It was a rough day for me today. Started my day being angry with God. Still feeling betrayed. As my friends Bernard and Minah supported me with the start of the day, I started falling deeper into the pit. But through listening to sermons, expressing my thoughts to them (and others) I am amazed to find strength in me that I never knew existed.
I actually communicated my current situation to my friends or rather a group of them. People whom I trusted or felt I could trust. And asked for their love and support during this period of time. Asked for coffee/lunches/appointments, which I much needed. I dun tink I ever did that in the past. and I duno where I picked that up, but I did and although I was crying as I was writing the email, it felt great after cos I think I had taken a step forward!
Heard Jill’s testimony and just could not understand how she went thru that painful period of time.
Somewhere along the lines, I stopped being angry with God. I still say the words that I feel betrayed, but I didn’t feel the intensity of the pain any longer.
Being able to speak with Karen gave me peace too. I felt loved and valued and adored. I felt like I had a mom! Kinda. And it was amazing to receive replies from Emily and Sandra as well. Though they didn’t say much, their support made me feel really good.
Although I was still angry at Toulia for what he said and did, but I feel good that I am walking away from it now. I duno how long my journey would be, but I do know that I have started the first step.
Through it all, I also realized that perhaps my hurt started not when my relationship with Toulia started. But way before that.
I had arrived in Australia happy! Excited! All passionate for God! And believing Him for everything! And He DID fulfill His promises. He provided me with a job! I remember hardly getting angry during that period of time. I know I got upset with my very first landlord, but that was the only one that I got upset with.
But through time, somehow the hurts and pains that I thought were healed started surfacing.
I started getting upset with the customers whom I was serving at Star city. Cos I felt that I was not treated right. I felt disrespected. I felt disregarded. And to make things worse, I had customers from Singapore and Malaysia who recognized who I was – an actress from Singapore! That really hurt!
Cos in Singapore, as an actress, I was successful! But here behind the counter at Star city, I was but a lowly receptionist! I felt like a failure! I felt embarrassed.
To top it up, I was accused and slandered. And though the truth was uncovered much later after I left, the pain and bitterness didn’t go away. It got worse with the relationship with Thao. I was used and abused and judged and condemned.
By God’s grace, He brought me out of that and I was on the road to recovery until I met Toulia. At that point in time, I guess I was still unsure. But cos I prayed and God opened the doors, I walked through those doors! Only to end up in a pile now.
Whats more powerful as well is the revelation of how I had looked at Loren. I didn’t like her. To me, she was fake. She had a mask on which I didn’t like. She was materialistic and I felt that she was fighting for toulia’s affections with me.
To me, she was like all the other women that my dad had affairs with. Greedy, materialistic, wanting a quick way out and liars, breakers of marriages. That’s how I saw Loren. I guess that’s my mistake. And realizing it now is making me feel bad and guilty about it. I will have to make it up to her. But only when I am whole again. Cos the scars I have from the breakup with Toulia are still fresh. It still hurts and I know I am not ready to make things right. But I eventually will. God is my witness.
That was the trigger that Loren has been pushing.
Regardless, this is my journey to wholeness. Although hurting, I am happy! I am glad. I feel loved! There is a joy that is unspeakable.
Thank you God.
I was so angry at You, yet You still loved me. You still brought people into my life to encourage me. It cant be anyone else but You. Cos You are full of goodness! I love You Daddy!
Thank You!
Thank You for not allowing me to remain second best.
Thank You for all the friends You placed in my life! For Bernard, Dora, Minah, Emily, Sandra, Brooker, John, Wan Hei. And the pastors who care for me even though they don’t know me – Karen Horn, Carol Simester, Jo White, Liz Woodcock.
I also get it that what Betty Johnston did was out of love and of no intention to hurt me. And I thank You for her too.
Thank You God!
Abba Father!
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