31 Aug night - said too much

i've said too much talking to andrew. :(
it was good talking to him. reminded me of the old times with toulia.
its funny when i dun hear anything about him, i start thinking good things. but the minute i hear about him, i start getting angry and upset. Daddy, i cannot comprehend.
and i dun like it. i dun like getting angry and upset.
i duno how to handle this. you need to help me. you need to work it out.
i constantly remind myself that toulia has walked out of my life and it is a fact. it is a past and it is a fact. it might not be the truth, but i know i do not have the faith to go there. going there will just destroy me. it will bring me down again and since i do not have that faith, i might as well just avoid. RUN from the temptation.

I do miss him much. lots. in fact thought about him lots today. fantasized about him. perhaps cos i feel its "safe". but i know that it is wrong. God knows what i'm thinking. :(

and i really should stay away from andrew. i know he is a good guy. and would be a good friend and support. but when i cant keep my mind pure, it is best that i stay away.

i would love a mentor. but if God hasnt send any, then i guess He doesnt think i need one. i think He wants me to learn to lean on Him, to turn to Him for everything. and a mentor would take me away from Him.

i am barely making it through the day without wanting to turn to someone for comfort, for help, for advice. when the wisest of them all is just a call away. yet i refuse to call to Him.

i'm still learning. learning how to communicate so i dont have to throw a temper/tantrum to manipulate situations. its not conscious. it is unconscious. the venting of my frustrations is to get a respond, a result that hopefully is what i like. but isnt it easier to just communicate what i require?
i really need to learn that.

:(

God help me.

this "growing" journey is really so not fun.

i have to learn to be like an adult. to do the RIGHT things and refrain from doing what i feel like doing, especially cos now i know it is wrong. :(

the more i learn about God, the more exciting. however the more i learn about Him, the more i learn of the things that i have to do as well and i do not like it. not one bit. :(

sigh.. i really wish that toulia had a good day today. i'm sure he would be really happy that simon and the cg celebrated his bday with him, since his previous cg didnt bother.

i wish he would think of me. i wish he would miss me. but it is all empty wishes that would get me nowhere.

it is better now to just move on and forget about it. forget about him. forget that he ever existed. wishing that he missed me and was thinking of me is just futile weak attempts to hold on to the past.

i am getting a sickie off tomorrow. why am i still feeling so depressed and miserable?!
god, you really need to do something about this.
oh... hmm yeah.. i need to sleep.. haha

alright... i will go to bed now. and i am sure tomorrow will be much better.

perhaps then you can tell me more about what it means by to praise you for who you are?!