24 aug noon

Day ended good yesterday. Good conversation with Liz. Seems like I can soon overcome the triggers for my temper n handle it better. 
Tot this morn was that I dun wana change my temper but rather I wana change how I respond when I am angry. There will always b things tat will cause me to b annoyed but how do I deal with it?
N I walked out of the house today feeling generally good till I heard Jim brickmans song. Was so proud of myself till then. Tot tat I was finally able to count 2 to feeling good days. 
It was a mistake listening to tat song. Made me miss toulia so much n wished so hard tat he knew. 
All the past ran thru my mind- how all my other ex responded. N most of them came back. 
But toulia hasn't. N I duno if he ever will. 
I know it is in God's plans for me to have a family. But I duno when n with whom. N tho I really would like tat person to b toulia I can't tell Fr current circumstances. 
It hurts that he did not reply. But then again I asked God not to have him reply. Cos I didn't wana go thru another dip if he replied negatively. But I can't help wondering if he read the email or he jus deleted it. 
If he read it, did it soften his heart? Or did he think it's nonsense tat I sent him again. 
Oh how I wish I took away the starting title. Perhaps then he would have read. Who knows. Only God knows. 
I really wish that God is able to soften toulia's heart toward me. N that he would come back. That he would be a man n face up to the situation n not run away. Even after all his excuses I still duno wat is the real reason. N I guess I'll never know. 
Is he still missing me? Does he ever think bout the times we had? Were there happy times tat he remembers? Or has he forgotten me jus like the passing wind. 
Daddy! 
:(
Take this cup of sorrow away Fr me if u will.