I am definitely lying to myself.
I am attracted to Andrew. And I dont know if i really miss Toulia or I'm using him as a shield to protect me from future hurt and disappointments. Perhaps that is why I cant let go.
The dude has moved on. He has chosen NOT to love. Not just love me. But he has chosen not to love. None of his actions are acted out of love.
I know there are times i hate him. But generally i dont hate him. I dont know if i really want anything to do with him now anymore. my emotions are all still a mess.
And then there is Andrew. I cannot identify what it is that I am attracted to about him.
having spent the whole day with him and he waited for me for several appointments, and got to play dota too, i woke up feeling really good. looked forward to meeting him for lunch too.
but as soon as he cancelled, i know my emotions took a dip.
i dont want to feel that way again. i have to keep my distance..
i dont want to be disappointed again..
Daddy, i'm scared to be hurt. :(
i dont even dare think about another relationship. toulia was supposed to be the last. so if it didnt work out, then i dun wana pray for it anymore. its too painful. i keep making mistakes. and they seem to be the same mistakes. i dont seem to ever learn. and that's what scares me. :(
i dont want to go through the "test" over and over and over again. cos i can never fail. i get to do it over and over until i learn what i need to learn. and i am scared. :(
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