After toulia is out of my life, tho there is the pain I had to deal with, my life has actually become less volatile.
Jus found out tat toulia left staff bout 2 weeks ago. My heart sank.
All sorts of tots came into my mind.
- felt tat I got him in trouble. Tat if I did not react the way I did it wouldn't have gone to tat level n he won't have been found out.
- felt frightened cos wats happening now is exactly wat I had wished for in my conversation with Bernard.
- feel hopeless. Now tat he wasn't working in church there was an even smaller chance of running into each other. How would we even have a reconciliation of friendship least to say a relationship
- feel foolish for declaring tat he is my husband.
- feel fear. Now tat he is back in the racing scene there r even more temptations. Where would I stand then? It would be even easier for him to forget me. He really has moved on.
- feel helpless cos there's nothing tat I can do to change the situation. Seems like God is really closing the doors. He wants me to forget bout toulia n not tink bout it again.
- feel like I dun have a choice. The door is shut tight in my face.
- can't understand. Does tat mean tat everything tat I tot i had heard that I tot was Fr God might not have been? I'm confused.
It hurts. I feel so frantic. Was desperately trying to grap at something. At someone. Someone who might b able to so something n change something.
But if God is with me n even He has not done anything then who in the world do I tink can do something?
My God the Almighty has turned away fr the situation! Who else do I tink can do anything bout it? Feels like a big huge NO n tat I have not been obedient to listen to Him.
I feel so foolish. Feel so silly! Still feel frantic hoping tat I can do something to change things! But I can't.
Even the email I sent him did not get to him. I can see God is determined to end everything. To cut the ties.
Daddy I feel so lost. So confused. It's so painful.
You ask me to trust You yet everything seem hopeless! You gave me the peace n confidence to stand up to the devil yet now I feel foolish cos it seems like Youve closed the door n I was the one who didn't hear fr You. To tink tat o had the audacity to ask You to get him to contact me within the week. This is hopeless. It's the end. It's gone!
*cries*
There r so many changes n the decisions tat he has made causes me to feel tat I do not know him anymore.
God has removed the people in my life who had been causing me grief. But y do I still feel so empty? So hollow? Not only do I not rejoice but I feel emptiness. It hurts in fact. I want to lash out. I wana tear out my heart so I won't feel tat horrible empty n painful feeling anymore. But I can't!
Deliver me oh God!
Like Cathy, I desperately wanted to be married too. I desperately wanted a husband. Y God y?
How God how?
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