man i really preached myself happy! :)
Definitely need more of this. lol
sounds like David!
was upset, angry, disappointed. but now getting better.
sometimes still feel that way, but focus more on self la
was very angry with the pastor who conducted the meeting together, cos feel like she was taking his side. didnt seem interested in finding out what i wanted
i never tot that i would have wanted to stop work, but i actually do. had all intentions to stop work when i got married (when i was planning with toulia)
oh wells... that's all gone down the drain. anyways... there's alot for me to sort out i guess.
its not just about toulia anymore. there's heaps of stuff that i never processed.
so gota run through that
but first and foremost i think i have forgotten who i am already.
well, one step at a time.
i have no concept or idea of who i am. after all the rejection and lal the criticism that i constantly get,
all i can rem and know is that i have a very bad temper full stop.
i know nothing else about me. there's heaps i know but i cannot recognise any of them.
i cannot acknowledge them as me. i dont know me already.
unfortunately, the bad side of things is what people always see or emphasize on.
and until i am secure with who i am, its still going to continue to hurt me/kill me.
so psychologist now working with me to build my foundation -
who i am - my value.
i just feel so tired and unmotivated that i just dont want to work. dont even know what i want.
with a weak foundation, how can a builder build the building? so well, cant move or do anything until i sort this out. once it is sorted, foundation all set, things will start moving.
so as with all buildings, gota dig deep. so the pillars will be firm and sturdy.
you know how you gals were saying i should not leave sg cos i am running away from things?
i tot i was not... cos i tot it was refering to my parents since they gave me most grief... hehe
but it was running away from Singapore. there's alot about sg that i really dislike - with a vengeance.
strong resentment and bitterness and i guess i never let that go.
including my dad's women. i forgave my dad but i never forgave his women. i hated them cos i felt that they competed for my dad's attention and they destroyed a possibly happy marriage. only thing is i never tot of that until now. and all cos of this gal who is toulia's friend from sg. look like the typical mistress look, going for rich older men, materialistic, prissy, bit like mitch's neighbour, ning's mom. not that they have a bad heart. not that all girls who look/behave that way are all mistresses. but cos of the perception i had of those women, i place them all in a box. i never knew that.
there are women that i iwll not like for no reason and i cant tell why. initially tot 6 sense
cos after that always get stabbed by them in the back. but on hindsight, i guess it was like prophesy come true cos of my fears.
like this gal, cos of my perception of her, i constantly fel that she was always turning to toulia for attention but thing is she might not have but cos of my fears... i perceived it that way, and eventually toulia took her side! said that i treated her bad and he's upset that he "lost" a friend of 10 years!
but thing is i was actually trying to do everything i can to help her. she's honestly very prissy – princess.
go for camping wear sun dress and open toe heels! so its honestly rather irritating. but for me, it was pure beyond irritating. its the - get all the guys attention and "sympathy" so she gets things her way.
that's how the women i came across who were with my dad. i hated them with a vengeance. anyways... that's something that i need to unpack.
but not now, cos its important, but not as important. just like lighting and electricity in a building. everything step by step.
Sigh... sometimes wish have express train. sort everything out faster.
(i think it's good that you have someone to guide you through all these. as it is, we as your friends know you have issues but cannot help you with it.)
she's bit different from normal psychologist. during the week, i can email her and she'll reply or if it is really bad, she'll give me a call back.
(a professional, if she is able to work with you through it after all these years, why not.)
but i have seen psychologist before her and all of them kept talking about my parents.
yes i know it definitely affected me when i was growing up, but they cant take the blame for everything.
there must be something else that can be done right? i guess when she hit the key about my value...
it was really hitting the nail on the head. Straight away i felt better. Lighter. Peace.
(well, but the basis lays with them. unfortunately, even as a parent now, i think we parents have a huge responsibility on how our children turn out)
Yup. but i no longer blame my parents. but alot of the psychologist will say its their fault and that i need to forgive them,etc
sigh...
the big guy up there will sort things out.
He's El Shaddai
He's Elohim
He's Emmanuel
Helper
Comforter
Provider
Rewarder
Overcomer
Reconciliator
so well, its His job. sometimes its weird. but instead of rejecting a way i feel, i tell him how i am honestly feeling it, it goes away!!!!
(but forgiving them is one thing. but stopping it from affect your entire being/personality is another. )
hmmm
well, that's unlearning everything i've learnt
sigh... after 30odd years... not easy. but then doable.
(maybe this time, this psychologist will be able to work out with you how to unlearn all that)
Yeah... actually.. God already showed me. some of it actually. the very basic request HE had was to leave everything to Him. one of the reason that i get upset often is when i feel wronged, disregarded, disrespected, and He's said to leave it all to Him and to "suffer" in silence and let Him be the vindicator. too many sermons and books all saying the same thing at the same time. cannot be anyone else but God
especially when sometimes the topic of the sermons are totally unrelated!!!!
a friend actually just challenged me to swallow everything and leave it to God. He'll provide the wisdom what to do and He'll right all the wrongs so... trying...
( if you can do that, it means that something is working. )
lol... not all the time. but i know over time it'll get better. like exercise - the more we work the muscle, the stronger it gets right .
(i think if you can feel "wronged" and not react to the feeling, it would be a big step forward. cos i remember how you said things always start with you feeling like you are wronged (be it wrongly treated or misunderstood etc) i am reading this book, on parenting.... and there is this important part that talks about doing something even if you do not like it and soon, the feelings would follow.
e.g. if i make sure the children say thank you everytime, even when they do not like it, over time as they keep doing it, the feelings of actually being grateful/thankful when something is done for them will follow. it's the whole idea that feelings follow behaviour. how if we act in a certain way all the time, our feelings will follow suit.)
yeah... i know. joyce meyer keeps preaching it and i keep reaching scripture in the bilbe that says it too!!!
so... who else you think it came from? hehe
basically she said - if we continue to behave according to our emotions = we are infants but we need to grow up to be mature christians at some point in time. being an adult has responsibilities.
(actually the book i am reading is following jewish principles. but jewish principles comes from the old testament. yes, before Christ but still word from God. the jewish have very strict principles.)
the scripture i was reading was eph 4:26-32. that shut me up! And Galatians - fruits of the spirit.
LONG SUFFERING
even though i dont feel like it. gota do it! cos i am an adult! gota be responsible, have integrity, do the right thing. if i fail, its ok, cos God has grace. however gota keep striving, not out of my own strength, just keep on doing what i can.
long suffering = patience
i always had the impression that things happen overnight - change happens overnight.
even my transformation happens overnight too. cos always have testimony about how people suddenly no longer felt like smoking or no longer alcoholic. but all those were "special" cases.
God works that way, but that's not the norm. only after last night's cg sharing did i realise that transformation takes time. and its bit by bit - just as it was for me.
but i felt that i was not good enough. cos i didnt seem to be changing fast enough. at least not by human standards. but i guess God has His own timing. most importantly is He is constantly changing me. one day i'll get there. i never quite understood that when the older folks will encourage me. but now i do. cos if i am constantly changing, i eventually become what God created me to be, like a building, if they keep adding the layers and floors, the building eventually be finished.
(that's the right spirit.)
in the beginning, it can look like empty land for a long time. but suddenly over a few weeks, you can see lots of levels. i believe that is how it would be too . now is a difficult time but it will pass as i am strengthened and it gets easier and better
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