It was a great night out with Dhani. I no longer held anything against him. I was afraid he still had issues against me but he didn't. When I let go the need to b right n justified God reconciled the friendship. Praise God. He is awesome.
But I duno how it'll b with toulia. I have let the rel go. There's nothing more that I can do. He's walked away n I can't change his mind. Though I tink his focus had been me rather the devil n tat if he had wisdom, if he knew God's promise things won't turn out this way. But regardless of reason, he's walked.
I also realised last night that he has been talking to Dhani. So he should b clear tat people won't avoiding him. But then his mind had been set. He's not goin to care. He wants out n that's what's most impt to him.
N I'll let him go. Cos he is gone. Holding on to him only brings me misery. I wana b happy. I know God wants me to b happy.
I hope he is happy too. I'm sure he's enjoying life like never before. He's got the money n he can get to do what he wants without thinking bout anyone else. Surrounded by people who constantly tells him how great he is. I wish him all the best while I take my leave. He doesn't know it. He still tinks I hate him. He still tinks I'm terrible. Let him. My worth is not in what he tinks.
I know I am loved. I am valued. I am accepted. I am wanted. I am forgiven.i am righteous. Cos I am a child of God. N that's all that matters.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
27 aug morn - whole n victorious
Had my first great victory yesterday! Did not whinge bout my situation anymore. :) was happy to b honest bout my situation or rather how I felt n the great future ahead for me.
2nd victory- Minah also stirred up my desire for riding again. N tis time I tink I will get the licence nonetheless. I know Diana will object n so will alot of people. But it's time I see for myself n it's time I do something FOR myself n see it through.
3rd victory - I always keep most of the promises I made to people but not to myself. Being able to recognize this will help me love myself bit more n stop sacrifising for others. I've put people in front of me way too much. Fill myself then I can fill others. :)
I can't wait to b able to get the licence. Then I'll b able to join hardy on weekend rides. I'm not sure bout a motorcycle for now. Excited but scared cos of all the horrors I've heard. But a motorcycle definitely makes travel easier for me n at a lower price compared to a car.
Sigh the very thing tat I was afraid of for toulia I do it. Haha
The irony of it!
I am beautiful, I am valuable, I am accepted, I am loved. I am a child of God and I am wanted. In Christ I have been made whole n righteous.
2nd victory- Minah also stirred up my desire for riding again. N tis time I tink I will get the licence nonetheless. I know Diana will object n so will alot of people. But it's time I see for myself n it's time I do something FOR myself n see it through.
3rd victory - I always keep most of the promises I made to people but not to myself. Being able to recognize this will help me love myself bit more n stop sacrifising for others. I've put people in front of me way too much. Fill myself then I can fill others. :)
I can't wait to b able to get the licence. Then I'll b able to join hardy on weekend rides. I'm not sure bout a motorcycle for now. Excited but scared cos of all the horrors I've heard. But a motorcycle definitely makes travel easier for me n at a lower price compared to a car.
Sigh the very thing tat I was afraid of for toulia I do it. Haha
The irony of it!
I am beautiful, I am valuable, I am accepted, I am loved. I am a child of God and I am wanted. In Christ I have been made whole n righteous.
27 Aug evening - letting go
I am so confused. And i know that confusion is not from God. i think i am just misinterpreting what God is telling me. Regardless, i am surrendering everything to Him.
Bernard is right. This relationship or the lack of it is consuming me. Regardless of whether i am interpreting what God has shown me correctly or not, it is consuming me. if that's the case, then i am rendered useless already.
so i have to let it go. I have to surrender and give it to God. I have to let it go.
it is over. no more thinking about it whether i should pray or trust or blah blah blah.
my trust is in God. sounds cliche, cos if i did trust Him then i wont bother so much about this.
But well, i DO trust in Him.
This is a season of transformation for me.
My flesh definitely battles against my spirit. I am trying to keep level headed. I am trying to turn to God for everything. But there are times when i just feel so lonely. I am desperately clawing at air trying to grab at something yet i cant get hold of something.
its painful. and i dont know what to do about it.
it sometimes causes me to have headaches.
thank goodness this is only a season. so it is temporal. i know that soon i will be released. my flesh is just not used to it. so it is really uncomfortable. it is causing me to feel discomfort all over. its really painful. but i will overcome it!
i am an overcomer! I am IN CHRIST and He gives me the power! The power to endure the situations that I am in, and the power to overcome ALL things!
God has good plans for me! I can conquer anything!
God will refresh me and give me rest. :D
Bernard is right. This relationship or the lack of it is consuming me. Regardless of whether i am interpreting what God has shown me correctly or not, it is consuming me. if that's the case, then i am rendered useless already.
so i have to let it go. I have to surrender and give it to God. I have to let it go.
it is over. no more thinking about it whether i should pray or trust or blah blah blah.
my trust is in God. sounds cliche, cos if i did trust Him then i wont bother so much about this.
But well, i DO trust in Him.
This is a season of transformation for me.
My flesh definitely battles against my spirit. I am trying to keep level headed. I am trying to turn to God for everything. But there are times when i just feel so lonely. I am desperately clawing at air trying to grab at something yet i cant get hold of something.
its painful. and i dont know what to do about it.
it sometimes causes me to have headaches.
thank goodness this is only a season. so it is temporal. i know that soon i will be released. my flesh is just not used to it. so it is really uncomfortable. it is causing me to feel discomfort all over. its really painful. but i will overcome it!
i am an overcomer! I am IN CHRIST and He gives me the power! The power to endure the situations that I am in, and the power to overcome ALL things!
God has good plans for me! I can conquer anything!
God will refresh me and give me rest. :D
26 aug evening after college- crushed
After toulia is out of my life, tho there is the pain I had to deal with, my life has actually become less volatile.
Jus found out tat toulia left staff bout 2 weeks ago. My heart sank.
All sorts of tots came into my mind.
- felt tat I got him in trouble. Tat if I did not react the way I did it wouldn't have gone to tat level n he won't have been found out.
- felt frightened cos wats happening now is exactly wat I had wished for in my conversation with Bernard.
- feel hopeless. Now tat he wasn't working in church there was an even smaller chance of running into each other. How would we even have a reconciliation of friendship least to say a relationship
- feel foolish for declaring tat he is my husband.
- feel fear. Now tat he is back in the racing scene there r even more temptations. Where would I stand then? It would be even easier for him to forget me. He really has moved on.
- feel helpless cos there's nothing tat I can do to change the situation. Seems like God is really closing the doors. He wants me to forget bout toulia n not tink bout it again.
- feel like I dun have a choice. The door is shut tight in my face.
- can't understand. Does tat mean tat everything tat I tot i had heard that I tot was Fr God might not have been? I'm confused.
It hurts. I feel so frantic. Was desperately trying to grap at something. At someone. Someone who might b able to so something n change something.
But if God is with me n even He has not done anything then who in the world do I tink can do something?
My God the Almighty has turned away fr the situation! Who else do I tink can do anything bout it? Feels like a big huge NO n tat I have not been obedient to listen to Him.
I feel so foolish. Feel so silly! Still feel frantic hoping tat I can do something to change things! But I can't.
Even the email I sent him did not get to him. I can see God is determined to end everything. To cut the ties.
Daddy I feel so lost. So confused. It's so painful.
You ask me to trust You yet everything seem hopeless! You gave me the peace n confidence to stand up to the devil yet now I feel foolish cos it seems like Youve closed the door n I was the one who didn't hear fr You. To tink tat o had the audacity to ask You to get him to contact me within the week. This is hopeless. It's the end. It's gone!
*cries*
There r so many changes n the decisions tat he has made causes me to feel tat I do not know him anymore.
God has removed the people in my life who had been causing me grief. But y do I still feel so empty? So hollow? Not only do I not rejoice but I feel emptiness. It hurts in fact. I want to lash out. I wana tear out my heart so I won't feel tat horrible empty n painful feeling anymore. But I can't!
Deliver me oh God!
Like Cathy, I desperately wanted to be married too. I desperately wanted a husband. Y God y?
How God how?
Jus found out tat toulia left staff bout 2 weeks ago. My heart sank.
All sorts of tots came into my mind.
- felt tat I got him in trouble. Tat if I did not react the way I did it wouldn't have gone to tat level n he won't have been found out.
- felt frightened cos wats happening now is exactly wat I had wished for in my conversation with Bernard.
- feel hopeless. Now tat he wasn't working in church there was an even smaller chance of running into each other. How would we even have a reconciliation of friendship least to say a relationship
- feel foolish for declaring tat he is my husband.
- feel fear. Now tat he is back in the racing scene there r even more temptations. Where would I stand then? It would be even easier for him to forget me. He really has moved on.
- feel helpless cos there's nothing tat I can do to change the situation. Seems like God is really closing the doors. He wants me to forget bout toulia n not tink bout it again.
- feel like I dun have a choice. The door is shut tight in my face.
- can't understand. Does tat mean tat everything tat I tot i had heard that I tot was Fr God might not have been? I'm confused.
It hurts. I feel so frantic. Was desperately trying to grap at something. At someone. Someone who might b able to so something n change something.
But if God is with me n even He has not done anything then who in the world do I tink can do something?
My God the Almighty has turned away fr the situation! Who else do I tink can do anything bout it? Feels like a big huge NO n tat I have not been obedient to listen to Him.
I feel so foolish. Feel so silly! Still feel frantic hoping tat I can do something to change things! But I can't.
Even the email I sent him did not get to him. I can see God is determined to end everything. To cut the ties.
Daddy I feel so lost. So confused. It's so painful.
You ask me to trust You yet everything seem hopeless! You gave me the peace n confidence to stand up to the devil yet now I feel foolish cos it seems like Youve closed the door n I was the one who didn't hear fr You. To tink tat o had the audacity to ask You to get him to contact me within the week. This is hopeless. It's the end. It's gone!
*cries*
There r so many changes n the decisions tat he has made causes me to feel tat I do not know him anymore.
God has removed the people in my life who had been causing me grief. But y do I still feel so empty? So hollow? Not only do I not rejoice but I feel emptiness. It hurts in fact. I want to lash out. I wana tear out my heart so I won't feel tat horrible empty n painful feeling anymore. But I can't!
Deliver me oh God!
Like Cathy, I desperately wanted to be married too. I desperately wanted a husband. Y God y?
How God how?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
25 Aug - The fight
i take up my position as toulia's wife and fight this battle. I will not lose my husband to the devil.
I know the world says we are not married and therefore he is not my husband. I know the devil whispers that in my ear everyday, causing me fear to take up the sword and fight.
But I know that God had annointed the relationship and I know he is my husband. I take up the sword of God's words to fight this battle. I will not let deception near me anymore.
From now till 31 Dec, i will pray. Regardless of how i feel, what i see, i will pray for his return and the restoration of our relationship.
If God could bring him back before, if God could create all the miracles that He did for me before, why would He stop now?
No God has not stopped. Doesnt mean that I do not see it means God is not at work.
I trust my God. He is Faithful! He has done great things and He has great plans for me.
If i was willing to go through with the debt that toulia carried, then I can go through with this for the family. Cos i know the devil will come again when we have children and cast deception over our eyes. But i will know better then and be able to recognise his schemes and I will be able to take my stand against him and fight from victorious ground.
I know that toulia's eyes will be opened and he will see God's truth and the promises that God made to the both of us. This relationship is not a mistake. It never was and never will be.
We make mistakes. I made mistakes. And i am willing to accept that toulia made mistakes too. I have forgiven him and I will speak no more of this breakdown. We shall be reconciled. God will make the way. He has and always will.
THAT is God's words. God lives up to His promises. Not man. Man can always change their minds. It doesnt matter what toulia said. God will change his mind.
God is the creator. He is bigger than everything on this earth. He is bigger than even my troubles and pain.
Yes I am taking my stand. I am taking up my position. I fight from victorious ground. The deception shall end.
amen!
I know the world says we are not married and therefore he is not my husband. I know the devil whispers that in my ear everyday, causing me fear to take up the sword and fight.
But I know that God had annointed the relationship and I know he is my husband. I take up the sword of God's words to fight this battle. I will not let deception near me anymore.
From now till 31 Dec, i will pray. Regardless of how i feel, what i see, i will pray for his return and the restoration of our relationship.
If God could bring him back before, if God could create all the miracles that He did for me before, why would He stop now?
No God has not stopped. Doesnt mean that I do not see it means God is not at work.
I trust my God. He is Faithful! He has done great things and He has great plans for me.
If i was willing to go through with the debt that toulia carried, then I can go through with this for the family. Cos i know the devil will come again when we have children and cast deception over our eyes. But i will know better then and be able to recognise his schemes and I will be able to take my stand against him and fight from victorious ground.
I know that toulia's eyes will be opened and he will see God's truth and the promises that God made to the both of us. This relationship is not a mistake. It never was and never will be.
We make mistakes. I made mistakes. And i am willing to accept that toulia made mistakes too. I have forgiven him and I will speak no more of this breakdown. We shall be reconciled. God will make the way. He has and always will.
THAT is God's words. God lives up to His promises. Not man. Man can always change their minds. It doesnt matter what toulia said. God will change his mind.
God is the creator. He is bigger than everything on this earth. He is bigger than even my troubles and pain.
Yes I am taking my stand. I am taking up my position. I fight from victorious ground. The deception shall end.
amen!
24 aug - God's Faithfulness in my life
Daddy You have done many things in my life m have been faithful.
Now I come to u in faith forthright following matter. I know You r not a God of detail but I can come to You in detail.
Daddy I really wana b married before I turn 36. I really hope it is Your timin for me too.
I know You r preparing me for the man whom You have already prepared for me. And I know that You know what are the characteristics that I require.
1. He has to b good looking in my eyes. Not the most handsome on earth but good to my eyes.
2. He has to be smart and intelligent. Has a mind of his own.
3. Yet gentle enough to be patience with me when I fall to point me back to You to encourage me.
4. He is also humble and kind so that he is able to accept me for who I am.
5. He is secure in You. He knows who he is in You and nothing can move him. He has the confidence to speak his mind n not b afraid of my reactions.
6. He must also share in my values of honesty n integrity, putting the family first n turns to You when there r issues.
7. He must also b responsible n will not run away when there is trouble but have the courage n perseverance to stay an work things out.
Daddy You brought me here.
You promised me a future with a good man of God and precious children to teach n grow.
You provided for the house in sg.
You provided for my job here in syd.
You provided for the house n everything that comes with it.
You never start a project and not finish it.
I still believe that You are still working onthe project You started. And that You will finish it.
I don't know why my circumstances are so far from Your promises but I know that You are faithful and in Your time, You will bring the promise to past.
I know You are faithful. I do not think that you'll disappoint me. Give me a measure of faith to believe in Yor promises Daddy!
You love me too much.
You wan the best for me.
I do believe toulia is the best for me n there is still much preparation that is required in both our lives.
Although circumstances show it is almost impossible cos it's a burnt bridge, it's a dead end. But I believe in You. I trust You.
I trust that You are preparing toulia to be the man that I need him to be.
You are preparing him to be the father that our children need him to be.
I will wait for Your right timing.
I know the devil will come along and try to disappoint me more. Whether it is by showing me that toulia doesn't care or that he is dating someone else.
But my trust n faith is in You.
If You can turn around marriages I know You can turn around a simple relaionship like mine.
If only You Will.
And I trust your decision.
You know who is best for me.
I know You did not bring toulia into my life without reason. I hope that one day you'll show me the reason.
Love
Your daughter, Carol
Now I come to u in faith forthright following matter. I know You r not a God of detail but I can come to You in detail.
Daddy I really wana b married before I turn 36. I really hope it is Your timin for me too.
I know You r preparing me for the man whom You have already prepared for me. And I know that You know what are the characteristics that I require.
1. He has to b good looking in my eyes. Not the most handsome on earth but good to my eyes.
2. He has to be smart and intelligent. Has a mind of his own.
3. Yet gentle enough to be patience with me when I fall to point me back to You to encourage me.
4. He is also humble and kind so that he is able to accept me for who I am.
5. He is secure in You. He knows who he is in You and nothing can move him. He has the confidence to speak his mind n not b afraid of my reactions.
6. He must also share in my values of honesty n integrity, putting the family first n turns to You when there r issues.
7. He must also b responsible n will not run away when there is trouble but have the courage n perseverance to stay an work things out.
Daddy You brought me here.
You promised me a future with a good man of God and precious children to teach n grow.
You provided for the house in sg.
You provided for my job here in syd.
You provided for the house n everything that comes with it.
You never start a project and not finish it.
I still believe that You are still working onthe project You started. And that You will finish it.
I don't know why my circumstances are so far from Your promises but I know that You are faithful and in Your time, You will bring the promise to past.
I know You are faithful. I do not think that you'll disappoint me. Give me a measure of faith to believe in Yor promises Daddy!
You love me too much.
You wan the best for me.
I do believe toulia is the best for me n there is still much preparation that is required in both our lives.
Although circumstances show it is almost impossible cos it's a burnt bridge, it's a dead end. But I believe in You. I trust You.
I trust that You are preparing toulia to be the man that I need him to be.
You are preparing him to be the father that our children need him to be.
I will wait for Your right timing.
I know the devil will come along and try to disappoint me more. Whether it is by showing me that toulia doesn't care or that he is dating someone else.
But my trust n faith is in You.
If You can turn around marriages I know You can turn around a simple relaionship like mine.
If only You Will.
And I trust your decision.
You know who is best for me.
I know You did not bring toulia into my life without reason. I hope that one day you'll show me the reason.
Love
Your daughter, Carol
24 aug noon
Day ended good yesterday. Good conversation with Liz. Seems like I can soon overcome the triggers for my temper n handle it better.
Tot this morn was that I dun wana change my temper but rather I wana change how I respond when I am angry. There will always b things tat will cause me to b annoyed but how do I deal with it?
N I walked out of the house today feeling generally good till I heard Jim brickmans song. Was so proud of myself till then. Tot tat I was finally able to count 2 to feeling good days.
It was a mistake listening to tat song. Made me miss toulia so much n wished so hard tat he knew.
All the past ran thru my mind- how all my other ex responded. N most of them came back.
But toulia hasn't. N I duno if he ever will.
I know it is in God's plans for me to have a family. But I duno when n with whom. N tho I really would like tat person to b toulia I can't tell Fr current circumstances.
It hurts that he did not reply. But then again I asked God not to have him reply. Cos I didn't wana go thru another dip if he replied negatively. But I can't help wondering if he read the email or he jus deleted it.
If he read it, did it soften his heart? Or did he think it's nonsense tat I sent him again.
Oh how I wish I took away the starting title. Perhaps then he would have read. Who knows. Only God knows.
I really wish that God is able to soften toulia's heart toward me. N that he would come back. That he would be a man n face up to the situation n not run away. Even after all his excuses I still duno wat is the real reason. N I guess I'll never know.
Is he still missing me? Does he ever think bout the times we had? Were there happy times tat he remembers? Or has he forgotten me jus like the passing wind.
Daddy!
:(
Take this cup of sorrow away Fr me if u will.
Tot this morn was that I dun wana change my temper but rather I wana change how I respond when I am angry. There will always b things tat will cause me to b annoyed but how do I deal with it?
N I walked out of the house today feeling generally good till I heard Jim brickmans song. Was so proud of myself till then. Tot tat I was finally able to count 2 to feeling good days.
It was a mistake listening to tat song. Made me miss toulia so much n wished so hard tat he knew.
All the past ran thru my mind- how all my other ex responded. N most of them came back.
But toulia hasn't. N I duno if he ever will.
I know it is in God's plans for me to have a family. But I duno when n with whom. N tho I really would like tat person to b toulia I can't tell Fr current circumstances.
It hurts that he did not reply. But then again I asked God not to have him reply. Cos I didn't wana go thru another dip if he replied negatively. But I can't help wondering if he read the email or he jus deleted it.
If he read it, did it soften his heart? Or did he think it's nonsense tat I sent him again.
Oh how I wish I took away the starting title. Perhaps then he would have read. Who knows. Only God knows.
I really wish that God is able to soften toulia's heart toward me. N that he would come back. That he would be a man n face up to the situation n not run away. Even after all his excuses I still duno wat is the real reason. N I guess I'll never know.
Is he still missing me? Does he ever think bout the times we had? Were there happy times tat he remembers? Or has he forgotten me jus like the passing wind.
Daddy!
:(
Take this cup of sorrow away Fr me if u will.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Marriage
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.
By Stephanie Halmilton
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.
By Stephanie Halmilton
23 Aug noon - Happy single
I arrived in Sydney single and happy. Loving life! Loving the freedom that I had. Well, i was bit tied down with financial woes (personal & family) but that was it. i didnt have to worry or think about anything else.
How did a relationship bring me to my knees?!
I refuse to be defeated. If i was happy on my own without anyone, i will happy happy once again without anyone. No rejection can and will get me down. My trust is in God and God only. I will not let the devil get to me any further.
read a note about marriage - what it was. lovely. ached to read it.
in my impulse, i sent it to toulia. but i dont think that it'll change anything. i doubt he will reply anyways.
but it doesnt matter anymore...
How did a relationship bring me to my knees?!
I refuse to be defeated. If i was happy on my own without anyone, i will happy happy once again without anyone. No rejection can and will get me down. My trust is in God and God only. I will not let the devil get to me any further.
read a note about marriage - what it was. lovely. ached to read it.
in my impulse, i sent it to toulia. but i dont think that it'll change anything. i doubt he will reply anyways.
but it doesnt matter anymore...
23 aug morn
I feel so disobedient. I feel so faithless. I feel like a disappointment.
God had asked me to trust Him n I feel privileged to hear Him yet I give little weight to His words.
I see my situation bigger than God. N He even sent me a MSG to remind me tat nothing is impossible for Him. Yet I still feel so low. I still keep my eye on my situation. I feel useless.
I need to get out of this. It's a choice. I have the Holy Spirit in me. That means I have the fruits of the Holy Spirit too. So it means I am blessed with Faith. Strength, courage, self discipline, gentleness.
I AM a gentle soul. Cos the bible says so. I have been gentle too.
I AM protected by my Father so I dun need to b defensive. He protects. In ways I duno. I might not see it but He is protecting me nonetheless.
I must rem that!
Amen!
God had asked me to trust Him n I feel privileged to hear Him yet I give little weight to His words.
I see my situation bigger than God. N He even sent me a MSG to remind me tat nothing is impossible for Him. Yet I still feel so low. I still keep my eye on my situation. I feel useless.
I need to get out of this. It's a choice. I have the Holy Spirit in me. That means I have the fruits of the Holy Spirit too. So it means I am blessed with Faith. Strength, courage, self discipline, gentleness.
I AM a gentle soul. Cos the bible says so. I have been gentle too.
I AM protected by my Father so I dun need to b defensive. He protects. In ways I duno. I might not see it but He is protecting me nonetheless.
I must rem that!
Amen!
22 aug morn
Ended the night well. Had a good cry with John n had felt good. But woke up this morn feeling shitty. Had a dream last night bout some secret intellgence. N me n toulia's case were part of it.
I know the dream is not Fr God. It's not a vision. It's my subconscious. What it wants.
I so want toulia to turn back. But after what I have been repeating. I can see that I should jus move on. It's painful but it can b done n I'll do it.
I need to focus on what God has placed in my hands n give thanks to it! I need to learn to b grateful.
I know the dream is not Fr God. It's not a vision. It's my subconscious. What it wants.
I so want toulia to turn back. But after what I have been repeating. I can see that I should jus move on. It's painful but it can b done n I'll do it.
I need to focus on what God has placed in my hands n give thanks to it! I need to learn to b grateful.
21 aug morn - battle
It's a battle. Believing in God rather than my circumstances. It's also a conflict. Learning more bout how God had intended us to live n how I've been living.
I want to change. I wana live God's way yet the fight is so tough!
Met a few ladies during street teams. They r so lovely n gorgeous. N hearing wat they shared at their age I can't help but wonder how it would b for me to live the way they lived instead of how I had been living.
I duno really know how to go about the change. But I know that God will make it happen. It already started long ago. Way before today. I'm sure it started when I first said yes to Jesus when Esther prayed for me.
I give thanks for her. If not for her I will not b here today. Although my life seems to b boring but looking back now I see the wonder of God's hand on my life.
He has been transforming me bit by bit. N now is the big overhaul. It's no more a small touch up here n there. God doesn't jus want me patched up. He wants me renewed. N I want to b renewed. I am me yet alot of my behaviour is not me. N I dun want tat anymore. I can see tat I was made for more.
Walked past red star cafe n rem the farewell for nyradso. Toulia was there too. Miss him. N rem tat toulia was supposed to go melb to work. If he did I wouldn't have met him. N he came to serve in tv. If not for Thao I wouldn't b serving in tv either.
It is no coincidence. But I duno if toulia is the one until the end.
It seems impossible for a reconciliation least to say restoration of our relationship. But my trust is in God. If it is in His plans no matter how hard He'll make it happen. Toulia will rem the times tat we spent together. Our paths will cross again. Only God knows.
If toulia is not in God's plans for me then I would rather not force it. Cos I dun wana carry it on my own.
I have left it in God's hands n I know He will take care of it. I believe that He has been. All the way Fr the start. Fr the time before we even met.
But toulia is the least of my issues now. There is this flesh that need to go. Wat I desire n wat I'm doin t 2 very diff things. N I really wana b refined by God. Yet the pain Fr the heat sometimes seem impossible to bear. I know I have been called. Not jus as any other Christian. I know I have my own sheep to look after. N I cannot allow the devil to take me away again.
Holy spirit help me.
I want to change. I wana live God's way yet the fight is so tough!
Met a few ladies during street teams. They r so lovely n gorgeous. N hearing wat they shared at their age I can't help but wonder how it would b for me to live the way they lived instead of how I had been living.
I duno really know how to go about the change. But I know that God will make it happen. It already started long ago. Way before today. I'm sure it started when I first said yes to Jesus when Esther prayed for me.
I give thanks for her. If not for her I will not b here today. Although my life seems to b boring but looking back now I see the wonder of God's hand on my life.
He has been transforming me bit by bit. N now is the big overhaul. It's no more a small touch up here n there. God doesn't jus want me patched up. He wants me renewed. N I want to b renewed. I am me yet alot of my behaviour is not me. N I dun want tat anymore. I can see tat I was made for more.
Walked past red star cafe n rem the farewell for nyradso. Toulia was there too. Miss him. N rem tat toulia was supposed to go melb to work. If he did I wouldn't have met him. N he came to serve in tv. If not for Thao I wouldn't b serving in tv either.
It is no coincidence. But I duno if toulia is the one until the end.
It seems impossible for a reconciliation least to say restoration of our relationship. But my trust is in God. If it is in His plans no matter how hard He'll make it happen. Toulia will rem the times tat we spent together. Our paths will cross again. Only God knows.
If toulia is not in God's plans for me then I would rather not force it. Cos I dun wana carry it on my own.
I have left it in God's hands n I know He will take care of it. I believe that He has been. All the way Fr the start. Fr the time before we even met.
But toulia is the least of my issues now. There is this flesh that need to go. Wat I desire n wat I'm doin t 2 very diff things. N I really wana b refined by God. Yet the pain Fr the heat sometimes seem impossible to bear. I know I have been called. Not jus as any other Christian. I know I have my own sheep to look after. N I cannot allow the devil to take me away again.
Holy spirit help me.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
20 aug morning tots
Am I reading the signs Fr Daddy wrongly or am I making it up? Daddy doesn't give details. Yet wats all the signs tat I've been seeing?
Daddy said trust Him. Yet my position at current seems so desolate tat I can't see anything growing n don't see the possibility of anything growing.
I want to trust God. Cos there's no one else I can trust. He is my only hope. Yet the natural n the emotions jus all dun add up. It's so painful. I wonder how I'll get thru this. I know I will yet I still wonder. What's this pit feeling tat I'm experiencing today? Wats goin on?
Y do I wana b back with toulia so much? Cos I feel unfair n tat things should have worked out? Cos I wanted to b given a second chance? Cos I wana prove to him he is wrong n wat he had been seeing is not the real me? Or mayb I jus wan a second chance. To b loved n accepted by the one I love?
I duno Daddy. I tink I love him. I sure miss him alot. I duno if tat is love tho. I sure tink bout him alot. But again I duno if tat is love God. I'm jus so confused with everything. I duno wats right or wrong anymore. I duno wats true n wats false anymore.
Help me Daddy. I wana live whole n secure. I wana b so secure it doesn't matter whether I am single or not. I wana b so secure it doesn't matter wat others say of me. It won't affect me. I wana b so secure tat I am a magnet for people to seek You.
Heal me Daddy. Make me whole. Nothing else matters for now.
I wish tat he is tinking of me n missing me too Daddy
Daddy said trust Him. Yet my position at current seems so desolate tat I can't see anything growing n don't see the possibility of anything growing.
I want to trust God. Cos there's no one else I can trust. He is my only hope. Yet the natural n the emotions jus all dun add up. It's so painful. I wonder how I'll get thru this. I know I will yet I still wonder. What's this pit feeling tat I'm experiencing today? Wats goin on?
Y do I wana b back with toulia so much? Cos I feel unfair n tat things should have worked out? Cos I wanted to b given a second chance? Cos I wana prove to him he is wrong n wat he had been seeing is not the real me? Or mayb I jus wan a second chance. To b loved n accepted by the one I love?
I duno Daddy. I tink I love him. I sure miss him alot. I duno if tat is love tho. I sure tink bout him alot. But again I duno if tat is love God. I'm jus so confused with everything. I duno wats right or wrong anymore. I duno wats true n wats false anymore.
Help me Daddy. I wana live whole n secure. I wana b so secure it doesn't matter whether I am single or not. I wana b so secure it doesn't matter wat others say of me. It won't affect me. I wana b so secure tat I am a magnet for people to seek You.
Heal me Daddy. Make me whole. Nothing else matters for now.
I wish tat he is tinking of me n missing me too Daddy
20 aug morn - can't stop crying. Y?
I can't tell if I had taken a dip or it was jus a cleansing moment. I jus can't seem to stop crying. I miss toulia so much. Everything tat we've done together kept surfacing. I miss him so much n I jus can't understand how come he only remembers the bad. Was our relationship so bad? I didn't tink so. So y did he tink so? Wat went wrong?wat happened Daddy?
I wish toulia missed me too. I really can't tell if he would. Wat he says is never wat he tinks n feels. I miss him so much. I wish he were here to hold me n tell me tat everything's ok.
But he's not here Daddy. It hurts so much. Y? Y did this have to happen Daddy?
Y?
I wish toulia missed me too. I really can't tell if he would. Wat he says is never wat he tinks n feels. I miss him so much. I wish he were here to hold me n tell me tat everything's ok.
But he's not here Daddy. It hurts so much. Y? Y did this have to happen Daddy?
Y?
19 aug evening - unfairness. I wish someone would speak up for me n cause him to see some sense!
More reasons n excuses forthright breakdown.
It's been a struggle to keep letting go n stop worrying n tinking bout things. Still wana b with toulia if I could. I know I'm still hurt n angry. Still feel everythings unfair. I was with him when he was goin thru tough times yet he left me in my need.
On top of the stress I was under I had the revelation that he was moving house every couple of months. I duno if tat stresses him tho Fr experience it probably would have added to the toll. I still maintain that we could have worked things out. Feel so unfair tat we had to go thru so much so early in our relationship. Even if we din hve sex I dun tink the circumstances would have changed much. The only thing tat would have changed anything would probably have been the leaning into God to provide rather than myself or toulia.
I feel really unfair. Many couples date whilst things r good. But y did the perfect relationship tat I tot I had not been able to last the storms?
I'm really so sad. N I'm not upset with work too cos that's where I had the stress Fr.
:(
I wana trust God n look to Him. However it's bit difficult cos I'm still hurting so much
How god how?
It's been a struggle to keep letting go n stop worrying n tinking bout things. Still wana b with toulia if I could. I know I'm still hurt n angry. Still feel everythings unfair. I was with him when he was goin thru tough times yet he left me in my need.
On top of the stress I was under I had the revelation that he was moving house every couple of months. I duno if tat stresses him tho Fr experience it probably would have added to the toll. I still maintain that we could have worked things out. Feel so unfair tat we had to go thru so much so early in our relationship. Even if we din hve sex I dun tink the circumstances would have changed much. The only thing tat would have changed anything would probably have been the leaning into God to provide rather than myself or toulia.
I feel really unfair. Many couples date whilst things r good. But y did the perfect relationship tat I tot I had not been able to last the storms?
I'm really so sad. N I'm not upset with work too cos that's where I had the stress Fr.
:(
I wana trust God n look to Him. However it's bit difficult cos I'm still hurting so much
How god how?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
18 Aug night - conversation with Sandra
man i really preached myself happy! :)
Definitely need more of this. lol
sounds like David!
was upset, angry, disappointed. but now getting better.
sometimes still feel that way, but focus more on self la
was very angry with the pastor who conducted the meeting together, cos feel like she was taking his side. didnt seem interested in finding out what i wanted
i never tot that i would have wanted to stop work, but i actually do. had all intentions to stop work when i got married (when i was planning with toulia)
oh wells... that's all gone down the drain. anyways... there's alot for me to sort out i guess.
its not just about toulia anymore. there's heaps of stuff that i never processed.
so gota run through that
but first and foremost i think i have forgotten who i am already.
well, one step at a time.
i have no concept or idea of who i am. after all the rejection and lal the criticism that i constantly get,
all i can rem and know is that i have a very bad temper full stop.
i know nothing else about me. there's heaps i know but i cannot recognise any of them.
i cannot acknowledge them as me. i dont know me already.
unfortunately, the bad side of things is what people always see or emphasize on.
and until i am secure with who i am, its still going to continue to hurt me/kill me.
so psychologist now working with me to build my foundation -
who i am - my value.
i just feel so tired and unmotivated that i just dont want to work. dont even know what i want.
with a weak foundation, how can a builder build the building? so well, cant move or do anything until i sort this out. once it is sorted, foundation all set, things will start moving.
so as with all buildings, gota dig deep. so the pillars will be firm and sturdy.
you know how you gals were saying i should not leave sg cos i am running away from things?
i tot i was not... cos i tot it was refering to my parents since they gave me most grief... hehe
but it was running away from Singapore. there's alot about sg that i really dislike - with a vengeance.
strong resentment and bitterness and i guess i never let that go.
including my dad's women. i forgave my dad but i never forgave his women. i hated them cos i felt that they competed for my dad's attention and they destroyed a possibly happy marriage. only thing is i never tot of that until now. and all cos of this gal who is toulia's friend from sg. look like the typical mistress look, going for rich older men, materialistic, prissy, bit like mitch's neighbour, ning's mom. not that they have a bad heart. not that all girls who look/behave that way are all mistresses. but cos of the perception i had of those women, i place them all in a box. i never knew that.
there are women that i iwll not like for no reason and i cant tell why. initially tot 6 sense
cos after that always get stabbed by them in the back. but on hindsight, i guess it was like prophesy come true cos of my fears.
like this gal, cos of my perception of her, i constantly fel that she was always turning to toulia for attention but thing is she might not have but cos of my fears... i perceived it that way, and eventually toulia took her side! said that i treated her bad and he's upset that he "lost" a friend of 10 years!
but thing is i was actually trying to do everything i can to help her. she's honestly very prissy – princess.
go for camping wear sun dress and open toe heels! so its honestly rather irritating. but for me, it was pure beyond irritating. its the - get all the guys attention and "sympathy" so she gets things her way.
that's how the women i came across who were with my dad. i hated them with a vengeance. anyways... that's something that i need to unpack.
but not now, cos its important, but not as important. just like lighting and electricity in a building. everything step by step.
Sigh... sometimes wish have express train. sort everything out faster.
(i think it's good that you have someone to guide you through all these. as it is, we as your friends know you have issues but cannot help you with it.)
she's bit different from normal psychologist. during the week, i can email her and she'll reply or if it is really bad, she'll give me a call back.
(a professional, if she is able to work with you through it after all these years, why not.)
but i have seen psychologist before her and all of them kept talking about my parents.
yes i know it definitely affected me when i was growing up, but they cant take the blame for everything.
there must be something else that can be done right? i guess when she hit the key about my value...
it was really hitting the nail on the head. Straight away i felt better. Lighter. Peace.
(well, but the basis lays with them. unfortunately, even as a parent now, i think we parents have a huge responsibility on how our children turn out)
Yup. but i no longer blame my parents. but alot of the psychologist will say its their fault and that i need to forgive them,etc
sigh...
the big guy up there will sort things out.
He's El Shaddai
He's Elohim
He's Emmanuel
Helper
Comforter
Provider
Rewarder
Overcomer
Reconciliator
so well, its His job. sometimes its weird. but instead of rejecting a way i feel, i tell him how i am honestly feeling it, it goes away!!!!
(but forgiving them is one thing. but stopping it from affect your entire being/personality is another. )
hmmm
well, that's unlearning everything i've learnt
sigh... after 30odd years... not easy. but then doable.
(maybe this time, this psychologist will be able to work out with you how to unlearn all that)
Yeah... actually.. God already showed me. some of it actually. the very basic request HE had was to leave everything to Him. one of the reason that i get upset often is when i feel wronged, disregarded, disrespected, and He's said to leave it all to Him and to "suffer" in silence and let Him be the vindicator. too many sermons and books all saying the same thing at the same time. cannot be anyone else but God
especially when sometimes the topic of the sermons are totally unrelated!!!!
a friend actually just challenged me to swallow everything and leave it to God. He'll provide the wisdom what to do and He'll right all the wrongs so... trying...
( if you can do that, it means that something is working. )
lol... not all the time. but i know over time it'll get better. like exercise - the more we work the muscle, the stronger it gets right .
(i think if you can feel "wronged" and not react to the feeling, it would be a big step forward. cos i remember how you said things always start with you feeling like you are wronged (be it wrongly treated or misunderstood etc) i am reading this book, on parenting.... and there is this important part that talks about doing something even if you do not like it and soon, the feelings would follow.
e.g. if i make sure the children say thank you everytime, even when they do not like it, over time as they keep doing it, the feelings of actually being grateful/thankful when something is done for them will follow. it's the whole idea that feelings follow behaviour. how if we act in a certain way all the time, our feelings will follow suit.)
yeah... i know. joyce meyer keeps preaching it and i keep reaching scripture in the bilbe that says it too!!!
so... who else you think it came from? hehe
basically she said - if we continue to behave according to our emotions = we are infants but we need to grow up to be mature christians at some point in time. being an adult has responsibilities.
(actually the book i am reading is following jewish principles. but jewish principles comes from the old testament. yes, before Christ but still word from God. the jewish have very strict principles.)
the scripture i was reading was eph 4:26-32. that shut me up! And Galatians - fruits of the spirit.
LONG SUFFERING
even though i dont feel like it. gota do it! cos i am an adult! gota be responsible, have integrity, do the right thing. if i fail, its ok, cos God has grace. however gota keep striving, not out of my own strength, just keep on doing what i can.
long suffering = patience
i always had the impression that things happen overnight - change happens overnight.
even my transformation happens overnight too. cos always have testimony about how people suddenly no longer felt like smoking or no longer alcoholic. but all those were "special" cases.
God works that way, but that's not the norm. only after last night's cg sharing did i realise that transformation takes time. and its bit by bit - just as it was for me.
but i felt that i was not good enough. cos i didnt seem to be changing fast enough. at least not by human standards. but i guess God has His own timing. most importantly is He is constantly changing me. one day i'll get there. i never quite understood that when the older folks will encourage me. but now i do. cos if i am constantly changing, i eventually become what God created me to be, like a building, if they keep adding the layers and floors, the building eventually be finished.
(that's the right spirit.)
in the beginning, it can look like empty land for a long time. but suddenly over a few weeks, you can see lots of levels. i believe that is how it would be too . now is a difficult time but it will pass as i am strengthened and it gets easier and better
Definitely need more of this. lol
sounds like David!
was upset, angry, disappointed. but now getting better.
sometimes still feel that way, but focus more on self la
was very angry with the pastor who conducted the meeting together, cos feel like she was taking his side. didnt seem interested in finding out what i wanted
i never tot that i would have wanted to stop work, but i actually do. had all intentions to stop work when i got married (when i was planning with toulia)
oh wells... that's all gone down the drain. anyways... there's alot for me to sort out i guess.
its not just about toulia anymore. there's heaps of stuff that i never processed.
so gota run through that
but first and foremost i think i have forgotten who i am already.
well, one step at a time.
i have no concept or idea of who i am. after all the rejection and lal the criticism that i constantly get,
all i can rem and know is that i have a very bad temper full stop.
i know nothing else about me. there's heaps i know but i cannot recognise any of them.
i cannot acknowledge them as me. i dont know me already.
unfortunately, the bad side of things is what people always see or emphasize on.
and until i am secure with who i am, its still going to continue to hurt me/kill me.
so psychologist now working with me to build my foundation -
who i am - my value.
i just feel so tired and unmotivated that i just dont want to work. dont even know what i want.
with a weak foundation, how can a builder build the building? so well, cant move or do anything until i sort this out. once it is sorted, foundation all set, things will start moving.
so as with all buildings, gota dig deep. so the pillars will be firm and sturdy.
you know how you gals were saying i should not leave sg cos i am running away from things?
i tot i was not... cos i tot it was refering to my parents since they gave me most grief... hehe
but it was running away from Singapore. there's alot about sg that i really dislike - with a vengeance.
strong resentment and bitterness and i guess i never let that go.
including my dad's women. i forgave my dad but i never forgave his women. i hated them cos i felt that they competed for my dad's attention and they destroyed a possibly happy marriage. only thing is i never tot of that until now. and all cos of this gal who is toulia's friend from sg. look like the typical mistress look, going for rich older men, materialistic, prissy, bit like mitch's neighbour, ning's mom. not that they have a bad heart. not that all girls who look/behave that way are all mistresses. but cos of the perception i had of those women, i place them all in a box. i never knew that.
there are women that i iwll not like for no reason and i cant tell why. initially tot 6 sense
cos after that always get stabbed by them in the back. but on hindsight, i guess it was like prophesy come true cos of my fears.
like this gal, cos of my perception of her, i constantly fel that she was always turning to toulia for attention but thing is she might not have but cos of my fears... i perceived it that way, and eventually toulia took her side! said that i treated her bad and he's upset that he "lost" a friend of 10 years!
but thing is i was actually trying to do everything i can to help her. she's honestly very prissy – princess.
go for camping wear sun dress and open toe heels! so its honestly rather irritating. but for me, it was pure beyond irritating. its the - get all the guys attention and "sympathy" so she gets things her way.
that's how the women i came across who were with my dad. i hated them with a vengeance. anyways... that's something that i need to unpack.
but not now, cos its important, but not as important. just like lighting and electricity in a building. everything step by step.
Sigh... sometimes wish have express train. sort everything out faster.
(i think it's good that you have someone to guide you through all these. as it is, we as your friends know you have issues but cannot help you with it.)
she's bit different from normal psychologist. during the week, i can email her and she'll reply or if it is really bad, she'll give me a call back.
(a professional, if she is able to work with you through it after all these years, why not.)
but i have seen psychologist before her and all of them kept talking about my parents.
yes i know it definitely affected me when i was growing up, but they cant take the blame for everything.
there must be something else that can be done right? i guess when she hit the key about my value...
it was really hitting the nail on the head. Straight away i felt better. Lighter. Peace.
(well, but the basis lays with them. unfortunately, even as a parent now, i think we parents have a huge responsibility on how our children turn out)
Yup. but i no longer blame my parents. but alot of the psychologist will say its their fault and that i need to forgive them,etc
sigh...
the big guy up there will sort things out.
He's El Shaddai
He's Elohim
He's Emmanuel
Helper
Comforter
Provider
Rewarder
Overcomer
Reconciliator
so well, its His job. sometimes its weird. but instead of rejecting a way i feel, i tell him how i am honestly feeling it, it goes away!!!!
(but forgiving them is one thing. but stopping it from affect your entire being/personality is another. )
hmmm
well, that's unlearning everything i've learnt
sigh... after 30odd years... not easy. but then doable.
(maybe this time, this psychologist will be able to work out with you how to unlearn all that)
Yeah... actually.. God already showed me. some of it actually. the very basic request HE had was to leave everything to Him. one of the reason that i get upset often is when i feel wronged, disregarded, disrespected, and He's said to leave it all to Him and to "suffer" in silence and let Him be the vindicator. too many sermons and books all saying the same thing at the same time. cannot be anyone else but God
especially when sometimes the topic of the sermons are totally unrelated!!!!
a friend actually just challenged me to swallow everything and leave it to God. He'll provide the wisdom what to do and He'll right all the wrongs so... trying...
( if you can do that, it means that something is working. )
lol... not all the time. but i know over time it'll get better. like exercise - the more we work the muscle, the stronger it gets right .
(i think if you can feel "wronged" and not react to the feeling, it would be a big step forward. cos i remember how you said things always start with you feeling like you are wronged (be it wrongly treated or misunderstood etc) i am reading this book, on parenting.... and there is this important part that talks about doing something even if you do not like it and soon, the feelings would follow.
e.g. if i make sure the children say thank you everytime, even when they do not like it, over time as they keep doing it, the feelings of actually being grateful/thankful when something is done for them will follow. it's the whole idea that feelings follow behaviour. how if we act in a certain way all the time, our feelings will follow suit.)
yeah... i know. joyce meyer keeps preaching it and i keep reaching scripture in the bilbe that says it too!!!
so... who else you think it came from? hehe
basically she said - if we continue to behave according to our emotions = we are infants but we need to grow up to be mature christians at some point in time. being an adult has responsibilities.
(actually the book i am reading is following jewish principles. but jewish principles comes from the old testament. yes, before Christ but still word from God. the jewish have very strict principles.)
the scripture i was reading was eph 4:26-32. that shut me up! And Galatians - fruits of the spirit.
LONG SUFFERING
even though i dont feel like it. gota do it! cos i am an adult! gota be responsible, have integrity, do the right thing. if i fail, its ok, cos God has grace. however gota keep striving, not out of my own strength, just keep on doing what i can.
long suffering = patience
i always had the impression that things happen overnight - change happens overnight.
even my transformation happens overnight too. cos always have testimony about how people suddenly no longer felt like smoking or no longer alcoholic. but all those were "special" cases.
God works that way, but that's not the norm. only after last night's cg sharing did i realise that transformation takes time. and its bit by bit - just as it was for me.
but i felt that i was not good enough. cos i didnt seem to be changing fast enough. at least not by human standards. but i guess God has His own timing. most importantly is He is constantly changing me. one day i'll get there. i never quite understood that when the older folks will encourage me. but now i do. cos if i am constantly changing, i eventually become what God created me to be, like a building, if they keep adding the layers and floors, the building eventually be finished.
(that's the right spirit.)
in the beginning, it can look like empty land for a long time. but suddenly over a few weeks, you can see lots of levels. i believe that is how it would be too . now is a difficult time but it will pass as i am strengthened and it gets easier and better
18 Aug evening - lull
Started the day cranky and angry. Went back to sleep and woke up feeling better. Thank God!
Had a really busy day. Felt fruitful for awhile, with all the “additional” work to do. But got overwhelmed by the time I got back to the office. Regardless, got most of what I needed done. So that’s good.
Had dinner with sophie’s husband and his friends. Cant say much bout one of them. Don’t mean to be rude, but he is really not my type. Physically he is already a turn off. The other guy looked better, however I am just far from being ready. I dun even wana have friends. I am not interested. Don’t mean to be a snob, but ended up that way. What to do. This is not my forte.
Although I said I wont talk bout Toulia, but couldn’t help bring him up in conversation. Have to stop. Its ok. Every moment is a new moment. One day, I will no longer talk about him at all. Not even think about him.
I swore to God (although I know I’m not supposed to) that I will no longer date any guy who is younger than myself. Although that does not leave me with much choice, but at least that keeps me safe. I want a family. I yearn to be a mom and to have a family of my own. But if that is not for me then forget it. There’s nothing much I can do if God doesn’t want to open the doors. Although I do believe that God has great plans for me. I don’t know what it is though. But He did promise that if I were to keep my eyes on His kingdom of righteousness, He will provide for everything else. So that’s my focus – Jesus and the work that Jesus did on the cross!
I know there’s a lot of things I need to change. But I think the main core thing I need to sort out is my value. People say I need to know my value in God. That’s a concept that’s just too far fetched for me at the moment. So I’ll just focus on knowing my value. After all these years of criticism and constant reminder about my faults (or rather just that one seemingly big fault) I cant help but to think that that is all that I am. I have forgotten who I am already. I no longer know who I am.
Who am i? who can help me answer that question?
Daddy God, You made me. Can You tell me who I am? I seem to be a horrible people in everyone’s eyes. Mean, rude, bad tempered, impatient, loud, judgmental, you name it. But a part of me knows that that is not true. Then what is the truth? Who am i?
It is written that I am beautifully and wonderfully made/crafted. But what does that mean? Does it refer to my appearance? Or does it refer to my heart? And if it refers to my heart, then how come my behavior does not match up?
Oh wells… I think God has purified my spirit, cos it is the spirit from Jesus – the Holy Spirit. But my soul has a lot of work to do to catch up. So it is going through a cleansing process now. I don’t like it, but I know that when it I finished, I will be a very different person.
I will be confident. Not just seem confident, but I will be confident. I will know who I am and not easily get offended and ticked off cos someone tried to put me down or disregarded me. It no longer matters, cos my focus is God. My focus is Jesus. I cant wait for that day. I don’t know when it will happen. So I constantly practice it now. Doesn’t matter if I fall. We all do fall. But what matters is that I keep getting up. And keep on continuing the journey. I am tired. I don’t wana talk. But I have not yet had my quiet time with God. I miss Him today. I didn’t get to talk much to Him today. Somehow I just cant get enough of Him.
Had a really busy day. Felt fruitful for awhile, with all the “additional” work to do. But got overwhelmed by the time I got back to the office. Regardless, got most of what I needed done. So that’s good.
Had dinner with sophie’s husband and his friends. Cant say much bout one of them. Don’t mean to be rude, but he is really not my type. Physically he is already a turn off. The other guy looked better, however I am just far from being ready. I dun even wana have friends. I am not interested. Don’t mean to be a snob, but ended up that way. What to do. This is not my forte.
Although I said I wont talk bout Toulia, but couldn’t help bring him up in conversation. Have to stop. Its ok. Every moment is a new moment. One day, I will no longer talk about him at all. Not even think about him.
I swore to God (although I know I’m not supposed to) that I will no longer date any guy who is younger than myself. Although that does not leave me with much choice, but at least that keeps me safe. I want a family. I yearn to be a mom and to have a family of my own. But if that is not for me then forget it. There’s nothing much I can do if God doesn’t want to open the doors. Although I do believe that God has great plans for me. I don’t know what it is though. But He did promise that if I were to keep my eyes on His kingdom of righteousness, He will provide for everything else. So that’s my focus – Jesus and the work that Jesus did on the cross!
I know there’s a lot of things I need to change. But I think the main core thing I need to sort out is my value. People say I need to know my value in God. That’s a concept that’s just too far fetched for me at the moment. So I’ll just focus on knowing my value. After all these years of criticism and constant reminder about my faults (or rather just that one seemingly big fault) I cant help but to think that that is all that I am. I have forgotten who I am already. I no longer know who I am.
Who am i? who can help me answer that question?
Daddy God, You made me. Can You tell me who I am? I seem to be a horrible people in everyone’s eyes. Mean, rude, bad tempered, impatient, loud, judgmental, you name it. But a part of me knows that that is not true. Then what is the truth? Who am i?
It is written that I am beautifully and wonderfully made/crafted. But what does that mean? Does it refer to my appearance? Or does it refer to my heart? And if it refers to my heart, then how come my behavior does not match up?
Oh wells… I think God has purified my spirit, cos it is the spirit from Jesus – the Holy Spirit. But my soul has a lot of work to do to catch up. So it is going through a cleansing process now. I don’t like it, but I know that when it I finished, I will be a very different person.
I will be confident. Not just seem confident, but I will be confident. I will know who I am and not easily get offended and ticked off cos someone tried to put me down or disregarded me. It no longer matters, cos my focus is God. My focus is Jesus. I cant wait for that day. I don’t know when it will happen. So I constantly practice it now. Doesn’t matter if I fall. We all do fall. But what matters is that I keep getting up. And keep on continuing the journey. I am tired. I don’t wana talk. But I have not yet had my quiet time with God. I miss Him today. I didn’t get to talk much to Him today. Somehow I just cant get enough of Him.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
17 aug 2010 evening - grouchy
It's after connect group. I started feeling the low close to end of work day. I duno wat caused it. It's upsetting. By now it's end of night. I told Bernard the same things I told Minah last night but for some reason I seem to have lost my peace.
I'm upset n feel the pits in my tummy again. I dislike this feeling. :(
I wana cry yet I cannot understand y.
Help me Daddy God!
I am ur precious right? U love me right? Then take me away from all the pain n hurt. Jesus died for me on the cross if I still have such hurts n pains then wouldn't He have died I vain? Cos the promise is that when Jesus died He took away all my pains n hurts. He healed me n made me whole. So why does it seem different to my situation now? That's not right! That's not true! That's not God's promise! I refuse to accept it. God gave me peace n joy n how I'm feeling is jus far Fr the promise!
I speak so negatively! My life is special. Yet I made it out b so boring. God didn't say it was boring! It was beautiful n precious to Him. Every step of my journey.
I refuse to accept this as a reality. God gave me peace! N I have the fruits of the Holy Spirit! I have them! I dun have to work for it. I have it! All 9 of them!
Love joy peace long suffering (patience) gentleness goodness (kindness) faith meekness (humility) temperance (self control)
I refuse to b bothered by tots of toulia n y the relationship failed.
I'm upset n feel the pits in my tummy again. I dislike this feeling. :(
I wana cry yet I cannot understand y.
Help me Daddy God!
I am ur precious right? U love me right? Then take me away from all the pain n hurt. Jesus died for me on the cross if I still have such hurts n pains then wouldn't He have died I vain? Cos the promise is that when Jesus died He took away all my pains n hurts. He healed me n made me whole. So why does it seem different to my situation now? That's not right! That's not true! That's not God's promise! I refuse to accept it. God gave me peace n joy n how I'm feeling is jus far Fr the promise!
I speak so negatively! My life is special. Yet I made it out b so boring. God didn't say it was boring! It was beautiful n precious to Him. Every step of my journey.
I refuse to accept this as a reality. God gave me peace! N I have the fruits of the Holy Spirit! I have them! I dun have to work for it. I have it! All 9 of them!
Love joy peace long suffering (patience) gentleness goodness (kindness) faith meekness (humility) temperance (self control)
I refuse to b bothered by tots of toulia n y the relationship failed.
17 aug 2010 morn- light n happy, peaceful n joyful
Woke up with a crazy dream. Dreamt tat the one who walked away Fr me was my cousin. Initially was upset bout it but I realised it was my cousin I felt sick cos I was supposed to have slept wth him. *vomit*
n my cousin is NOT good looking. I love him as my cousin but that's it. It makes me sick to dream bout him as my prince charming!
Sigh anyways it's jus a dull odd feeling tat I've been waking up to every morn. I dun like it but I guess I'll jus have to get thru it. N with time it'll pass faster. So at least tats something to look forward to. :)
N thru the day it gets better somehow n I can sleep well at night. :)
Read the 2nd half of Gal 3. N was surprised to find that what the preachers said bout law n faith is all in there! They didn't read bout it somewhere n had a revelation!
Also realised tat I DO love God! I couldn't understand tat concept but realised tat my behaviour, the way I live shows tat I love Him.
N I struggled to "grow up" cos my value jar was empty.
It made such a big difference to have been heard by Liz. Although I wish tat someone would b able to tell toulia, to show toulia wat I had been goin thru- how stressed I was n how I was jus coming out of my winter season. Tat we both were so close to getting out of our winter seasons. It would b so good.
I felt so upset n disappointed tat despite wat I had been telling toulia bout my situation he's forgotten tat I had been "suffering" since jul last yr. N my value gauge was empty n all the tantrums I was throwing was jus a faint attempt to get him to value me. But it didn't work. It was something he can't do.
But Minah also pointed out tat she could recognize it cos she went away n came back Fr a Hol. She could see tat when she came back I was still stressed but things were much better only in April after we moved.
I wish that toulia would see tat. But I guess it's jus a wish on my part. I guess God will send me someone else. It's another risk but with a support group I have now it would b a better journey.
N with God on my side it definitely would b better. Realizing n learning to turn to God n putting up with the issues of life n being still, allowing Him to sort it out is definitely a better solution than turning to my partner for it.
Somehow i feel more peace now than yesterday. :) it gets better day by day.
Although I felt overwhelmed yesterday cos I felt there's so much I need to change n do. But Liz having picked out the one main thing I need to deal with first somehow gave me peace n freedom. I feel lighter.
I dun feel tat I need to change n b obedient cos I already AM obedient. I can only do all that I can n I have been!
N watever else tat I can't, Jesus can. :)
Felt good knowing tat.
I know there's still alot for me to unpack so tat I can live the life that Jesus called me to live. So tat being responsible isn't such a huge struggle. :)
But tat will take time n when my value is built it will all come easy.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see hope. I dun feel so hopeless. I'm more open to correction n having to b responsible. :)
n my cousin is NOT good looking. I love him as my cousin but that's it. It makes me sick to dream bout him as my prince charming!
Sigh anyways it's jus a dull odd feeling tat I've been waking up to every morn. I dun like it but I guess I'll jus have to get thru it. N with time it'll pass faster. So at least tats something to look forward to. :)
N thru the day it gets better somehow n I can sleep well at night. :)
Read the 2nd half of Gal 3. N was surprised to find that what the preachers said bout law n faith is all in there! They didn't read bout it somewhere n had a revelation!
Also realised tat I DO love God! I couldn't understand tat concept but realised tat my behaviour, the way I live shows tat I love Him.
N I struggled to "grow up" cos my value jar was empty.
It made such a big difference to have been heard by Liz. Although I wish tat someone would b able to tell toulia, to show toulia wat I had been goin thru- how stressed I was n how I was jus coming out of my winter season. Tat we both were so close to getting out of our winter seasons. It would b so good.
I felt so upset n disappointed tat despite wat I had been telling toulia bout my situation he's forgotten tat I had been "suffering" since jul last yr. N my value gauge was empty n all the tantrums I was throwing was jus a faint attempt to get him to value me. But it didn't work. It was something he can't do.
But Minah also pointed out tat she could recognize it cos she went away n came back Fr a Hol. She could see tat when she came back I was still stressed but things were much better only in April after we moved.
I wish that toulia would see tat. But I guess it's jus a wish on my part. I guess God will send me someone else. It's another risk but with a support group I have now it would b a better journey.
N with God on my side it definitely would b better. Realizing n learning to turn to God n putting up with the issues of life n being still, allowing Him to sort it out is definitely a better solution than turning to my partner for it.
Somehow i feel more peace now than yesterday. :) it gets better day by day.
Although I felt overwhelmed yesterday cos I felt there's so much I need to change n do. But Liz having picked out the one main thing I need to deal with first somehow gave me peace n freedom. I feel lighter.
I dun feel tat I need to change n b obedient cos I already AM obedient. I can only do all that I can n I have been!
N watever else tat I can't, Jesus can. :)
Felt good knowing tat.
I know there's still alot for me to unpack so tat I can live the life that Jesus called me to live. So tat being responsible isn't such a huge struggle. :)
But tat will take time n when my value is built it will all come easy.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see hope. I dun feel so hopeless. I'm more open to correction n having to b responsible. :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
16 Aug evening
Day didn't start that good. Was not a low low yet it was not a high. I tink I'll call it a plateu low.
By the time I went to see Liz my head was all muddled up. But after the session I m much better. At least I can start to want to care for myself bit more. I want to get well. I want to rebuild my value.
As I talk bout my situation with Liz I get more insight into how I felt during the relationship.
I was not heard.
I was not loved.
I was not appreciated.
N I was confused.
Toulia was living double standards. Telling me one thing n doing yet another. Like the time he kept telling me bout his cousin n how horrible she was n I started disliking her. Then I get questioned y I disliked her so much.
N how angry he gets with his Hmong community n parents. N his driving road rage.
He was doin one thing n preaching another to me expecting me to live up to the standards he had without seeing that he was not meeting them either.
I realised that I had been suffering Fr stress n slight depression since jun/jul last yr. Cos of the Gfc n how my boss had been reacting to it.
Toulia knew I was goin thru it. I believe it was actually a low time for many not jus me.
I am v angry n sad tat he could not realise the amt of stress I was goin thru. Tat he din realise that it was a stressful season for me. N he's decided to walk jus cos of his wrong perception.
I m so confused with everything people r telling me. I dun even know who I am already. I can't see the good in me tat God created. All I see is the wrongness. How can I start seeingthe good again?
Liz said my value jar has been depleted n tat I feel so bad cos I had alot of expectations tat were lost with the breakup. It's a grieving process.
No one knows wat I've been thru except Daddy God. No matter wat I try to explain no one can ever really know.
I dun wan sympathy or pity. Nor do I seek understanding when I tell my story.
Actually I duno wat I wan.
I feel so tired trying to do the right thing for myself. It's such a struggle to take the effort to even bath or brush teeth least to say dress well n make up.
Liz says I'm a fighter. N I kinda know tat. I never give up. Tats y if I didn't tink the rel was worth fighting for I won't try so hard.
But seems like I've wasted all my time n effort.
I've been depleted. Not jus by toulia. By everything in life.
My mom n her insecurities, her wants n expectations.
Those who call themselves my friends.
The world n it's world views.
Daddy says I should never b defeated. The devil can strike me down but never destroyed. Cos Christ has already won the battle. So I m not battling for victory. I'm battling to stay in freedom. I'm battling against temptation. Not even the cares of the world. I'm battling to live the life tat God called me to live, that Jesus died so I can have!
Hard pressed but not crushed. Perplexed but not in despair.
I must fight to remember who I am. I am valuable. I am precious. I am beautiful. I am special. N I am good. God said that I am good in His eyes. I am glorious.
By the time I went to see Liz my head was all muddled up. But after the session I m much better. At least I can start to want to care for myself bit more. I want to get well. I want to rebuild my value.
As I talk bout my situation with Liz I get more insight into how I felt during the relationship.
I was not heard.
I was not loved.
I was not appreciated.
N I was confused.
Toulia was living double standards. Telling me one thing n doing yet another. Like the time he kept telling me bout his cousin n how horrible she was n I started disliking her. Then I get questioned y I disliked her so much.
N how angry he gets with his Hmong community n parents. N his driving road rage.
He was doin one thing n preaching another to me expecting me to live up to the standards he had without seeing that he was not meeting them either.
I realised that I had been suffering Fr stress n slight depression since jun/jul last yr. Cos of the Gfc n how my boss had been reacting to it.
Toulia knew I was goin thru it. I believe it was actually a low time for many not jus me.
I am v angry n sad tat he could not realise the amt of stress I was goin thru. Tat he din realise that it was a stressful season for me. N he's decided to walk jus cos of his wrong perception.
I m so confused with everything people r telling me. I dun even know who I am already. I can't see the good in me tat God created. All I see is the wrongness. How can I start seeingthe good again?
Liz said my value jar has been depleted n tat I feel so bad cos I had alot of expectations tat were lost with the breakup. It's a grieving process.
No one knows wat I've been thru except Daddy God. No matter wat I try to explain no one can ever really know.
I dun wan sympathy or pity. Nor do I seek understanding when I tell my story.
Actually I duno wat I wan.
I feel so tired trying to do the right thing for myself. It's such a struggle to take the effort to even bath or brush teeth least to say dress well n make up.
Liz says I'm a fighter. N I kinda know tat. I never give up. Tats y if I didn't tink the rel was worth fighting for I won't try so hard.
But seems like I've wasted all my time n effort.
I've been depleted. Not jus by toulia. By everything in life.
My mom n her insecurities, her wants n expectations.
Those who call themselves my friends.
The world n it's world views.
Daddy says I should never b defeated. The devil can strike me down but never destroyed. Cos Christ has already won the battle. So I m not battling for victory. I'm battling to stay in freedom. I'm battling against temptation. Not even the cares of the world. I'm battling to live the life tat God called me to live, that Jesus died so I can have!
Hard pressed but not crushed. Perplexed but not in despair.
I must fight to remember who I am. I am valuable. I am precious. I am beautiful. I am special. N I am good. God said that I am good in His eyes. I am glorious.
15 aug evening- foster child
I feel like a child in foster care. Passed from one family to another, rejected, unloved, unaccepted n abandoned.
By having been accepted by God into His family thru Christ, I have access to everything God has in His kingdom. However it does not reduce the pain of rejection I suffered at the hand of others.
Susan said not to let it get to me. Not to get bitter n resentful bout it. But how not to? She said that when I understand tat I went thru wat I did was cos God KNEW tat I could, I would feel honored n privileged.
I guess I would get that eventually. But for now it really hurts.
Shiman said tat if it's causing me so much pain I should let toulia go. N it's not that I dun wana let it go. I want to. But the pain keeps coming back. Everything I hear n learn causes me to understand myself more. N thru it I jus see more unfairness. I stood by him thru tough times. When I was goin thru tough times n under the grind he jus picked at me. He didn't understand wat I was goin thru. It hurts to b abandoned. N I wish Gos would make it right n have him say sorry to me. I guess he eventually would. One day. But by then it would b too late or won't matter anymore. Perhaps it should never matter. Yes it should never matter. Cos God knows my heart. God knows wat I went thru. God knows tat I was struggling to live obediently. N tat I had been doin my best. Although it didn't have the result tat I wanted but God knows I did my best. That's enough. That's more than enough. Doesn't matter what others say.
Even Karen who kept talking bout my temper. She has her own issues. I still love her for her. She can't stand me cos of my loudness but it's cos of her experience with her dad. That's not my issue. That's her journey with God. He will take it up with her. Not me. It's not mine to challenge.
God gave me wisdom on certain matters to take it up with others. I have my issues too. N God is taking it up with me.
I really wana live a life free of my temper n I have set boundaries which I have not kept or so I tink. I wana stop speaking bad of others. So far I have not resisted. Thank God for His grace.
New moment. New opportunity. :)
With God there is always tomorrow.
By God's standard I am beautiful n perfect. Doesn't matter that I am still single. Doesn't matter that I have been rejected by others. He still loves me.
By having been accepted by God into His family thru Christ, I have access to everything God has in His kingdom. However it does not reduce the pain of rejection I suffered at the hand of others.
Susan said not to let it get to me. Not to get bitter n resentful bout it. But how not to? She said that when I understand tat I went thru wat I did was cos God KNEW tat I could, I would feel honored n privileged.
I guess I would get that eventually. But for now it really hurts.
Shiman said tat if it's causing me so much pain I should let toulia go. N it's not that I dun wana let it go. I want to. But the pain keeps coming back. Everything I hear n learn causes me to understand myself more. N thru it I jus see more unfairness. I stood by him thru tough times. When I was goin thru tough times n under the grind he jus picked at me. He didn't understand wat I was goin thru. It hurts to b abandoned. N I wish Gos would make it right n have him say sorry to me. I guess he eventually would. One day. But by then it would b too late or won't matter anymore. Perhaps it should never matter. Yes it should never matter. Cos God knows my heart. God knows wat I went thru. God knows tat I was struggling to live obediently. N tat I had been doin my best. Although it didn't have the result tat I wanted but God knows I did my best. That's enough. That's more than enough. Doesn't matter what others say.
Even Karen who kept talking bout my temper. She has her own issues. I still love her for her. She can't stand me cos of my loudness but it's cos of her experience with her dad. That's not my issue. That's her journey with God. He will take it up with her. Not me. It's not mine to challenge.
God gave me wisdom on certain matters to take it up with others. I have my issues too. N God is taking it up with me.
I really wana live a life free of my temper n I have set boundaries which I have not kept or so I tink. I wana stop speaking bad of others. So far I have not resisted. Thank God for His grace.
New moment. New opportunity. :)
With God there is always tomorrow.
By God's standard I am beautiful n perfect. Doesn't matter that I am still single. Doesn't matter that I have been rejected by others. He still loves me.
15 aug noon - more ramblings. Jus being angry
I m so upset after talking to karen chew bout toulia. I feel so angry on the inside that I wana make him pay. For the pain that he made me go through. He doesn't deserve happiness. He's such a liar! I hate him!
I dun wan him to b happy! I wana curse him!
There's jus great bitterness toward him! I hate him.
I dun wan him to b happy! I wana curse him!
There's jus great bitterness toward him! I hate him.
14 aug noon - still hurting
It feels sucky to b in tr pressence of couples. Especially young loving couples. Makes me feel so jealous n envious. It hurts. N I doubt if God ever meant to bless me tat way. It's something I have been wanting for such a long time but it jus never happened. N it seems like it will never happen.
I wonder now if I m holding on so much to the relationship with toulia cos I really love him or cos I feel so misunderstood n the only proof tat I have been understood is if he comes back. N if he accepts me as I m.
But tat means tat I m refusing to accept tat God gave us free will. I m forcing toulia to accept me.
It hurts cos I love him lots. N I've never really wanted to change him. Jus prayed tat he would b healed n whole n tat his frustrations would b sorted out. Supported him by being with him every step of the way tat I could.
But he has not returned the favor. He's jus walked away now tat his situation has changed.
Daddy it hurts. Help me.
I wonder now if I m holding on so much to the relationship with toulia cos I really love him or cos I feel so misunderstood n the only proof tat I have been understood is if he comes back. N if he accepts me as I m.
But tat means tat I m refusing to accept tat God gave us free will. I m forcing toulia to accept me.
It hurts cos I love him lots. N I've never really wanted to change him. Jus prayed tat he would b healed n whole n tat his frustrations would b sorted out. Supported him by being with him every step of the way tat I could.
But he has not returned the favor. He's jus walked away now tat his situation has changed.
Daddy it hurts. Help me.
12 aug evening ramblings
I realised toulia is not for me. I never knew that he minded how loud I was in public. We r a couple. Nothing else should matter. Doesn't matter how loud I am n what I m sayng. Doesn't matter whether people r looking or not.
If he loved me it won't matter. His face his ego mattered more.
My frens put up with me cos they love me. They do tell me when I get too loud. But they dun feel embarrassed. Toulia does. That means he is not right for me.
I don't know what God was tinking when He placed us together. I really don't. It's such a mismatch.
I don't wana give toulia another thought. N I will not stay miserable. I will live my life well! Cos I deserve it. No matter how much I suffer now cos of him he doesn't care. He only cares bout himself. Why would I wana b with someone like that.
I sacrificed so much for him yet he never cared. Y should I bother bout him? Y should I remember him.
Each memory I have is but another past. Doesn't matter how happy I tot we were. He doesn't care. He doesn't remember. So it doesn't matter.
I need to love myself. The most important relationship is with myself n with God. No amount of friends will make me happy. Busyness will my make me happy too. Only the peace of God will.
If he loved me it won't matter. His face his ego mattered more.
My frens put up with me cos they love me. They do tell me when I get too loud. But they dun feel embarrassed. Toulia does. That means he is not right for me.
I don't know what God was tinking when He placed us together. I really don't. It's such a mismatch.
I don't wana give toulia another thought. N I will not stay miserable. I will live my life well! Cos I deserve it. No matter how much I suffer now cos of him he doesn't care. He only cares bout himself. Why would I wana b with someone like that.
I sacrificed so much for him yet he never cared. Y should I bother bout him? Y should I remember him.
Each memory I have is but another past. Doesn't matter how happy I tot we were. He doesn't care. He doesn't remember. So it doesn't matter.
I need to love myself. The most important relationship is with myself n with God. No amount of friends will make me happy. Busyness will my make me happy too. Only the peace of God will.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
12 Aug 2010 - At work
I still miss Toulia. and I still wish that we can be together. I am trying to be really strong and focusing on God’s word and remembering that if God says its not good enough then why should I settle for less.
I can see the good that God is doing out of this entire breakdown. And I am happy.
My heart still aches whenever a memory of us comes to mind, like when his dad was in hospital and I went with him to visit.
:_(
I miss him so much!
I can see the good that God is doing out of this entire breakdown. And I am happy.
My heart still aches whenever a memory of us comes to mind, like when his dad was in hospital and I went with him to visit.
:_(
I miss him so much!
12 Aug 2010 Morn - Day 2
Woke up this morning angry and upset. Struggle to push away those emotions, cos I felt that it was bringing me towards a spiral down. Felt desperate. Thank God I found some peace and was later able to face the anger and hurt.
Had a dream and Toulia was in there. Again, causing me pain.
Thao also came to mind. And made me angry. I was angry at myself for allowing the men in my life to treat me the way they did. I felt so victimized. I felt so angry. I couldn’t understand why God couldn’t bring someone into my life who would love me and treat me well. I really thought Toulia would cos he was just so perfect.
He was the first guy who told me he liked me before he even tried to get physically intimate with me. He actually asked me to be his gf. I think I have forgotten how it is like to be treated well. After all the years of putting up with men’s cowardice, Toulia had been the perfect guy. He treated me well.
But not well enough. I still don’t think it is entirely his fault that we ended up having sex. We both didn’t want to. But our previous relationships were all based on sexual intimacy. And we both just didn’t know how to have a relationship without it. We both tried. We tried so hard.
God, where were You? You knew how hard we tried. Yet You allowed this to fall apart. You knew that we didn’t want it this way. Yet You didn’t give us the support we needed. Why?!
I know we should have gone for counseling earlier. But my will was not strong enough to convince Toulia. and I didn’t turn to God to ask for it. I know now it is my folly not to have turned to God. I just didn’t know how. And the need to protect myself is so strong that it was just so hard to let it go and give it to God. I know there is something in my past that has caused this need to be protective. To defend. I don’t know what it is. Might boil down to the same issue of my value. I don’t know.
I asked Johan yesterday about his avoiding of Toulia. and just as I had expected, he did not. Cos that is not what I experienced from him. He is not like that. But Dhani. I cant speak for him. I get that from Dhani too. I felt that rejection.
But that’s Dhani. And if he is not able to stand up and deal with the issue responsibly then it is HIS problem, not mine. I cannot understand why Toulia had to take it so personally. They were not even friends to start off with. Toulia knew Dhani from me. So what’s the big deal? And after the incident, Dhani was the only one who behaved that way. That is his own immaturity. If Toulia didn’t like it, he could have pulled Dhani up about it rather than gone ahead to assume things. I don’t know how true it is that Dhani was avoiding Toulia. I honestly just think it was Toulia feeling inadequate about how he handled the incident in dec.
And as for loren, I honestly cant be bothered with her. I know that I did her wrong. But I am not in that space to care about her as yet. This was the same struggle that I had. I was not ready to handle her, yet I forced myself to, cos I keep thinking it is important to treat people well. But I end up neglecting myself. I cannot do that again. I keep putting people first and forget about myself.
Even in the case of Minah. I put her first and forgot all about myself. And I ended up carrying a huge burden. Toulia knows now, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t give a shit. He just doesn’t listen to a single thing I say anymore. Daddy I don’t know what happened.
You know that I am right on several occasions. Yet Toulia cant hear it. Did You cover his ears? Or did the devil do that cos he didn’t want the reconciliation?
:_(
I’m really sad. It hurts so deep. I wana forget everything that happened. I want to forget all of him. I don’t want to remember his existence. I don’t want to remember knowing him. It hurts too much. Someone whom I have loved so much and given so much. Yet he has rejected me. He doesn’t see the good in me.
I know lots of people had talked about that I am better off without him. And that relationships sometimes just don’t work out cos of personality clashes, etc. but I feel otherwise. All relationships can be worked out. What needs to happen is commitment and communication. And there was a huge lack of communication on our part. He felt that he couldn’t come to me. But that was not the case. That was his own insecurity. Daddy You know that. I am so upset. Everything has become my fault. Why did he have to bother so much about what people thinks?
There are always things that we don’t know we are doing. We just need someone to love us enough to point it out to us, not being afraid of the outcome. Why Daddy why? Why couldn’t Toulia do that? Is it cos of his own childhood? But that’s not my fault. Why did he blame me for that?
I don’t know what his road is going to be. And in all that cynicism, I just feel that he is only going to be counseled regarding his sexual issues. They would not cover anything else. But I don’t know. You are the amazing God. One day, You’ll have him come back to me and say he is sorry for misunderstanding me. And take responsibility and tell me that the relationship could have worked out if not for his issues that he didn’t know how to deal with.
Everything that he has told me. They were all excuses. The part about him shutting down and pulling things apart when he wants to relax. You know that I have no issues with him doing that. I just want his time. But cos he just doesn’t give him his time, I feel so neglected. I don’t need him to talk to me all the time! I have no issues letting go off to do what he wants to do. But I don’t know when he wants to relax and when he is ok to talk. He doesn’t say anything like that.
Do You really think that we are so poorly matched? :_(
Daddy help me Lord. Help me get over this pain. Help me get over this rejection. Heal me. Help me understand that nothing matters as much as Your love for me.
I feel so alone. I am surrounded by friends yet I feel so alone. When I don’t hear from them, I feel abandoned. Daddy I don’t want to feel this way. Help me. Get me out of here!
Had a dream and Toulia was in there. Again, causing me pain.
Thao also came to mind. And made me angry. I was angry at myself for allowing the men in my life to treat me the way they did. I felt so victimized. I felt so angry. I couldn’t understand why God couldn’t bring someone into my life who would love me and treat me well. I really thought Toulia would cos he was just so perfect.
He was the first guy who told me he liked me before he even tried to get physically intimate with me. He actually asked me to be his gf. I think I have forgotten how it is like to be treated well. After all the years of putting up with men’s cowardice, Toulia had been the perfect guy. He treated me well.
But not well enough. I still don’t think it is entirely his fault that we ended up having sex. We both didn’t want to. But our previous relationships were all based on sexual intimacy. And we both just didn’t know how to have a relationship without it. We both tried. We tried so hard.
God, where were You? You knew how hard we tried. Yet You allowed this to fall apart. You knew that we didn’t want it this way. Yet You didn’t give us the support we needed. Why?!
I know we should have gone for counseling earlier. But my will was not strong enough to convince Toulia. and I didn’t turn to God to ask for it. I know now it is my folly not to have turned to God. I just didn’t know how. And the need to protect myself is so strong that it was just so hard to let it go and give it to God. I know there is something in my past that has caused this need to be protective. To defend. I don’t know what it is. Might boil down to the same issue of my value. I don’t know.
I asked Johan yesterday about his avoiding of Toulia. and just as I had expected, he did not. Cos that is not what I experienced from him. He is not like that. But Dhani. I cant speak for him. I get that from Dhani too. I felt that rejection.
But that’s Dhani. And if he is not able to stand up and deal with the issue responsibly then it is HIS problem, not mine. I cannot understand why Toulia had to take it so personally. They were not even friends to start off with. Toulia knew Dhani from me. So what’s the big deal? And after the incident, Dhani was the only one who behaved that way. That is his own immaturity. If Toulia didn’t like it, he could have pulled Dhani up about it rather than gone ahead to assume things. I don’t know how true it is that Dhani was avoiding Toulia. I honestly just think it was Toulia feeling inadequate about how he handled the incident in dec.
And as for loren, I honestly cant be bothered with her. I know that I did her wrong. But I am not in that space to care about her as yet. This was the same struggle that I had. I was not ready to handle her, yet I forced myself to, cos I keep thinking it is important to treat people well. But I end up neglecting myself. I cannot do that again. I keep putting people first and forget about myself.
Even in the case of Minah. I put her first and forgot all about myself. And I ended up carrying a huge burden. Toulia knows now, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t give a shit. He just doesn’t listen to a single thing I say anymore. Daddy I don’t know what happened.
You know that I am right on several occasions. Yet Toulia cant hear it. Did You cover his ears? Or did the devil do that cos he didn’t want the reconciliation?
:_(
I’m really sad. It hurts so deep. I wana forget everything that happened. I want to forget all of him. I don’t want to remember his existence. I don’t want to remember knowing him. It hurts too much. Someone whom I have loved so much and given so much. Yet he has rejected me. He doesn’t see the good in me.
I know lots of people had talked about that I am better off without him. And that relationships sometimes just don’t work out cos of personality clashes, etc. but I feel otherwise. All relationships can be worked out. What needs to happen is commitment and communication. And there was a huge lack of communication on our part. He felt that he couldn’t come to me. But that was not the case. That was his own insecurity. Daddy You know that. I am so upset. Everything has become my fault. Why did he have to bother so much about what people thinks?
There are always things that we don’t know we are doing. We just need someone to love us enough to point it out to us, not being afraid of the outcome. Why Daddy why? Why couldn’t Toulia do that? Is it cos of his own childhood? But that’s not my fault. Why did he blame me for that?
I don’t know what his road is going to be. And in all that cynicism, I just feel that he is only going to be counseled regarding his sexual issues. They would not cover anything else. But I don’t know. You are the amazing God. One day, You’ll have him come back to me and say he is sorry for misunderstanding me. And take responsibility and tell me that the relationship could have worked out if not for his issues that he didn’t know how to deal with.
Everything that he has told me. They were all excuses. The part about him shutting down and pulling things apart when he wants to relax. You know that I have no issues with him doing that. I just want his time. But cos he just doesn’t give him his time, I feel so neglected. I don’t need him to talk to me all the time! I have no issues letting go off to do what he wants to do. But I don’t know when he wants to relax and when he is ok to talk. He doesn’t say anything like that.
Do You really think that we are so poorly matched? :_(
Daddy help me Lord. Help me get over this pain. Help me get over this rejection. Heal me. Help me understand that nothing matters as much as Your love for me.
I feel so alone. I am surrounded by friends yet I feel so alone. When I don’t hear from them, I feel abandoned. Daddy I don’t want to feel this way. Help me. Get me out of here!
11 Aug 2010 evening - The start
It was a rough day for me today. Started my day being angry with God. Still feeling betrayed. As my friends Bernard and Minah supported me with the start of the day, I started falling deeper into the pit. But through listening to sermons, expressing my thoughts to them (and others) I am amazed to find strength in me that I never knew existed.
I actually communicated my current situation to my friends or rather a group of them. People whom I trusted or felt I could trust. And asked for their love and support during this period of time. Asked for coffee/lunches/appointments, which I much needed. I dun tink I ever did that in the past. and I duno where I picked that up, but I did and although I was crying as I was writing the email, it felt great after cos I think I had taken a step forward!
Heard Jill’s testimony and just could not understand how she went thru that painful period of time.
Somewhere along the lines, I stopped being angry with God. I still say the words that I feel betrayed, but I didn’t feel the intensity of the pain any longer.
Being able to speak with Karen gave me peace too. I felt loved and valued and adored. I felt like I had a mom! Kinda. And it was amazing to receive replies from Emily and Sandra as well. Though they didn’t say much, their support made me feel really good.
Although I was still angry at Toulia for what he said and did, but I feel good that I am walking away from it now. I duno how long my journey would be, but I do know that I have started the first step.
Through it all, I also realized that perhaps my hurt started not when my relationship with Toulia started. But way before that.
I had arrived in Australia happy! Excited! All passionate for God! And believing Him for everything! And He DID fulfill His promises. He provided me with a job! I remember hardly getting angry during that period of time. I know I got upset with my very first landlord, but that was the only one that I got upset with.
But through time, somehow the hurts and pains that I thought were healed started surfacing.
I started getting upset with the customers whom I was serving at Star city. Cos I felt that I was not treated right. I felt disrespected. I felt disregarded. And to make things worse, I had customers from Singapore and Malaysia who recognized who I was – an actress from Singapore! That really hurt!
Cos in Singapore, as an actress, I was successful! But here behind the counter at Star city, I was but a lowly receptionist! I felt like a failure! I felt embarrassed.
To top it up, I was accused and slandered. And though the truth was uncovered much later after I left, the pain and bitterness didn’t go away. It got worse with the relationship with Thao. I was used and abused and judged and condemned.
By God’s grace, He brought me out of that and I was on the road to recovery until I met Toulia. At that point in time, I guess I was still unsure. But cos I prayed and God opened the doors, I walked through those doors! Only to end up in a pile now.
Whats more powerful as well is the revelation of how I had looked at Loren. I didn’t like her. To me, she was fake. She had a mask on which I didn’t like. She was materialistic and I felt that she was fighting for toulia’s affections with me.
To me, she was like all the other women that my dad had affairs with. Greedy, materialistic, wanting a quick way out and liars, breakers of marriages. That’s how I saw Loren. I guess that’s my mistake. And realizing it now is making me feel bad and guilty about it. I will have to make it up to her. But only when I am whole again. Cos the scars I have from the breakup with Toulia are still fresh. It still hurts and I know I am not ready to make things right. But I eventually will. God is my witness.
That was the trigger that Loren has been pushing.
Regardless, this is my journey to wholeness. Although hurting, I am happy! I am glad. I feel loved! There is a joy that is unspeakable.
Thank you God.
I was so angry at You, yet You still loved me. You still brought people into my life to encourage me. It cant be anyone else but You. Cos You are full of goodness! I love You Daddy!
Thank You!
Thank You for not allowing me to remain second best.
Thank You for all the friends You placed in my life! For Bernard, Dora, Minah, Emily, Sandra, Brooker, John, Wan Hei. And the pastors who care for me even though they don’t know me – Karen Horn, Carol Simester, Jo White, Liz Woodcock.
I also get it that what Betty Johnston did was out of love and of no intention to hurt me. And I thank You for her too.
Thank You God!
Abba Father!
I actually communicated my current situation to my friends or rather a group of them. People whom I trusted or felt I could trust. And asked for their love and support during this period of time. Asked for coffee/lunches/appointments, which I much needed. I dun tink I ever did that in the past. and I duno where I picked that up, but I did and although I was crying as I was writing the email, it felt great after cos I think I had taken a step forward!
Heard Jill’s testimony and just could not understand how she went thru that painful period of time.
Somewhere along the lines, I stopped being angry with God. I still say the words that I feel betrayed, but I didn’t feel the intensity of the pain any longer.
Being able to speak with Karen gave me peace too. I felt loved and valued and adored. I felt like I had a mom! Kinda. And it was amazing to receive replies from Emily and Sandra as well. Though they didn’t say much, their support made me feel really good.
Although I was still angry at Toulia for what he said and did, but I feel good that I am walking away from it now. I duno how long my journey would be, but I do know that I have started the first step.
Through it all, I also realized that perhaps my hurt started not when my relationship with Toulia started. But way before that.
I had arrived in Australia happy! Excited! All passionate for God! And believing Him for everything! And He DID fulfill His promises. He provided me with a job! I remember hardly getting angry during that period of time. I know I got upset with my very first landlord, but that was the only one that I got upset with.
But through time, somehow the hurts and pains that I thought were healed started surfacing.
I started getting upset with the customers whom I was serving at Star city. Cos I felt that I was not treated right. I felt disrespected. I felt disregarded. And to make things worse, I had customers from Singapore and Malaysia who recognized who I was – an actress from Singapore! That really hurt!
Cos in Singapore, as an actress, I was successful! But here behind the counter at Star city, I was but a lowly receptionist! I felt like a failure! I felt embarrassed.
To top it up, I was accused and slandered. And though the truth was uncovered much later after I left, the pain and bitterness didn’t go away. It got worse with the relationship with Thao. I was used and abused and judged and condemned.
By God’s grace, He brought me out of that and I was on the road to recovery until I met Toulia. At that point in time, I guess I was still unsure. But cos I prayed and God opened the doors, I walked through those doors! Only to end up in a pile now.
Whats more powerful as well is the revelation of how I had looked at Loren. I didn’t like her. To me, she was fake. She had a mask on which I didn’t like. She was materialistic and I felt that she was fighting for toulia’s affections with me.
To me, she was like all the other women that my dad had affairs with. Greedy, materialistic, wanting a quick way out and liars, breakers of marriages. That’s how I saw Loren. I guess that’s my mistake. And realizing it now is making me feel bad and guilty about it. I will have to make it up to her. But only when I am whole again. Cos the scars I have from the breakup with Toulia are still fresh. It still hurts and I know I am not ready to make things right. But I eventually will. God is my witness.
That was the trigger that Loren has been pushing.
Regardless, this is my journey to wholeness. Although hurting, I am happy! I am glad. I feel loved! There is a joy that is unspeakable.
Thank you God.
I was so angry at You, yet You still loved me. You still brought people into my life to encourage me. It cant be anyone else but You. Cos You are full of goodness! I love You Daddy!
Thank You!
Thank You for not allowing me to remain second best.
Thank You for all the friends You placed in my life! For Bernard, Dora, Minah, Emily, Sandra, Brooker, John, Wan Hei. And the pastors who care for me even though they don’t know me – Karen Horn, Carol Simester, Jo White, Liz Woodcock.
I also get it that what Betty Johnston did was out of love and of no intention to hurt me. And I thank You for her too.
Thank You God!
Abba Father!
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