from andrew. i know he is a good guy. and would be a good friend and support. but when i cant keep my mind pure, it is best that i stay away.

i would love a mentor. but if God hasnt send any, then i guess He doesnt think i need one. i think He wants me to learn to lean on Him, to turn to Him for everything. and a mentor would take me away from Him.

i am barely making it through the day without wanting to turn to someone for comfort, for help, for advice. when the wisest of them all is just a call away. yet i refuse to call to Him.

i'm still learning. learning how to communicate so i dont have to throw a temper/tantrum to manipulate situations. its not conscious. it is unconscious. the venting of my frustrations is to get a respond, a result that hopefully is what i like. but isnt it easier to just communicate what i require?
i really need to learn that.

:(

God help me.

this "growing" journey is really so not fun.

i have to learn to be like an adult. to do the RIGHT things and refrain from doing what i feel like doing, especially cos now i know it is wrong. :(

the more i learn about God, the more exciting. however the more i learn about Him, the more i learn of the things that i have to do as well and i do not like it. not one bit. :(

sigh.. i really wish that toulia had a good day today. i'm sure he would be really happy that simon and the cg celebrated his bday with him, since his previous cg didnt bother.

i wish he would think of me. i wish he would miss me. but it is all empty wishes that would get me nowhere.

it is better now to just move on and forget about it. forget about him. forget that he ever existed. wishing that he missed me and was thinking of me is just futile weak attempts to hold on to the past.

i am getting a sickie off tomorrow. why am i still feeling so depressed and miserable?!
god, you really need to do something about this.
oh... hmm yeah.. i need to sleep.. haha

alright... i will go to bed now. and i am sure tomorrow will be much better.

perhaps then you can tell me more about what it means by to praise you for who you are?!