It's a battle. Believing in God rather than my circumstances. It's also a conflict. Learning more bout how God had intended us to live n how I've been living.
I want to change. I wana live God's way yet the fight is so tough!
Met a few ladies during street teams. They r so lovely n gorgeous. N hearing wat they shared at their age I can't help but wonder how it would b for me to live the way they lived instead of how I had been living.
I duno really know how to go about the change. But I know that God will make it happen. It already started long ago. Way before today. I'm sure it started when I first said yes to Jesus when Esther prayed for me.
I give thanks for her. If not for her I will not b here today. Although my life seems to b boring but looking back now I see the wonder of God's hand on my life.
He has been transforming me bit by bit. N now is the big overhaul. It's no more a small touch up here n there. God doesn't jus want me patched up. He wants me renewed. N I want to b renewed. I am me yet alot of my behaviour is not me. N I dun want tat anymore. I can see tat I was made for more.
Walked past red star cafe n rem the farewell for nyradso. Toulia was there too. Miss him. N rem tat toulia was supposed to go melb to work. If he did I wouldn't have met him. N he came to serve in tv. If not for Thao I wouldn't b serving in tv either.
It is no coincidence. But I duno if toulia is the one until the end.
It seems impossible for a reconciliation least to say restoration of our relationship. But my trust is in God. If it is in His plans no matter how hard He'll make it happen. Toulia will rem the times tat we spent together. Our paths will cross again. Only God knows.
If toulia is not in God's plans for me then I would rather not force it. Cos I dun wana carry it on my own.
I have left it in God's hands n I know He will take care of it. I believe that He has been. All the way Fr the start. Fr the time before we even met.
But toulia is the least of my issues now. There is this flesh that need to go. Wat I desire n wat I'm doin t 2 very diff things. N I really wana b refined by God. Yet the pain Fr the heat sometimes seem impossible to bear. I know I have been called. Not jus as any other Christian. I know I have my own sheep to look after. N I cannot allow the devil to take me away again.
Holy spirit help me.
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