16 Aug evening

Day didn't start that good. Was not a low low yet it was not a high. I tink I'll call it a plateu low.
By the time I went to see Liz my head was all muddled up. But after the session I m much better. At least I can start to want to care for myself bit more. I want to get well. I want to rebuild my value.

As I talk bout my situation with Liz I get more insight into how I felt during the relationship.
I was not heard.
I was not loved.
I was not appreciated.
N I was confused.
Toulia was living double standards. Telling me one thing n doing yet another. Like the time he kept telling me bout his cousin n how horrible she was n I started disliking her. Then I get questioned y I disliked her so much.
N how angry he gets with his Hmong community n parents. N his driving road rage.
He was doin one thing n preaching another to me expecting me to live up to the standards he had without seeing that he was not meeting them either.
I realised that I had been suffering Fr stress n slight depression since jun/jul last yr. Cos of the Gfc n how my boss had been reacting to it.
Toulia knew I was goin thru it. I believe it was actually a low time for many not jus me.
I am v angry n sad tat he could not realise the amt of stress I was goin thru. Tat he din realise that it was a stressful season for me. N he's decided to walk jus cos of his wrong perception.
I m so confused with everything people r telling me. I dun even know who I am already. I can't see the good in me tat God created. All I see is the wrongness. How can I start seeingthe good again?
Liz said my value jar has been depleted n tat I feel so bad cos I had alot of expectations tat were lost with the breakup. It's a grieving process.
No one knows wat I've been thru except Daddy God. No matter wat I try to explain no one can ever really know.
I dun wan sympathy or pity. Nor do I seek understanding when I tell my story.
Actually I duno wat I wan.
I feel so tired trying to do the right thing for myself. It's such a struggle to take the effort to even bath or brush teeth least to say dress well n make up.
Liz says I'm a fighter. N I kinda know tat. I never give up. Tats y if I didn't tink the rel was worth fighting for I won't try so hard.
But seems like I've wasted all my time n effort.
I've been depleted. Not jus by toulia. By everything in life.
My mom n her insecurities, her wants n expectations.
Those who call themselves my friends.
The world n it's world views.
Daddy says I should never b defeated. The devil can strike me down but never destroyed. Cos Christ has already won the battle. So I m not battling for victory. I'm battling to stay in freedom. I'm battling against temptation. Not even the cares of the world. I'm battling to live the life tat God called me to live, that Jesus died so I can have!
Hard pressed but not crushed. Perplexed but not in despair.
I must fight to remember who I am. I am valuable. I am precious. I am beautiful. I am special. N I am good. God said that I am good in His eyes. I am glorious.