I'm pretty sure this is a distraction. I so enjoy the attention that when i dont have it, i feel sad. But God doesnt want me to feel sad. It shouldnt be this way. I am not ready for any relationship. Regardless of Toulia or not Toulia.
And the session last night with the ladies have shown me my perspective on my sexuality.
I dont think it is too big an issue with sexual jokes, as long as it doesnt get too explicit and crude. And i dont treasure sex. I know i have suffered from the consequences of pre-marital sex - the guilt, the shame, insecurity, brokeness, etc. But i dont know how to value it.
when did that all change? I wanted to be a virgin till i get married. I'm far from being married yet have slept with many men already. how many soul ties do i have that needs to be broken? how trashy do i have to feel before i want to stop? I cant help having sexual fantasy thoughts. and i try hard not to let them stay. but its always "just a little bit more".
i guess toulia struggles with that too. i hope he is getting help and overcoming it.
i so want to be in a relationship. but looking at how i am responding to men and sex, i dont think i am ready. far from it. i dont know when i will be. but this is not my season. i am sure of it. i dont even wana think about toulia already - whether he is the right one or not. i'm just so tired and exhausted.
now, i just want to sort my apartment out. so i can know my cash flow.
and shortly after, it will be my trip to SG already. so just want to enjoy myself with my friends.
and its time to unwind a little and look for a new job. cos christmas is coming, so i can relax a little. i am just getting overwhelmed with work and underpaid. wana leave. :(
help!
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