24 Sept 2010 - Pain

I cannot understand what I am going through. For some reason I was really irritated and annoyed with Minah last night. I felt that she totally had no sensitivity towards Andrew. He had not had dinner yet and for her to make the comment she made, I dont know how he took it. He might say it is all good, but I really dont know.
Also, I am not happy with her asking him to fetch Emily back. And having done that, did not proceed to get the proper address from her, making us go in rounds. I am just terribly annoyed.

And today, learning that Loren had blocked me, cos I cant find her. That really upset me. Cos I did her no wrong and to be treated like that, I am really upset. It is ok if she doesnt want to add me as a friend or has taken me off as a friend, but to block me?

And then seeing Toulia's change in pictures and him on his new bike. I am just really so upset. The thoughts running through my head were "What did I do wrong?" "Why do I have to go through this?"

I know that God owes it to me to show me how immature Toulia was and not marriage material, cos I badly, desperately wanted to get married and had thought the world of Toulia. He showed me how much Toulia was unable to accept me just as how annoyed I am getting with Minah.

And I pray that God will help me and give me the grace to deal with the things that keep coming up about Minah. I think mostly I am still holding a grudge, a bitterness against her and blaming her for playing a part in my breakup with Toulia.
- the lack of personal space to be with Toulia,
- the financial stress, which adds to all my other stresses,
- the emotional stress regarding her pregnancy.
in addition to all the tiny little things that I sometimes already get annoyed with her about, such as finishing my food and not replacing it.
I really think we should stop sharing groceries. She buys her own stuff and when I cook and offer it, that's fine, but otherwise better to separate it. some things we can share, but others, i dont know.

I dont want to deal with any of this. It is not mine to deal with. It is God's to deal with.

God gives me enough grace to deal with what I have to deal with daily. And I am facing that with Minah. I have to talk to her about it. And I hope the Holy Spirit helps me to communicate what I really want to communicate with her.

sigh...

it is not her fault. It has nothing to do with her. It is MY perception. And I need to deal with it. But I am not doing it very well as yet. But it is affecting my relationship with her.

:(

I really dont know what to do. I dont feel that I should tell her, but I feel that I have to now, cos I think it is causing some friction and issues.

:(