Woke up with a crazy dream. Dreamt tat the one who walked away Fr me was my cousin. Initially was upset bout it but I realised it was my cousin I felt sick cos I was supposed to have slept wth him. *vomit*
n my cousin is NOT good looking. I love him as my cousin but that's it. It makes me sick to dream bout him as my prince charming!
Sigh anyways it's jus a dull odd feeling tat I've been waking up to every morn. I dun like it but I guess I'll jus have to get thru it. N with time it'll pass faster. So at least tats something to look forward to. :)
N thru the day it gets better somehow n I can sleep well at night. :)
Read the 2nd half of Gal 3. N was surprised to find that what the preachers said bout law n faith is all in there! They didn't read bout it somewhere n had a revelation!
Also realised tat I DO love God! I couldn't understand tat concept but realised tat my behaviour, the way I live shows tat I love Him.
N I struggled to "grow up" cos my value jar was empty.
It made such a big difference to have been heard by Liz. Although I wish tat someone would b able to tell toulia, to show toulia wat I had been goin thru- how stressed I was n how I was jus coming out of my winter season. Tat we both were so close to getting out of our winter seasons. It would b so good.
I felt so upset n disappointed tat despite wat I had been telling toulia bout my situation he's forgotten tat I had been "suffering" since jul last yr. N my value gauge was empty n all the tantrums I was throwing was jus a faint attempt to get him to value me. But it didn't work. It was something he can't do.
But Minah also pointed out tat she could recognize it cos she went away n came back Fr a Hol. She could see tat when she came back I was still stressed but things were much better only in April after we moved.
I wish that toulia would see tat. But I guess it's jus a wish on my part. I guess God will send me someone else. It's another risk but with a support group I have now it would b a better journey.
N with God on my side it definitely would b better. Realizing n learning to turn to God n putting up with the issues of life n being still, allowing Him to sort it out is definitely a better solution than turning to my partner for it.
Somehow i feel more peace now than yesterday. :) it gets better day by day.
Although I felt overwhelmed yesterday cos I felt there's so much I need to change n do. But Liz having picked out the one main thing I need to deal with first somehow gave me peace n freedom. I feel lighter.
I dun feel tat I need to change n b obedient cos I already AM obedient. I can only do all that I can n I have been!
N watever else tat I can't, Jesus can. :)
Felt good knowing tat.
I know there's still alot for me to unpack so tat I can live the life that Jesus called me to live. So tat being responsible isn't such a huge struggle. :)
But tat will take time n when my value is built it will all come easy.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see hope. I dun feel so hopeless. I'm more open to correction n having to b responsible. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment