5 sept evening - is God mocking me?

I wonder if Daddy God is mocking me. Or He is responding to my request to face more challenges.
Seeing Toulia last night was ok. But seeing him again today really is too much.
What is God wanting to tell me?
Does it even have anything to do with me?
I have already tried to be very obedient. But toulia is ignoring me. If so, then why do I want to put myself in harm's way and get rejected?
*cries*

or is God reminding me that He still has great plans for me and toulia and He is asking me to be patient and wait?

I dont want to think about this. I dont want to think about anything. It still hurts. Its painful
:(

Daddy... hold me! *cries*
I miss him so much. I cant help but remember the times that we spent together. I cant help but remember the things he said.
It hurts so much. Am i still in denial?
Everything just seems so impossible. If a man's heart is hardened, can it be soften once again?
I so want my distraction. If my distraction contacted me, i wouldnt feel so upset. But then i cannot rely on him. I would be making the same mistake again. I have to stop.
I have to stay single. Until everything is sorted out. I thought things were sorted out, that's why Daddy God sent Toulia.
*cries*

If i knew that they werent, I wouldnt have gone into it. I really dont want things to turn out the way it did.

*cries*

Daddy....
Will i ever be ready?
I'm trying hard to keep my faith in You. I'm trying to trust You. Its so hard. Especially when I am tired.

Why did You send him my way today?
*cries*

You know that I am not in good space. WHy Daddy?

*cries*