After so many months of deliberation I still have not gotten past the breakup. Many promises made to let go to move on all but just promises for that moment.
I'm watching beautiful fireworks outside a Fren's place yet I can't feel the joy that everyone has. I dun like feeling this way. But what are beautiful fireworks without anyone dear to share it with?!
What's wrong with me?! He's already moved on. Why can't I? Why is it so difficult? Why do I still hope?! Why can't I just let go and trust God?! What is wrong with me?
I know I can live life without this sense of heaviness and pain. Yet why do I keep choosing the other way?! It is ridiculous.
Daddy I really want out. This is not the life You intended for me so I am NOT going to live it!
Peace, joy, hope are what You've placed in my life! It is my birthright! I will not let the devil take it away!
My trust is in You! You know what's best for me so I'll leave it to You. You know what needs to be changed and only You can change it so I'll leave it to You too! Just fill my heart with Your love, Daddy!
Thank You for allowing me to pour out my heart to You and thank you for collecting my tears in Your bottle. :)
Thank you Jesus!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
2011 resolution
2011年是个新的一年。我要从新做人。我要好好站起来做个有用的人。我不盼望他在会到我身边。也不期待有什么奇机。我受够了。从我们开始谈恋爱到分手的时候，什么都是为他而想。他太自私了。吃饭也不没想过我。受苦的时候也没想过我。到现在，他只想了他自己一个人。我为他付出的他也没想过。到此为止。我不要在为他或其他人想了。没次都是我为人想。没有一次是人家为我而想的。我不是自私。可是真的是首够了。我还是会去努力地爱人。因为这是老爸所想要的。可是能够靠近我的人就只有这一些了。不是没个人都会为我而付出的。我不会在去官那些对我不重要的人。我要做好我本分。不丹把工作做的有出色。还要吧家私公司高到有名有声的。我要成功。
也要在当中有个完美的家。我知道老爸已经有个人选了。我知道他不会令我失望的。只有老爸一直以来流在我身边。只有老爸鼓励我，安慰我。谢谢老爸。
我不会让你失望的。我会活得开心的。
也要在当中有个完美的家。我知道老爸已经有个人选了。我知道他不会令我失望的。只有老爸一直以来流在我身边。只有老爸鼓励我，安慰我。谢谢老爸。
我不会让你失望的。我会活得开心的。
Saturday, December 25, 2010
25 Dec 2010 - Christmas spirit
It is Christmas and everyone is sharing the joy of the season, except some.
Got dumped with his shit and issues last night, although the intention as pure. Really grateful for God's grace, which allowed me to be prepared for the rejection from him. Being able to recognise my self worth and who I am to people has been awesome!
My status, job, the things I do, do not determine my worth and success. I have been made perfect in God's eyes and He made me beautiful and with a purpose. He will lead me and guide me to fulfill the purpose He has written into eternity about my life!
I am walking away. I still trust that God told me toulia is the one. However, I am walking away now. He will no longer take any more attention in my life. He is not ready to deal with what happened between the two of us. And I will not force him to. I am at peace. His rejection of me and the idea of us being friends hurt. However, it is his loss. Although I have my weakness, I also know who I am and what I have to offer.
Carol is right. Every person is a precious gem. And in every encounter, I need to ask what I can bring into the person's life rather than what the person can give me or how the person has done me wrong. And that, I shall do, as consciously as I can, until it becomes an unconscious attitude.
I am thankful that I have not fallen into the oblivious again. I still have no idea what God was telling me today. But my trust is in Him and not the signs I see. If Daddy God has said yes and has assured me so many times, though the relationship seems as dead as it can be, I trust that God will resurrect it just as He resurrected Sarah's womb and just as Jesus resurrected Lazrus.
I have too much to offer and too little time to do it. I need to focus on using the gifts that God has given me, to give back to what He has given me. I give, not cos I have to or want to work for it and pay for it, but cos God has given me so much!
Thank you Jesus!
I know that God will expand my circle of friends and He will also bring to pass the issues I have struggled with for the longest time I can remember. I am beautiful, I am bold. I am courageous and I know that God has great plans for me. He will surround me with friends who will love me for who I am and walk with me and help me grow. Iron sharpens iron.
I know that God is working on my behalf, over time, behind the scenes, although my circumstances does not seem to show that way. And I will be obedient and faithful and trust in the Lord, to provide what He promised.
I know that when God invites me into the boat, He will take me to the other side, where there are others who are waiting to benefit from my arrival.
Got dumped with his shit and issues last night, although the intention as pure. Really grateful for God's grace, which allowed me to be prepared for the rejection from him. Being able to recognise my self worth and who I am to people has been awesome!
My status, job, the things I do, do not determine my worth and success. I have been made perfect in God's eyes and He made me beautiful and with a purpose. He will lead me and guide me to fulfill the purpose He has written into eternity about my life!
I am walking away. I still trust that God told me toulia is the one. However, I am walking away now. He will no longer take any more attention in my life. He is not ready to deal with what happened between the two of us. And I will not force him to. I am at peace. His rejection of me and the idea of us being friends hurt. However, it is his loss. Although I have my weakness, I also know who I am and what I have to offer.
Carol is right. Every person is a precious gem. And in every encounter, I need to ask what I can bring into the person's life rather than what the person can give me or how the person has done me wrong. And that, I shall do, as consciously as I can, until it becomes an unconscious attitude.
I am thankful that I have not fallen into the oblivious again. I still have no idea what God was telling me today. But my trust is in Him and not the signs I see. If Daddy God has said yes and has assured me so many times, though the relationship seems as dead as it can be, I trust that God will resurrect it just as He resurrected Sarah's womb and just as Jesus resurrected Lazrus.
I have too much to offer and too little time to do it. I need to focus on using the gifts that God has given me, to give back to what He has given me. I give, not cos I have to or want to work for it and pay for it, but cos God has given me so much!
Thank you Jesus!
I know that God will expand my circle of friends and He will also bring to pass the issues I have struggled with for the longest time I can remember. I am beautiful, I am bold. I am courageous and I know that God has great plans for me. He will surround me with friends who will love me for who I am and walk with me and help me grow. Iron sharpens iron.
I know that God is working on my behalf, over time, behind the scenes, although my circumstances does not seem to show that way. And I will be obedient and faithful and trust in the Lord, to provide what He promised.
I know that when God invites me into the boat, He will take me to the other side, where there are others who are waiting to benefit from my arrival.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
22 Dec 2010 - what i want to say
There are so many things on my mind. SO many things I want to say. But most importantly, I really want to make things right with toulia.
I know that by restricting him to selected services cos I attend the Sunday day service (9 & 11) and i serve in the sat night service, I am not being fair to him. And I want to make it right by lifting that restriction. I know that he even has respected that and not really turned up at those service times cos he is a gentleman. I dont know if he did it cos he loved me, or cos he was just restricted. regardless, I am thankful. It gave me time and space to heal and recover.
I still dun understand what happened and why he chose to walk away instead of trying to make things work. But i have grown so much since and without this event happening, I doubt that i will be able to have that growth, so I am thankful for it too.
sigh... Daddy... will i ever be able to make it right? Will he ever be able to forgive me for it?
I really love him alot. And as i read more about relationships, i really want to share so many things with him. i miss the times that we used to hang out. :(
i really loved the times that i spent with him. i really wish that he would call. :(
so tempted to write him a letter and just pass the gift to simon to pass to him. however, i really dont have the peace to do it. somehow i guess its not time yet. perhaps in the new year. its pointless to write the letter if i am to meet with him, which I really hope that God will make it happen. My trust really is in God and if He doesnt make it happen, I definitely cant.
And i really just have to surrender.
It is a really painful time, cos I really miss him and want to be back with him. But yet, it is something that I cant say. I really wish that he still misses me and the good times that we spent together. And that he has the courage to take the step to give things another shot between the two of us.
Lord help me!
I know that by restricting him to selected services cos I attend the Sunday day service (9 & 11) and i serve in the sat night service, I am not being fair to him. And I want to make it right by lifting that restriction. I know that he even has respected that and not really turned up at those service times cos he is a gentleman. I dont know if he did it cos he loved me, or cos he was just restricted. regardless, I am thankful. It gave me time and space to heal and recover.
I still dun understand what happened and why he chose to walk away instead of trying to make things work. But i have grown so much since and without this event happening, I doubt that i will be able to have that growth, so I am thankful for it too.
sigh... Daddy... will i ever be able to make it right? Will he ever be able to forgive me for it?
I really love him alot. And as i read more about relationships, i really want to share so many things with him. i miss the times that we used to hang out. :(
i really loved the times that i spent with him. i really wish that he would call. :(
so tempted to write him a letter and just pass the gift to simon to pass to him. however, i really dont have the peace to do it. somehow i guess its not time yet. perhaps in the new year. its pointless to write the letter if i am to meet with him, which I really hope that God will make it happen. My trust really is in God and if He doesnt make it happen, I definitely cant.
And i really just have to surrender.
It is a really painful time, cos I really miss him and want to be back with him. But yet, it is something that I cant say. I really wish that he still misses me and the good times that we spent together. And that he has the courage to take the step to give things another shot between the two of us.
Lord help me!
22 Dec 2010 - tempted
I'm so tempted to call him. even before consuming alcohol. even more so after consuming alcohol. But i had a really good time at the 2threads event. :)
although he has not called and its been almost 2 weeks since i called him, i trust in God to get him to call at the right time.
for some reason, i dont believe that he has totally forgotten about me. I am sure that he is doing his best to. But somehow i know that he still loves me. Its odd. hopefully i am not wrong. I really wish that we would be able to get together before the end of the year. I really miss him.
Part of me says its ok if he doesnt reply. Cos i know that God has someone for me. however I do also wish that he would reply. That we can get together again. But that is only for God to know. Cos only God knows if we are really compatible with each other and if we are willing to learn and make things work with each other. I trust God with my future.
God has been good to me. He has been encouraging me, teaching me and growing me. although many times i feel sad, disappointed and hopeless, God has encouraged me. And I am thankful.
I really want to know Daddy more. I feel like i know Him, yet i dont. And i guess, it'll take a long time to actually know Him. Perhaps forever, and I probably still dont know Him. :)
But its ok. Whether I know Him or not, I know that Daddy God loves me. And that's what really matters. I am precious to Him. That is why He looks after me. He encourages me. He stays with me. He shows me His love.
Gosh I really wish that Toulia will call me before the year ends. Really would like to make things right before that. And obviously, if possible, hope that God can reconcile our relationship before end of the year. However, I will not give up hope even if it doesnt happen. Cos I know that God is faithful. He is the only one whom I can place my hopes in. And if Daddy God says no, who am I to say yes?
I know that God knows best for me. And He leads me and guides me daily. I am thankful for the growth.
although he has not called and its been almost 2 weeks since i called him, i trust in God to get him to call at the right time.
for some reason, i dont believe that he has totally forgotten about me. I am sure that he is doing his best to. But somehow i know that he still loves me. Its odd. hopefully i am not wrong. I really wish that we would be able to get together before the end of the year. I really miss him.
Part of me says its ok if he doesnt reply. Cos i know that God has someone for me. however I do also wish that he would reply. That we can get together again. But that is only for God to know. Cos only God knows if we are really compatible with each other and if we are willing to learn and make things work with each other. I trust God with my future.
God has been good to me. He has been encouraging me, teaching me and growing me. although many times i feel sad, disappointed and hopeless, God has encouraged me. And I am thankful.
I really want to know Daddy more. I feel like i know Him, yet i dont. And i guess, it'll take a long time to actually know Him. Perhaps forever, and I probably still dont know Him. :)
But its ok. Whether I know Him or not, I know that Daddy God loves me. And that's what really matters. I am precious to Him. That is why He looks after me. He encourages me. He stays with me. He shows me His love.
Gosh I really wish that Toulia will call me before the year ends. Really would like to make things right before that. And obviously, if possible, hope that God can reconcile our relationship before end of the year. However, I will not give up hope even if it doesnt happen. Cos I know that God is faithful. He is the only one whom I can place my hopes in. And if Daddy God says no, who am I to say yes?
I know that God knows best for me. And He leads me and guides me daily. I am thankful for the growth.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
13 Dec 2010 - Hope, Faith & Trust
After the very encouraging declaration of boldness to trust in God for a restoration of my relationship with Toulia, I was bombarded with fears of "what ifs". What if he still didnt want to talk to me. What if he still hates me. What if he has a new interest already? What if, what if, what if.
And of cos, the "hows". How should i do it? Should i sms him, or call him or email him? What would be the best? And what would i say?
Then back to the what ifs.
It took an entire morning of struggling with God to believe and trust that He will see things through as He had and has always promised and done so. For my house, for my work and for my relationship.
This is the first and I strongly believe that it will also be the last relationship that I will have, and that I have trusted in God for. He provided the meeting. He provided the open doors and He kept things going.
I know my Daddy God is not a schitzo. He will not cause us to meet and fall in love and then say we are a wrong match for one another. True there is free will. And that is the cause of hurts and pains that we cause one another. If it is God's plan, nothing, no mistake that we make will ever be big enough to stop His plans.
When I took the first step to call him, it was hard. It was scary. Cos of the what ifs. cos of the disbelieve i had cos of the current situation. but God is sovereign. He is in control. If it is not the right time, He would not have spoken to me about it. I trust that my actions and thoughts are guided by the Holy spirit in me. And if it was my wrong judgment, that God will have the grace for me to deal with it.
The first call was long. He did not pick up. I questioned if he was avoiding my call or authentically busy and could not pick up. I was so disappointed when the call ended and he did not pick up. And I prayed. I could not lose hope. I asked that God work it out. My trust is in Him. I will call again if i need to, but the feeling was really overwhelming. I was so disappointed.
As I read the prayer to encourage myself and build my trust, suddenly the phone rang. something i never expected. He rang back!
Although his answer was rather disappointing, asking who I was cos he got a missed call, we managed to have a chat. it was nice.
i hope he feels the same too. My hope is in God. No one else can help me. And if God doesnt open the doors, no one else can.
Now that I got through to his phone, now it is up to him to get back to me regarding coffee. again, there is the fear of rejection.
i know there will be heaps more along the way. loads of what ifs that will get in the way. and I can only lean into God.
Although Minah is aware of what's happening, there is nothing that she can do. She is only human. I am in this alone with God. I feel that no one can understand. My heart leaps with joy, yet it is burdened with fear.
I need to keep placing my trust back on God, that He knows what is happening and what to do, and IS doing something about it all.
There's so much i want to say, but i dont know if it will ever be said. I must and can only trust that my thoughts and actions are guided by God. No longer shall I doubt it. No longer will I fear that my mistkae might be so great that God cant deal with it.
God is sovereign. He is Almighty. He is El Shaddai! He created the world. He created me. He knows what I am going through. How can He not be powerful enough to turn my mistakes around? And He will provide sufficient grace for me to deal with the consequences. Nothing is bigger than My God!
And of cos, the "hows". How should i do it? Should i sms him, or call him or email him? What would be the best? And what would i say?
Then back to the what ifs.
It took an entire morning of struggling with God to believe and trust that He will see things through as He had and has always promised and done so. For my house, for my work and for my relationship.
This is the first and I strongly believe that it will also be the last relationship that I will have, and that I have trusted in God for. He provided the meeting. He provided the open doors and He kept things going.
I know my Daddy God is not a schitzo. He will not cause us to meet and fall in love and then say we are a wrong match for one another. True there is free will. And that is the cause of hurts and pains that we cause one another. If it is God's plan, nothing, no mistake that we make will ever be big enough to stop His plans.
When I took the first step to call him, it was hard. It was scary. Cos of the what ifs. cos of the disbelieve i had cos of the current situation. but God is sovereign. He is in control. If it is not the right time, He would not have spoken to me about it. I trust that my actions and thoughts are guided by the Holy spirit in me. And if it was my wrong judgment, that God will have the grace for me to deal with it.
The first call was long. He did not pick up. I questioned if he was avoiding my call or authentically busy and could not pick up. I was so disappointed when the call ended and he did not pick up. And I prayed. I could not lose hope. I asked that God work it out. My trust is in Him. I will call again if i need to, but the feeling was really overwhelming. I was so disappointed.
As I read the prayer to encourage myself and build my trust, suddenly the phone rang. something i never expected. He rang back!
Although his answer was rather disappointing, asking who I was cos he got a missed call, we managed to have a chat. it was nice.
i hope he feels the same too. My hope is in God. No one else can help me. And if God doesnt open the doors, no one else can.
Now that I got through to his phone, now it is up to him to get back to me regarding coffee. again, there is the fear of rejection.
i know there will be heaps more along the way. loads of what ifs that will get in the way. and I can only lean into God.
Although Minah is aware of what's happening, there is nothing that she can do. She is only human. I am in this alone with God. I feel that no one can understand. My heart leaps with joy, yet it is burdened with fear.
I need to keep placing my trust back on God, that He knows what is happening and what to do, and IS doing something about it all.
There's so much i want to say, but i dont know if it will ever be said. I must and can only trust that my thoughts and actions are guided by God. No longer shall I doubt it. No longer will I fear that my mistkae might be so great that God cant deal with it.
God is sovereign. He is Almighty. He is El Shaddai! He created the world. He created me. He knows what I am going through. How can He not be powerful enough to turn my mistakes around? And He will provide sufficient grace for me to deal with the consequences. Nothing is bigger than My God!
12 nov 2010 - God's promise
Received God's faith and confidence that He is a God of restoration and if I only dare to believe it, He would reconcile and restore my relationship with Toulia.
Whatever that He gives me, He provides for.
He gave me the house in Singapore and has been providing for it.
He gave me the house in Rhodes and has been providing for it, despite my fears and circumstances.
So it would be no different with this relationship. Daddy God gave me this relationship. He will provide for it. Regardless of what I see now and what I and what has happened. He will provide for it. So there's nothing for me to worry about.
My trust is in God! And He will bring things to pass in His time.
I don't have to go about feeling sorry and upset for the mistakes I made.
God has already forgiven me. Why should I hold on to it and be hard on myself when the One and Only Almighty God is not being hard on me?
I know it looks impossible but I truly believe that with God, anything is possible!
I am not going to live my life restricted by the mistakes that I made and feeling sorry about myself for the mistakes I made.
Whatever that He gives me, He provides for.
He gave me the house in Singapore and has been providing for it.
He gave me the house in Rhodes and has been providing for it, despite my fears and circumstances.
So it would be no different with this relationship. Daddy God gave me this relationship. He will provide for it. Regardless of what I see now and what I and what has happened. He will provide for it. So there's nothing for me to worry about.
My trust is in God! And He will bring things to pass in His time.
I don't have to go about feeling sorry and upset for the mistakes I made.
God has already forgiven me. Why should I hold on to it and be hard on myself when the One and Only Almighty God is not being hard on me?
I know it looks impossible but I truly believe that with God, anything is possible!
I am not going to live my life restricted by the mistakes that I made and feeling sorry about myself for the mistakes I made.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
3 Dec 2010 - Reminders
Had a lovely night last night. Couldnt have been better. Yet still feel empty. Guess I wanted to spend it with someone special. But honestly, material needs and emotional needs wise, i had everything that i asked for or could ask for.
I AM blessed. I cant think of anything else that God hasnt given me or provided. I am content. Yet still i feel empty. For a moment, I was wondering if it was cos i had no one special in my life. And it might well be so. But i think i need to let go of that thought, otherwise i'm never going to feel happy and complete and filled until someone comes in and that's really unhealthy. :(
help! Daddy God...
I AM blessed. I cant think of anything else that God hasnt given me or provided. I am content. Yet still i feel empty. For a moment, I was wondering if it was cos i had no one special in my life. And it might well be so. But i think i need to let go of that thought, otherwise i'm never going to feel happy and complete and filled until someone comes in and that's really unhealthy. :(
help! Daddy God...
Monday, November 29, 2010
30 Nov 2010 - mistaken identity or rather.... mistake
I am such a kluts...
now i am told that he was never at the birthday. how silly.
sigh... it must have been another event that they had and he was there cos he is in simon's cg.
oh what the hell... wild goose's chase...
for me anyways..
no wonder Daddy was asking me why i am so downcast..
lol
its not Him but me!
geesh... and i thought i know it all..
silly.... trusting in what i see and in myself rather than God.
what kind of a smart decision is that? far from smart... :(
now i am told that he was never at the birthday. how silly.
sigh... it must have been another event that they had and he was there cos he is in simon's cg.
oh what the hell... wild goose's chase...
for me anyways..
no wonder Daddy was asking me why i am so downcast..
lol
its not Him but me!
geesh... and i thought i know it all..
silly.... trusting in what i see and in myself rather than God.
what kind of a smart decision is that? far from smart... :(
30 Nov 2010 - God is funny
Daddy God sure is funny. Sometimes I really dont know what He is trying to tell me.
First, He sets me free by reminding me that in a relationship, it is what I bring into it, not what I can get out of it. It was something I had forgotten after I met Toulia.
Then He lifts me up by reminding me that my worth in His eyes are already redeemed by Christ. And there's nothing that I need to do to redeem my worth.
And He answers my question about purpose of life by telling me that it is not who I attract but Whom I affect and How I affect them that means more than anything in my life.
But next He also shows me that He separated me and Toulia and is keeping us apart. lol.... this is hilarious.
And now that I dont feel as "high" as in the morning, He asks me:-
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour...."
Psalm 42:5
hahaha....
He shows me what He is doing and He asks me why I am downcast? lol
anyways, He has said to put my hope in God, so well, that's what I'll do - Put my trust in God. :)
And yes I WILL praise Him!
Regardless of my outcomes.
My purpose in life is to add value to the life of others right? :D
So that's what i'll focus on. :)
Cos I want to affect people and affect them positively, so that they are lifted and moved forward. :)
First, He sets me free by reminding me that in a relationship, it is what I bring into it, not what I can get out of it. It was something I had forgotten after I met Toulia.
Then He lifts me up by reminding me that my worth in His eyes are already redeemed by Christ. And there's nothing that I need to do to redeem my worth.
And He answers my question about purpose of life by telling me that it is not who I attract but Whom I affect and How I affect them that means more than anything in my life.
But next He also shows me that He separated me and Toulia and is keeping us apart. lol.... this is hilarious.
And now that I dont feel as "high" as in the morning, He asks me:-
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour...."
Psalm 42:5
hahaha....
He shows me what He is doing and He asks me why I am downcast? lol
anyways, He has said to put my hope in God, so well, that's what I'll do - Put my trust in God. :)
And yes I WILL praise Him!
Regardless of my outcomes.
My purpose in life is to add value to the life of others right? :D
So that's what i'll focus on. :)
Cos I want to affect people and affect them positively, so that they are lifted and moved forward. :)
30 Nvo 2010 - the answer is clear
the answer is clear. I am not ready to see toulia yet and God has made sure that its that way.
I was supposed to go to Wanhei's bday party at star city. But Diana decided to have our Christmas party that same faithful night.
I also decided not to head to star city to catch up with them all.
Now (a week later) i see wanhei's photos and realised that toulia was there at the party.
I dont know what to think.
perhaps it was good that i was not there. i would not have been in the space to be in his pressence.
and perhaps i am reading wrongly into everything. cos i think that God knew and orchestrated the separation.
I was too tired. if not, i would have turned up after christmas dinner. and i would have run into him.
which is a better choice, i dont know. but i do know that God didnt want us to meet.
I was supposed to go to Wanhei's bday party at star city. But Diana decided to have our Christmas party that same faithful night.
I also decided not to head to star city to catch up with them all.
Now (a week later) i see wanhei's photos and realised that toulia was there at the party.
I dont know what to think.
perhaps it was good that i was not there. i would not have been in the space to be in his pressence.
and perhaps i am reading wrongly into everything. cos i think that God knew and orchestrated the separation.
I was too tired. if not, i would have turned up after christmas dinner. and i would have run into him.
which is a better choice, i dont know. but i do know that God didnt want us to meet.
30 Nov 2010 - Revelation!
Suddenly had a few thoughts dawn on me after reading something last night.
Read Prov 15 - NIV & Message version. was caught by the following verses
- v1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
(A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.)
- v13 A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day
And this book:-
- Life does not consist of those who make me feel I count. It consists of how much value I add to the life of others.
- My worth is not determined by who I attract, rather by WHOM I affect and HOW I affect them.
- My worth through God's eyes has already been determined. In His eyes I am priceless. There is nothing on earth that can match my worth. That's why Jesus had to come and suffer and die for me. Now I have the awesome responsibility of redeeming my worth here on earth by glorifying God (by contributing to others)
And suddenly I remember who I am. the mentality and attitudes that I had before i met toulia!
When I prayed for someone then, it was for someone whom I can contribute to.
But along the way, it became so selfish. And it was all about how I am not being fulfilled.
So peace settled in, and I am filled with energy and joy again.
Cos once again I see the value and purpose of my life. And if I am not contributing to a person, I would rather not be in the person's life/space so that someone else who can can be in that space. :)
Strongly believe that if i am able to hold on to this revelation that I have received, my entire world will change. Nothing will get to me. :)
Read Prov 15 - NIV & Message version. was caught by the following verses
- v1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
(A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.)
- v13 A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day
And this book:-
- Life does not consist of those who make me feel I count. It consists of how much value I add to the life of others.
- My worth is not determined by who I attract, rather by WHOM I affect and HOW I affect them.
- My worth through God's eyes has already been determined. In His eyes I am priceless. There is nothing on earth that can match my worth. That's why Jesus had to come and suffer and die for me. Now I have the awesome responsibility of redeeming my worth here on earth by glorifying God (by contributing to others)
And suddenly I remember who I am. the mentality and attitudes that I had before i met toulia!
When I prayed for someone then, it was for someone whom I can contribute to.
But along the way, it became so selfish. And it was all about how I am not being fulfilled.
So peace settled in, and I am filled with energy and joy again.
Cos once again I see the value and purpose of my life. And if I am not contributing to a person, I would rather not be in the person's life/space so that someone else who can can be in that space. :)
Strongly believe that if i am able to hold on to this revelation that I have received, my entire world will change. Nothing will get to me. :)
Friday, November 26, 2010
27 Nov 2010 - depressed
Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide. No one to turn to, no one to find.
i just feel so depressed that i dont know what to do.
cant stop crying.
its not good being depressed yet i cant help feeling so down.
i think i still cant believe that toulia and i have broken up. i'm still in denial that he could actually just walk out and walk away and not talk to me about it. there was no discussion, no explanation. just a decision. so cold, so hard.
i know so much. yet i have so little revelation. i am such a wreck.
someone help me...
if not for my family, i am so tempted to end my life. everything that i do is just so... tasteless.... i just cant enjoy myself ....
just because of a guy... how can that be? that's ridiculous...
i just feel so depressed that i dont know what to do.
cant stop crying.
its not good being depressed yet i cant help feeling so down.
i think i still cant believe that toulia and i have broken up. i'm still in denial that he could actually just walk out and walk away and not talk to me about it. there was no discussion, no explanation. just a decision. so cold, so hard.
i know so much. yet i have so little revelation. i am such a wreck.
someone help me...
if not for my family, i am so tempted to end my life. everything that i do is just so... tasteless.... i just cant enjoy myself ....
just because of a guy... how can that be? that's ridiculous...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
25 Nov 2010 - Upset
Feeling upset n down again.
When will I get out of this?
Is it really the food that's affecting me? Or the hormones during my monthly cycle? Or is it just me?
Can't help but feel depressed. Have been having dreams bout toulia. The pain is still around. I've pretty much gotten used to not having someone. But the pain still lingers.
Help me God!
Little things that people say get to me. Help me Daddy!
I don't like being like this yet I don't know how to change. I've tried many times but not succeeded.
I need You to get to the bottom of this so that I can be free of it's grip. Jesus came so that I can be free and I want to be free Daddy.
I really need to get over this. The anger, the depression, the need for someone. All of it.
Help!
When will I get out of this?
Is it really the food that's affecting me? Or the hormones during my monthly cycle? Or is it just me?
Can't help but feel depressed. Have been having dreams bout toulia. The pain is still around. I've pretty much gotten used to not having someone. But the pain still lingers.
Help me God!
Little things that people say get to me. Help me Daddy!
I don't like being like this yet I don't know how to change. I've tried many times but not succeeded.
I need You to get to the bottom of this so that I can be free of it's grip. Jesus came so that I can be free and I want to be free Daddy.
I really need to get over this. The anger, the depression, the need for someone. All of it.
Help!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
18 Nov 2010 - Renewed
After crying for almost an entire day, my tears have been spent. The heartache's also gone away.
And my trust in God is renewed.
I didn't understand why God brought toulia into my life. And I can't accept why toulia left. I also don't understand why God allowed me to experience all the pains in my life.
But I do know that everything that I have experienced in life has made me stronger. God causing me to turn toward Him has also given me more faith. And it is no longer empty faith.
Knowing and trusting that God is in charge and He is aware of everything that's happening in my life, I feel safer and more secure.
I don't feel as though I have to sort all the issues out myself. Cos God is doing it for me. I just have to be willing. And I am willing.
Walking past the wedding boutique, I felt like God was poking fun at me. Cos He knows I want to get married dearly. And meeting Andrew klux who has a love for racing felt like another poke in the rib. So different from the God that I thought I knew who was serious, loving, gentle, kind, tender hearted.
I guess God wanted me to lighten up.
Thankfully this time round my brain didn't go into analysis paralysis and think and wonder if it was a message from God regarding toulia.
Bring able to have fun and joke with God is really awesome! Having cried in His pressence the entire day and having Him said nothing to stop me from crying accept allow me to pour all my sorrows out to Him was so loving! Such a privilege!
Boy do I enjoy time with Daddy. And finding out more and more ways where He is with me is just nothing but awesome!
I'm so thankful for God loving me!
And my trust in God is renewed.
I didn't understand why God brought toulia into my life. And I can't accept why toulia left. I also don't understand why God allowed me to experience all the pains in my life.
But I do know that everything that I have experienced in life has made me stronger. God causing me to turn toward Him has also given me more faith. And it is no longer empty faith.
Knowing and trusting that God is in charge and He is aware of everything that's happening in my life, I feel safer and more secure.
I don't feel as though I have to sort all the issues out myself. Cos God is doing it for me. I just have to be willing. And I am willing.
Walking past the wedding boutique, I felt like God was poking fun at me. Cos He knows I want to get married dearly. And meeting Andrew klux who has a love for racing felt like another poke in the rib. So different from the God that I thought I knew who was serious, loving, gentle, kind, tender hearted.
I guess God wanted me to lighten up.
Thankfully this time round my brain didn't go into analysis paralysis and think and wonder if it was a message from God regarding toulia.
Bring able to have fun and joke with God is really awesome! Having cried in His pressence the entire day and having Him said nothing to stop me from crying accept allow me to pour all my sorrows out to Him was so loving! Such a privilege!
Boy do I enjoy time with Daddy. And finding out more and more ways where He is with me is just nothing but awesome!
I'm so thankful for God loving me!
18 Nov 2010 - Still Hurting
Who am I lying to? I am still hurting. Yet I communicate to others that I m getting better. That I am copin. N Gos has just showed me that I am not. So no amount of brainwash telling myself that I trust Him that I know He has great plans for me will keep the pain away.
What am I crying for? I duno. I just know it hurts. After so long it still hurts. It's painful.
Daddy what should I do?
I'm losing the will to live. If You don't live my life for me I'm going to just waste away. Daddy You must do something please. I really can't bear this pain any further. Heal me. Take away my pains Daddy.
Why does it hurt so much? And after so long too? Why does it hurt so much?
What am I crying for? I duno. I just know it hurts. After so long it still hurts. It's painful.
Daddy what should I do?
I'm losing the will to live. If You don't live my life for me I'm going to just waste away. Daddy You must do something please. I really can't bear this pain any further. Heal me. Take away my pains Daddy.
Why does it hurt so much? And after so long too? Why does it hurt so much?
10 Nov 2010 - Still thinking
Daddy, what is happening to me? Y am I questioning life so much? Y am I questioning everything so much?
With all the questions that I ask I still can't find any answers. What do I do? Can you please show me - what life is all about?
I attend courses, listen to preaching and everyone say that life is bout relationships. But the world says otherwise. The world focuses on the material things that u have given us. The world says that life is about success. And success is the name or status that we have accomplished or the assets that we have amassed.
But Daddy God, that is so empty. It is so meaningless.
So show me Daddy- how do I live my life?! What do I look for? What do I seek? What does it mean to seek Your kingdom?
Daddy show me - what plans You have for me! What do You want me to do? How do You want me to live my life so it is not empty?!
:(
With all the questions that I ask I still can't find any answers. What do I do? Can you please show me - what life is all about?
I attend courses, listen to preaching and everyone say that life is bout relationships. But the world says otherwise. The world focuses on the material things that u have given us. The world says that life is about success. And success is the name or status that we have accomplished or the assets that we have amassed.
But Daddy God, that is so empty. It is so meaningless.
So show me Daddy- how do I live my life?! What do I look for? What do I seek? What does it mean to seek Your kingdom?
Daddy show me - what plans You have for me! What do You want me to do? How do You want me to live my life so it is not empty?!
:(
Sunday, November 7, 2010
7 nov 2010 - letting go
I decided that I will not let my emotions and feelings hold me back. They've done enough harm for sometime already. I refuse to live under the master of my emotions.
My God is good. My God is great. He is the controller of the universe He created. He is responsible for my life.
I put my trust in Him and no one else.
I know I still love toulia. But the memories of him and the time we spent together is just too painful for me so I have decided to let him go. I will not hold on to anything about him anymore.
I know my worth. He is a good man. So am I. If he is unable to see past a mistake I made, a weakness I have and holds it against me, then it is his loss. He is not worth my time. He is not worth me remembering and hoping for.
I know that I am good enough for him. I know that I am good for him, to help him and support him through the tough times. If he cannot see through all of that then it's useless cos he can't see the person that I am and appreciate me.
My God is good. My God is great. He is the controller of the universe He created. He is responsible for my life.
I put my trust in Him and no one else.
I know I still love toulia. But the memories of him and the time we spent together is just too painful for me so I have decided to let him go. I will not hold on to anything about him anymore.
I know my worth. He is a good man. So am I. If he is unable to see past a mistake I made, a weakness I have and holds it against me, then it is his loss. He is not worth my time. He is not worth me remembering and hoping for.
I know that I am good enough for him. I know that I am good for him, to help him and support him through the tough times. If he cannot see through all of that then it's useless cos he can't see the person that I am and appreciate me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
31 oct 2010 - small
Looking at the vast population of Sydney I can't help but feel small. So tiny and small that I'm insignificant.
Lead me by Sanctus Real and Simon's comments bout how his life changed cos he is married only brings tears to my eyes and an aching to my heart.
I wonder for how long more will I be broken hearted. I feel so lonely amidst this ocean of people.
I question the nature of relationships. Why are we people all getting together to form families and children? What propells us? What motivates us? Is it cos we r lonely? Is it cos everyone is doing it?
Most importantly, why do I want it? Why does 1 sentence by him cause so much heartache? Why does his denial of my desire to be married to him tear me apart so much? Why did it cause such a big hole in my heart? Why is it still causing so much pain after so long?
Is it cos of what I think it says about me? Cos his actions and his one sentence seem to say a thousand words? That I am not worthy? That I am not wanted? That I am of no worth and value to him. Is that what hurts? The rejection?
And do I miss him so much and yearn for him cos he rejected me? Or is it cos we were truly God's match?
Too many unanswered questions. Too little answers. I jus want the pain to go away. I jus want to stop feeling my heart at my throat whenever someone talks about marriage and engagement and babies.
Though I hurt, I don't know what to say to those around me. I don't want to burden them with my pain. Lord I don't know what to do. Help me.
Lead me by Sanctus Real and Simon's comments bout how his life changed cos he is married only brings tears to my eyes and an aching to my heart.
I wonder for how long more will I be broken hearted. I feel so lonely amidst this ocean of people.
I question the nature of relationships. Why are we people all getting together to form families and children? What propells us? What motivates us? Is it cos we r lonely? Is it cos everyone is doing it?
Most importantly, why do I want it? Why does 1 sentence by him cause so much heartache? Why does his denial of my desire to be married to him tear me apart so much? Why did it cause such a big hole in my heart? Why is it still causing so much pain after so long?
Is it cos of what I think it says about me? Cos his actions and his one sentence seem to say a thousand words? That I am not worthy? That I am not wanted? That I am of no worth and value to him. Is that what hurts? The rejection?
And do I miss him so much and yearn for him cos he rejected me? Or is it cos we were truly God's match?
Too many unanswered questions. Too little answers. I jus want the pain to go away. I jus want to stop feeling my heart at my throat whenever someone talks about marriage and engagement and babies.
Though I hurt, I don't know what to say to those around me. I don't want to burden them with my pain. Lord I don't know what to do. Help me.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
31 oct 2010 - small
Looking at the vast population of Sydney I can't help but feel small. So tiny and small that I'm insignificant.
Lead me by Sanctus Real and Simon's comments bout how his life changed cos he is married only brings tears to my eyes and an aching to my heart.
I wonder for how long more will I be broken hearted. I feel so lonely amidst this ocean of people.
I question the nature of relationships. Why are we people all getting together to form families and children? What propells us? What motivates us? Is it cos we r lonely? Is it cos everyone is doing it?
Most importantly, why do I want it? Why does 1 sentence by him cause so much heartache? Why does his denial of my desire to be married to him tear me apart so much? Why did it cause such a big hole in my heart? Why is it still causing so much pain after so long?
Is it cos of what I think it says about me? Cos his actions and his one sentence seem to say a thousand words? That I am not worthy? That I am not wanted? That I am of no worth and value to him. Is that what hurts? The rejection?
And do I miss him so much and yearn for him cos he rejected me? Or is it cos we were truly God's match?
Too many unanswered questions. Too little answers. I jus want the pain to go away. I jus want to stop feeling my heart at my throat whenever someone talks about marriage and engagement and babies.
Though I hurt, I don't know what to say to those around me. I don't want to burden them with my pain. Lord I don't know what to do. Help me.
Minah said he has alot to learn. An I dun care. That's his journey with God. Not mine. He's hurt me n I dun wana know him anymore. I jus wana forget him. I can't think or see past my current days. N it's a daily struggle not to find someone to take the place. To fill the gap. I know it would be easier. But it will not make me better in the long run. I won't be healed n whole. N that would affect my future generation. N I dun want that to happen.
I need patience n I have to persevere. I cannot let the devil get the better of me n steal the privileged relationship with God.
Lead me by Sanctus Real and Simon's comments bout how his life changed cos he is married only brings tears to my eyes and an aching to my heart.
I wonder for how long more will I be broken hearted. I feel so lonely amidst this ocean of people.
I question the nature of relationships. Why are we people all getting together to form families and children? What propells us? What motivates us? Is it cos we r lonely? Is it cos everyone is doing it?
Most importantly, why do I want it? Why does 1 sentence by him cause so much heartache? Why does his denial of my desire to be married to him tear me apart so much? Why did it cause such a big hole in my heart? Why is it still causing so much pain after so long?
Is it cos of what I think it says about me? Cos his actions and his one sentence seem to say a thousand words? That I am not worthy? That I am not wanted? That I am of no worth and value to him. Is that what hurts? The rejection?
And do I miss him so much and yearn for him cos he rejected me? Or is it cos we were truly God's match?
Too many unanswered questions. Too little answers. I jus want the pain to go away. I jus want to stop feeling my heart at my throat whenever someone talks about marriage and engagement and babies.
Though I hurt, I don't know what to say to those around me. I don't want to burden them with my pain. Lord I don't know what to do. Help me.
Minah said he has alot to learn. An I dun care. That's his journey with God. Not mine. He's hurt me n I dun wana know him anymore. I jus wana forget him. I can't think or see past my current days. N it's a daily struggle not to find someone to take the place. To fill the gap. I know it would be easier. But it will not make me better in the long run. I won't be healed n whole. N that would affect my future generation. N I dun want that to happen.
I need patience n I have to persevere. I cannot let the devil get the better of me n steal the privileged relationship with God.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
30 Oct 2010 - Indescribable
For whatever reason, spend the day crying - whilst swimming, at the park for Andrew's bday, and at church worship. Was just aching so badly. For some reason I was just hurting. I dont even know over what. The dull ache is still there.
If not for God, I dont think I would be alive. I would not have the courage to wake up. I cannot find the purpose for my being alive. For some reason its just hurting really badly. But I dont know.
But my life is not mine to take. Its God's. Jesus paid for it with His life.
I really wish that the pain would go away. I wish God would show me what His plan is for me on this earth.
If not for God, I dont think I would be alive. I would not have the courage to wake up. I cannot find the purpose for my being alive. For some reason its just hurting really badly. But I dont know.
But my life is not mine to take. Its God's. Jesus paid for it with His life.
I really wish that the pain would go away. I wish God would show me what His plan is for me on this earth.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
20 Oct 2010 - coincidence or sign from God or too much mentalising?
Its been happening for awhile. However I am unable to tell if it is a sign from God or just a coincidence (although I hardly believe in coincidence) or i'm just analysing things too much.
each and every time I run into Toulia or see his name somewhere or have a message that seems to be encouraging me to hold on, I had just been praying about my situation with him and crying out to God.
I honestly want to believe that it is from God, however cos I want it so bad, I have difficulty believing that it is from God. Cos I know that it could mean nothing (although if I have not mistaken, all things happen for a reason. There are no coincidences with God).
When I prayed about whether to wish him Happy Birthday or not, I end up sitting 2 seats away from him. And then he disappears for a long time.
Next I am upset and in the toilet and just telling God that I trust Him and although I cant see anything happening and I'll give up on toulia and not bother, I run into him in the garage.
And today, I am feeling upset again. I know that I am slowly forgetting him. Not that its a bad thing. But i still wish so badly that things were not the way they are. And I tell God that regardless of what I see, I trust Him, that He has a plan for me. and that's what matters. and then i take a paper bag that has a note and toulia's name is on it. it is addressed to him.
It could really be nothing. just coincidence cos his things are around. but it is really too much of a coincidence. At the same time, I find it hard to believe that after so long, God is still saying that toulia is who He has in mind for me and asking me not to stop believing!
I mean, seriously! It is pointless telling me that if the guy whom I am told that he is the one I will spend my life with, if he does not believe it, he does not hear it and is not sensitive to what God is telling him! It is ridiculous that I am hearing a different message from what he is receiving! this is ridiculous! so who IS listening to God?!
:_(
I am really struggling. :(
there's alot in my life now that I dont want it to be that way.
- the way i am
- how i get angry or rather how i respond when i am angry
- how i communicate or rather the lack of it or my inability to communicate how i feel and where i am at and what i need.
i want it all to get better. i want to grow. and i know i have grown. yet it is just not enough. i am still so useless. there are so many things that i still just cannot do right!
If not for God, if not for His grace and mercy, I dont think I can amount to anything!
I feel peace, yet I feel turmoil. I dont know what to do.
I want to do something, yet I dont want to do something.
There are just so many conflicting emotions I just dont know what to do.
I am afraid of going ahead and just doing some things cos i might just be getting ahead of myself. :(
yet i am afraid that if i dont do it now, i might just forget!
basically, i want everything!
I want to be perfect i think!
i think that's the problem!
:(
oh wells.... there goes another negative thought. need 10 positive thoughts to cast that one out! :P
each and every time I run into Toulia or see his name somewhere or have a message that seems to be encouraging me to hold on, I had just been praying about my situation with him and crying out to God.
I honestly want to believe that it is from God, however cos I want it so bad, I have difficulty believing that it is from God. Cos I know that it could mean nothing (although if I have not mistaken, all things happen for a reason. There are no coincidences with God).
When I prayed about whether to wish him Happy Birthday or not, I end up sitting 2 seats away from him. And then he disappears for a long time.
Next I am upset and in the toilet and just telling God that I trust Him and although I cant see anything happening and I'll give up on toulia and not bother, I run into him in the garage.
And today, I am feeling upset again. I know that I am slowly forgetting him. Not that its a bad thing. But i still wish so badly that things were not the way they are. And I tell God that regardless of what I see, I trust Him, that He has a plan for me. and that's what matters. and then i take a paper bag that has a note and toulia's name is on it. it is addressed to him.
It could really be nothing. just coincidence cos his things are around. but it is really too much of a coincidence. At the same time, I find it hard to believe that after so long, God is still saying that toulia is who He has in mind for me and asking me not to stop believing!
I mean, seriously! It is pointless telling me that if the guy whom I am told that he is the one I will spend my life with, if he does not believe it, he does not hear it and is not sensitive to what God is telling him! It is ridiculous that I am hearing a different message from what he is receiving! this is ridiculous! so who IS listening to God?!
:_(
I am really struggling. :(
there's alot in my life now that I dont want it to be that way.
- the way i am
- how i get angry or rather how i respond when i am angry
- how i communicate or rather the lack of it or my inability to communicate how i feel and where i am at and what i need.
i want it all to get better. i want to grow. and i know i have grown. yet it is just not enough. i am still so useless. there are so many things that i still just cannot do right!
If not for God, if not for His grace and mercy, I dont think I can amount to anything!
I feel peace, yet I feel turmoil. I dont know what to do.
I want to do something, yet I dont want to do something.
There are just so many conflicting emotions I just dont know what to do.
I am afraid of going ahead and just doing some things cos i might just be getting ahead of myself. :(
yet i am afraid that if i dont do it now, i might just forget!
basically, i want everything!
I want to be perfect i think!
i think that's the problem!
:(
oh wells.... there goes another negative thought. need 10 positive thoughts to cast that one out! :P
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
12 Oct 2010 - Angry
Once again, as I suspect the promptings of the Holy Spirit, again I suffer the consequences. How in the world did I think that I would be able to put up with Andrew? We are just too different. Sounds like toulia telling me that.
But for now, focus is Andrew. Really pissed me off.
What was the point of him asking me to think about being a pastor when it was not in his intentions to ask me to consider being a pastor? wth....
Just doesnt make sense. What's the point of asking me to think about it? Food for thought? And after the whole going around in circles and asking me a whole lot of questions, he tells me he never thought of asking me to be a pastor.
what? am i that easy to be made a fool of?
Selah
God! If there is something that You want to tell me, I'm sorry I have not been able to get it through Andrew. Please show me as I read your word what it is that You wanted to tell me. Please stop making a fool of me. Please do not speak through Andrew any longer.
All I see in that dude is immaturity, a passion to challenge others and childishness. He thinks that what he says and do is right. That he is the most humble. That he is the most mature and it is just the total opposite!
Cant he see that he needs to change? Cant he see that the whole world is watching him? The world wants us to trip and fall. And fail. But I know that You wont allow that to happen. You have Your angels positioned all around us to lift us up in the incident that we should fall. But for how long is he going to be the way he is? Till he sees the error of his ways?
I am done trying to say anything to him, if that was your purpose - to use me as a messenger. And if You were using him as a messenger, he is not a very good one. He has caused me more grief that bring the message to me. Lord please speak to me in Your still small voice. And then through Your words from the bible. These are my most trustworthy sources. Although I do not want to limit You, please do NOT use Andrew any more.
I am really upset. And if there was any message that You wanted me to get, I am not getting it.
God save me. God help me. God deliver me from these emotions of mine.
I am so upset. I want to cry. I am so angry. I am just infuriated.
I dont know what to say.
I spent an evening with someone who at the end of the day drove me up the wall. And i dont even feel good about it. The food was nice but I feel fat. I could have stayed at home and had a easy dinner. cleaned up the garage and taken annie's mom to the spa. that would have been so much more fulfilling.
Why? oh why? did I have to choose to have dinner with Andrew? And let him drive me up the wall? And made the meal feel so shitty. Why oh why?
How can I be so silly?
I need to be more sensitive to the voice of the holy spirit!
God help me!
But for now, focus is Andrew. Really pissed me off.
What was the point of him asking me to think about being a pastor when it was not in his intentions to ask me to consider being a pastor? wth....
Just doesnt make sense. What's the point of asking me to think about it? Food for thought? And after the whole going around in circles and asking me a whole lot of questions, he tells me he never thought of asking me to be a pastor.
what? am i that easy to be made a fool of?
Selah
God! If there is something that You want to tell me, I'm sorry I have not been able to get it through Andrew. Please show me as I read your word what it is that You wanted to tell me. Please stop making a fool of me. Please do not speak through Andrew any longer.
All I see in that dude is immaturity, a passion to challenge others and childishness. He thinks that what he says and do is right. That he is the most humble. That he is the most mature and it is just the total opposite!
Cant he see that he needs to change? Cant he see that the whole world is watching him? The world wants us to trip and fall. And fail. But I know that You wont allow that to happen. You have Your angels positioned all around us to lift us up in the incident that we should fall. But for how long is he going to be the way he is? Till he sees the error of his ways?
I am done trying to say anything to him, if that was your purpose - to use me as a messenger. And if You were using him as a messenger, he is not a very good one. He has caused me more grief that bring the message to me. Lord please speak to me in Your still small voice. And then through Your words from the bible. These are my most trustworthy sources. Although I do not want to limit You, please do NOT use Andrew any more.
I am really upset. And if there was any message that You wanted me to get, I am not getting it.
God save me. God help me. God deliver me from these emotions of mine.
I am so upset. I want to cry. I am so angry. I am just infuriated.
I dont know what to say.
I spent an evening with someone who at the end of the day drove me up the wall. And i dont even feel good about it. The food was nice but I feel fat. I could have stayed at home and had a easy dinner. cleaned up the garage and taken annie's mom to the spa. that would have been so much more fulfilling.
Why? oh why? did I have to choose to have dinner with Andrew? And let him drive me up the wall? And made the meal feel so shitty. Why oh why?
How can I be so silly?
I need to be more sensitive to the voice of the holy spirit!
God help me!
Monday, October 11, 2010
12 Oct 2010 - tender heart
I dont know what happened.
Reading Andrew's email and being aware of my behaviour last night has just created a tender spot at the place where my heart is. I dont know why.
Perhaps, having that revelation of my behaviour shed some light as to why I have commonly felt misunderstood. And also removed the bandage over the wound that I have. It is no longer an open wound bandaged up, but a wound uncovered, cleaned and healing.
I can see more and more that God is changing me. No doubt I am feeling very emotional. However I can see the changes. He is showing me who He made me. Not who I have become.
Through His love, His work, He is changing me.
I can see His tenderness working through me. He has softened me as a person.
He is causing me to lean on Him more than on people, to depend on Him and trust Him rather than people. (not that people are not trustworthy. well, in many ways we are cos we are flawed)
He is causing me to experience what love really is and not the selfish, self-centered way the world has taught it to me or portrayed it.
He is teaching me to trust in Him.
He is teaching me to look at the blessings He has given me (such as the friends I have, the job I have, the life that I am breathing.
He has showed me and caused me to understand that my life is not mine but His. Jesus exchanged His life for me! So my life is not mine!
As much as my heart is tender it feels sore, I feel light and joyous too.
And I am happy that I feel that way. :)
Reading Andrew's email and being aware of my behaviour last night has just created a tender spot at the place where my heart is. I dont know why.
Perhaps, having that revelation of my behaviour shed some light as to why I have commonly felt misunderstood. And also removed the bandage over the wound that I have. It is no longer an open wound bandaged up, but a wound uncovered, cleaned and healing.
I can see more and more that God is changing me. No doubt I am feeling very emotional. However I can see the changes. He is showing me who He made me. Not who I have become.
Through His love, His work, He is changing me.
I can see His tenderness working through me. He has softened me as a person.
He is causing me to lean on Him more than on people, to depend on Him and trust Him rather than people. (not that people are not trustworthy. well, in many ways we are cos we are flawed)
He is causing me to experience what love really is and not the selfish, self-centered way the world has taught it to me or portrayed it.
He is teaching me to trust in Him.
He is teaching me to look at the blessings He has given me (such as the friends I have, the job I have, the life that I am breathing.
He has showed me and caused me to understand that my life is not mine but His. Jesus exchanged His life for me! So my life is not mine!
As much as my heart is tender it feels sore, I feel light and joyous too.
And I am happy that I feel that way. :)
12 Oct 2010 - Focus
I can see God's hands in my life. I need to be more grateful for the things that He has given me rather than what I dont have. That's what the devil wants me to do - focus on things I dont have!
But what about the things I have?! They are not deserved. They are not my rights. They are still God's gifts to me, His blessings to me. So just because I dont have what I think I should, does that mean I have a right to get angry and upset?
God placed the inner longings within me. He will answer for that. He will be responsible for that. He will bring it to pass. In His time! And He knows best.
So what do I have in my hands?
A possible new job coming up = new things to learn. Exciting!
A new flatmate = new opportunities to share God's love.
An existing flatmate/friend to practice communication.
* Just learnt from her last night that I do not speak honestly of myself and my emotions. That really hurt me. I never knew I did that and always wondered why I was always misunderstood. There are many things that I do that is different from what I say.
A new season of singlehood. This means being able to do what I want to do without thinking of another person.
This means growing up and learning how to socialise better.
I need to focus on 2 areas of my life.
1. Eph 4:26 - Being angry and not sinning.
2. Communication. How to communicate what I am feeling without getting worked up and shooting off rebellious statements.
But what about the things I have?! They are not deserved. They are not my rights. They are still God's gifts to me, His blessings to me. So just because I dont have what I think I should, does that mean I have a right to get angry and upset?
God placed the inner longings within me. He will answer for that. He will be responsible for that. He will bring it to pass. In His time! And He knows best.
So what do I have in my hands?
A possible new job coming up = new things to learn. Exciting!
A new flatmate = new opportunities to share God's love.
An existing flatmate/friend to practice communication.
* Just learnt from her last night that I do not speak honestly of myself and my emotions. That really hurt me. I never knew I did that and always wondered why I was always misunderstood. There are many things that I do that is different from what I say.
A new season of singlehood. This means being able to do what I want to do without thinking of another person.
This means growing up and learning how to socialise better.
I need to focus on 2 areas of my life.
1. Eph 4:26 - Being angry and not sinning.
2. Communication. How to communicate what I am feeling without getting worked up and shooting off rebellious statements.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
11 Oct 2010 - God Loves me!
God loves me and therefore He WILL give me good things only; regardless of how I view what my circumstances look like.
I can see that God has been dealing with me from a long time back. I can see His preparation on hindsight. I bought John Bevere's books in 2007 but have not been able to read it nor had the desire till now. When I first tried reading it, I had issues. I felt condemned. But now things are different. I give God's word more weight although it might not be what I like to hear.
Cos God loves me, He will protect me.
God will bring someone to me. And He is preparing that someone, just as He is preparing me for that someone. I will not focus on what has not happened but the promises that God has for me.
I can see that God has been dealing with me from a long time back. I can see His preparation on hindsight. I bought John Bevere's books in 2007 but have not been able to read it nor had the desire till now. When I first tried reading it, I had issues. I felt condemned. But now things are different. I give God's word more weight although it might not be what I like to hear.
Cos God loves me, He will protect me.
God will bring someone to me. And He is preparing that someone, just as He is preparing me for that someone. I will not focus on what has not happened but the promises that God has for me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
7 Oct 2010 - i really loved him
He was a fool for walking away for I really loved him. Loved him the way he was. Never wanted him to change. Obviously there were things about him that got to me. But then again, who is perfect? I still loved him just as much.
wished that he would have spent more time with me. I know he is in difficult situation. However, still wanted to be his priority. Still wanted to be important enough. And when I did not feel that way, of cos I got upset. I felt taken for granted. I felt unloved.
Obviously I had my issues. I was struggling at work, struggling to adapt to the Australian culture and making new friends and having them love me for who I am. I was struggling with my self-worth. Struggling to see my own value and not base it on how other people had reacted to me or treated me in my life time.
And of cos there were the daily hurdles that everyone else went through in life.
but amidst all of that, I tried to cope. But he never understood. He went off into his own world thinking he was not good enough for me and had to change and couldnt change. he could not give up what he had - his free time and his friends. It was a change for me too. But i dealt with it cos I loved him. spending time with him was more important that spending time with my friends. although i would not make the mistake of neglecting my friends in order to spend time with him. i did not want to give up my life because of him, but i was willing to sacrifice some of it and make some changes.
i guess he was just not up for it.
i really miss him and wished that he would be able to see the light of everything. but its all out of my hands already. it is in God's hands. If God doesnt bring us together again, then it means He thinks that we are not good for each other.
He has been involved in both our lives, from the start of our prayers, to after the split. I believe that He is still invovled, even though I do not see the changes, I do not see the results. I still believe that God is invovled. He will not leave me alone. He will not leave the relationship alone. He will finish what He started and He started on this relationship project, so He will finish it.
I do not know what is going to happen. I do not know if we will be back together. I wish that we would. but that is up to God. If He says no, then I would rather follow what He says cos He knows best and everything He plans is for my good. I will listen and not rebel.
My faith is in Him.
I have been receiving alot of teaching regarding Faith in God, Peace in Jesus and dealing with Storms in my life. I believe there is something that God is showing me. He normally shows me things before they happen. Such as the book and sermon on storms in my life before the real storm happened.
God is good and He has good plans for my life. Plans to prosper me, not to hurt me. Plans that will give me hope for my final outcome.
I will lean in and hold on to that promise!
wished that he would have spent more time with me. I know he is in difficult situation. However, still wanted to be his priority. Still wanted to be important enough. And when I did not feel that way, of cos I got upset. I felt taken for granted. I felt unloved.
Obviously I had my issues. I was struggling at work, struggling to adapt to the Australian culture and making new friends and having them love me for who I am. I was struggling with my self-worth. Struggling to see my own value and not base it on how other people had reacted to me or treated me in my life time.
And of cos there were the daily hurdles that everyone else went through in life.
but amidst all of that, I tried to cope. But he never understood. He went off into his own world thinking he was not good enough for me and had to change and couldnt change. he could not give up what he had - his free time and his friends. It was a change for me too. But i dealt with it cos I loved him. spending time with him was more important that spending time with my friends. although i would not make the mistake of neglecting my friends in order to spend time with him. i did not want to give up my life because of him, but i was willing to sacrifice some of it and make some changes.
i guess he was just not up for it.
i really miss him and wished that he would be able to see the light of everything. but its all out of my hands already. it is in God's hands. If God doesnt bring us together again, then it means He thinks that we are not good for each other.
He has been involved in both our lives, from the start of our prayers, to after the split. I believe that He is still invovled, even though I do not see the changes, I do not see the results. I still believe that God is invovled. He will not leave me alone. He will not leave the relationship alone. He will finish what He started and He started on this relationship project, so He will finish it.
I do not know what is going to happen. I do not know if we will be back together. I wish that we would. but that is up to God. If He says no, then I would rather follow what He says cos He knows best and everything He plans is for my good. I will listen and not rebel.
My faith is in Him.
I have been receiving alot of teaching regarding Faith in God, Peace in Jesus and dealing with Storms in my life. I believe there is something that God is showing me. He normally shows me things before they happen. Such as the book and sermon on storms in my life before the real storm happened.
God is good and He has good plans for my life. Plans to prosper me, not to hurt me. Plans that will give me hope for my final outcome.
I will lean in and hold on to that promise!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
4 oct - calling forth things unseen
I refuse to live my life this way any longer. Pining for someone n not believing that he will come back to me cos of what he said n did.
God is the Almighty one. He created us. He matchmade us. If He thinks that we r good for each other then who are we to say otherwise?!
If He can restore to others marriages n relationships that have been broken n turned away from one another cos of evil and another person then how much more my relationship? It was only guilt n self focus. N God being God always causes us to turn our focus back to Him! N by His mercy n grace we experience freedom. We get a reelation of our sins forgiven! So how much easier to turn his heart back to me?!
But I have to trust God! That He is working onmy behalf nd working things out for me! It is written that He has great plans for me. Plans to prosper me ns nit to harm me. He knows the numer of hairs on my head!
My trust is in God. If I can't trust God then there is no one else whom I can trust. And Jesus came and died for me so I hve direct access to God. N if I can't trust God then Jesus would have died in vain! So I HAVE TO TRUST GOD!
Holy spirit help me! Help me pray to change toulia's heart. That his heart may be soften.
Daddy this is proof/witness to Your goodness. You shall turn things around. I believe that toulia will come back regardless of what he said. Cos You are the Almighty one. Daddy this is proof that Your hand is on our relationship. Had always been n will always be.
You started this so You finish it. The storms are not going to stop You from bringing me to the other side. Holy spirit give me strength n faith to hold on to this.
Amen!
God is the Almighty one. He created us. He matchmade us. If He thinks that we r good for each other then who are we to say otherwise?!
If He can restore to others marriages n relationships that have been broken n turned away from one another cos of evil and another person then how much more my relationship? It was only guilt n self focus. N God being God always causes us to turn our focus back to Him! N by His mercy n grace we experience freedom. We get a reelation of our sins forgiven! So how much easier to turn his heart back to me?!
But I have to trust God! That He is working onmy behalf nd working things out for me! It is written that He has great plans for me. Plans to prosper me ns nit to harm me. He knows the numer of hairs on my head!
My trust is in God. If I can't trust God then there is no one else whom I can trust. And Jesus came and died for me so I hve direct access to God. N if I can't trust God then Jesus would have died in vain! So I HAVE TO TRUST GOD!
Holy spirit help me! Help me pray to change toulia's heart. That his heart may be soften.
Daddy this is proof/witness to Your goodness. You shall turn things around. I believe that toulia will come back regardless of what he said. Cos You are the Almighty one. Daddy this is proof that Your hand is on our relationship. Had always been n will always be.
You started this so You finish it. The storms are not going to stop You from bringing me to the other side. Holy spirit give me strength n faith to hold on to this.
Amen!
4 oct - how long more
I am to wait expectantly n confidently for God to fulfill His promise. Yet my eyes keep focusing on the here n now rather than His promises to me.
How can I be so short sighted to think n believe that God is so small?!?!?! He is the Almighty! Nothing is too difficult for Him. N it's not even a matter of whether He will or not. I do believe He will. He loves me.
It's just the wait that feels so ling that it seems like Daddy God isn't doing anything. What am I thinking of?!?! Of cos God is working only behalf! Why do I think so negatively?! Why can't I enjoy what He has given me? Ight here right now?
Like a good Fren like Minah?
And Annie. She has yet to know who God really is. She has yet to know Jesus!
So why do I keep lookin at what I dun have?! And not what I have?!
I have frens who love me!
I have frens who adore me! Frens who love me n care for me.
I have a roof over my head. I am not homeless. My new home is beautiful and lovely! It has a pool n a gym. Things that I havebeen asking for for a long time.
Why do I ask about my marriage? When I am getting married? Whom I am marrying?!
The Lord knows it best. He knows when I am ready to serve. He knows when my husband is ready to commit. He is the Matchmaker. What do I worry? Why do I worry?!
God is good. God is great! And He has created a beautiful day for me to enjoy!
I am not stayin in this space!
There is so much more that God has given to me. And I am going to enjoyevery single bit of it.
Given that I miss him n wish we were still together. But he has chosen to leave n if he is so perfect n God only gives me thebest then how much better would the other person be?!
No more looking at my lack but the abundance that God has given me!
How can I be so short sighted to think n believe that God is so small?!?!?! He is the Almighty! Nothing is too difficult for Him. N it's not even a matter of whether He will or not. I do believe He will. He loves me.
It's just the wait that feels so ling that it seems like Daddy God isn't doing anything. What am I thinking of?!?! Of cos God is working only behalf! Why do I think so negatively?! Why can't I enjoy what He has given me? Ight here right now?
Like a good Fren like Minah?
And Annie. She has yet to know who God really is. She has yet to know Jesus!
So why do I keep lookin at what I dun have?! And not what I have?!
I have frens who love me!
I have frens who adore me! Frens who love me n care for me.
I have a roof over my head. I am not homeless. My new home is beautiful and lovely! It has a pool n a gym. Things that I havebeen asking for for a long time.
Why do I ask about my marriage? When I am getting married? Whom I am marrying?!
The Lord knows it best. He knows when I am ready to serve. He knows when my husband is ready to commit. He is the Matchmaker. What do I worry? Why do I worry?!
God is good. God is great! And He has created a beautiful day for me to enjoy!
I am not stayin in this space!
There is so much more that God has given to me. And I am going to enjoyevery single bit of it.
Given that I miss him n wish we were still together. But he has chosen to leave n if he is so perfect n God only gives me thebest then how much better would the other person be?!
No more looking at my lack but the abundance that God has given me!
27 sept - frens n loneliness
Toulia doesn't know what it's like to not have frens. He's lived here all his life. My moving here = leaving my family n frens back in sg. I have no one else here.
Daddy didn't u tell him bout how I feel?that I was not coping?
What do I do Lord? All the frens that I make here r mostly going to be frens for a season. Like Minah n Andrew n even Emily.
Only Bernard n his family is stable n plans r to stay here. So is hardy. All the young ones I hang out with duno when they'll leave. They all seem to here for a season only.
It's difficult. But no one knows what I go thru except Jesus.
Why did I make the choices I made?
Daddy didn't u tell him bout how I feel?that I was not coping?
What do I do Lord? All the frens that I make here r mostly going to be frens for a season. Like Minah n Andrew n even Emily.
Only Bernard n his family is stable n plans r to stay here. So is hardy. All the young ones I hang out with duno when they'll leave. They all seem to here for a season only.
It's difficult. But no one knows what I go thru except Jesus.
Why did I make the choices I made?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
26 sept 2010 morn - clarity
I'm glad I had a chat with Minah and I'm thanful that she understands and has not taken things personally. At least that's what I hope for. I still have the issue to deal with. The pain, the hurt. But I know that God is good and He will deliver me. He will heal me.
Still wana take the drive alone. Not sure if I can get to take tue off. Would be lovely if I could take 2 days as Danny had promised. But well we'll see how it goes when the others get back. I'm getting unshameful un getting "rewarded" by Diana. It's definitely not what I've done. I know that fear is driving her. N I dun wana take advantage. But ... Sigh. I've gota pray about it. I'm listening to people more than God and that is Not right. Andrew will be the last I'll ask. He's point of view is very different from most people n I am intrigued. It is interesting. My eyes are opened. I am challenged.
No doubt I am annoyed when he keeps asking me bout Emily. It was a little too much. He is a brother and that is how I need to be able to treat him. Nothing more nothing less. There is lots to be learnt from him. I duno if he'll be in my life as a life Fren but surely for a season. For me to learn off him. I'm sure there is something that he can learn from me too but that's between him and God. There's much to learn for him too. Especially in the area of maturity. I know he thinks he is the most mature person he knows. And I dun deny that he is mature. But there is still alot to learn. Perhaps he knows perhaps he doesn't. But that is his journey. I am but a messenger.
Really wish to see Toulia. Miss him. Kept feeling that I'll meet him somewhere out of church. Out of Sydney. I don't know why. Perhaps that's my way of asking God to confirm if he is the one. Still think he is. But we'll never know will we? Just hope God helps me let him go quickly n easily.
Saw pictures in the phone. Tot I'd ridden everything bout him. But he keeps coming up. I wonder how things are on his side.
Oh Daddy. How I miss him. When will You fill that emptiness up Daddy? Really wish You can come in physical form and give me a hug. Really long for one. I want to feel Your physical touch. :(
Still wana take the drive alone. Not sure if I can get to take tue off. Would be lovely if I could take 2 days as Danny had promised. But well we'll see how it goes when the others get back. I'm getting unshameful un getting "rewarded" by Diana. It's definitely not what I've done. I know that fear is driving her. N I dun wana take advantage. But ... Sigh. I've gota pray about it. I'm listening to people more than God and that is Not right. Andrew will be the last I'll ask. He's point of view is very different from most people n I am intrigued. It is interesting. My eyes are opened. I am challenged.
No doubt I am annoyed when he keeps asking me bout Emily. It was a little too much. He is a brother and that is how I need to be able to treat him. Nothing more nothing less. There is lots to be learnt from him. I duno if he'll be in my life as a life Fren but surely for a season. For me to learn off him. I'm sure there is something that he can learn from me too but that's between him and God. There's much to learn for him too. Especially in the area of maturity. I know he thinks he is the most mature person he knows. And I dun deny that he is mature. But there is still alot to learn. Perhaps he knows perhaps he doesn't. But that is his journey. I am but a messenger.
Really wish to see Toulia. Miss him. Kept feeling that I'll meet him somewhere out of church. Out of Sydney. I don't know why. Perhaps that's my way of asking God to confirm if he is the one. Still think he is. But we'll never know will we? Just hope God helps me let him go quickly n easily.
Saw pictures in the phone. Tot I'd ridden everything bout him. But he keeps coming up. I wonder how things are on his side.
Oh Daddy. How I miss him. When will You fill that emptiness up Daddy? Really wish You can come in physical form and give me a hug. Really long for one. I want to feel Your physical touch. :(
Thursday, September 23, 2010
24 Sept 2010 - Pain
I cannot understand what I am going through. For some reason I was really irritated and annoyed with Minah last night. I felt that she totally had no sensitivity towards Andrew. He had not had dinner yet and for her to make the comment she made, I dont know how he took it. He might say it is all good, but I really dont know.
Also, I am not happy with her asking him to fetch Emily back. And having done that, did not proceed to get the proper address from her, making us go in rounds. I am just terribly annoyed.
And today, learning that Loren had blocked me, cos I cant find her. That really upset me. Cos I did her no wrong and to be treated like that, I am really upset. It is ok if she doesnt want to add me as a friend or has taken me off as a friend, but to block me?
And then seeing Toulia's change in pictures and him on his new bike. I am just really so upset. The thoughts running through my head were "What did I do wrong?" "Why do I have to go through this?"
I know that God owes it to me to show me how immature Toulia was and not marriage material, cos I badly, desperately wanted to get married and had thought the world of Toulia. He showed me how much Toulia was unable to accept me just as how annoyed I am getting with Minah.
And I pray that God will help me and give me the grace to deal with the things that keep coming up about Minah. I think mostly I am still holding a grudge, a bitterness against her and blaming her for playing a part in my breakup with Toulia.
- the lack of personal space to be with Toulia,
- the financial stress, which adds to all my other stresses,
- the emotional stress regarding her pregnancy.
in addition to all the tiny little things that I sometimes already get annoyed with her about, such as finishing my food and not replacing it.
I really think we should stop sharing groceries. She buys her own stuff and when I cook and offer it, that's fine, but otherwise better to separate it. some things we can share, but others, i dont know.
I dont want to deal with any of this. It is not mine to deal with. It is God's to deal with.
God gives me enough grace to deal with what I have to deal with daily. And I am facing that with Minah. I have to talk to her about it. And I hope the Holy Spirit helps me to communicate what I really want to communicate with her.
sigh...
it is not her fault. It has nothing to do with her. It is MY perception. And I need to deal with it. But I am not doing it very well as yet. But it is affecting my relationship with her.
:(
I really dont know what to do. I dont feel that I should tell her, but I feel that I have to now, cos I think it is causing some friction and issues.
:(
Also, I am not happy with her asking him to fetch Emily back. And having done that, did not proceed to get the proper address from her, making us go in rounds. I am just terribly annoyed.
And today, learning that Loren had blocked me, cos I cant find her. That really upset me. Cos I did her no wrong and to be treated like that, I am really upset. It is ok if she doesnt want to add me as a friend or has taken me off as a friend, but to block me?
And then seeing Toulia's change in pictures and him on his new bike. I am just really so upset. The thoughts running through my head were "What did I do wrong?" "Why do I have to go through this?"
I know that God owes it to me to show me how immature Toulia was and not marriage material, cos I badly, desperately wanted to get married and had thought the world of Toulia. He showed me how much Toulia was unable to accept me just as how annoyed I am getting with Minah.
And I pray that God will help me and give me the grace to deal with the things that keep coming up about Minah. I think mostly I am still holding a grudge, a bitterness against her and blaming her for playing a part in my breakup with Toulia.
- the lack of personal space to be with Toulia,
- the financial stress, which adds to all my other stresses,
- the emotional stress regarding her pregnancy.
in addition to all the tiny little things that I sometimes already get annoyed with her about, such as finishing my food and not replacing it.
I really think we should stop sharing groceries. She buys her own stuff and when I cook and offer it, that's fine, but otherwise better to separate it. some things we can share, but others, i dont know.
I dont want to deal with any of this. It is not mine to deal with. It is God's to deal with.
God gives me enough grace to deal with what I have to deal with daily. And I am facing that with Minah. I have to talk to her about it. And I hope the Holy Spirit helps me to communicate what I really want to communicate with her.
sigh...
it is not her fault. It has nothing to do with her. It is MY perception. And I need to deal with it. But I am not doing it very well as yet. But it is affecting my relationship with her.
:(
I really dont know what to do. I dont feel that I should tell her, but I feel that I have to now, cos I think it is causing some friction and issues.
:(
Monday, September 20, 2010
21 Sept 2010 - I must be lying to myself
I am definitely lying to myself.
I am attracted to Andrew. And I dont know if i really miss Toulia or I'm using him as a shield to protect me from future hurt and disappointments. Perhaps that is why I cant let go.
The dude has moved on. He has chosen NOT to love. Not just love me. But he has chosen not to love. None of his actions are acted out of love.
I know there are times i hate him. But generally i dont hate him. I dont know if i really want anything to do with him now anymore. my emotions are all still a mess.
And then there is Andrew. I cannot identify what it is that I am attracted to about him.
having spent the whole day with him and he waited for me for several appointments, and got to play dota too, i woke up feeling really good. looked forward to meeting him for lunch too.
but as soon as he cancelled, i know my emotions took a dip.
i dont want to feel that way again. i have to keep my distance..
i dont want to be disappointed again..
Daddy, i'm scared to be hurt. :(
i dont even dare think about another relationship. toulia was supposed to be the last. so if it didnt work out, then i dun wana pray for it anymore. its too painful. i keep making mistakes. and they seem to be the same mistakes. i dont seem to ever learn. and that's what scares me. :(
i dont want to go through the "test" over and over and over again. cos i can never fail. i get to do it over and over until i learn what i need to learn. and i am scared. :(
I am attracted to Andrew. And I dont know if i really miss Toulia or I'm using him as a shield to protect me from future hurt and disappointments. Perhaps that is why I cant let go.
The dude has moved on. He has chosen NOT to love. Not just love me. But he has chosen not to love. None of his actions are acted out of love.
I know there are times i hate him. But generally i dont hate him. I dont know if i really want anything to do with him now anymore. my emotions are all still a mess.
And then there is Andrew. I cannot identify what it is that I am attracted to about him.
having spent the whole day with him and he waited for me for several appointments, and got to play dota too, i woke up feeling really good. looked forward to meeting him for lunch too.
but as soon as he cancelled, i know my emotions took a dip.
i dont want to feel that way again. i have to keep my distance..
i dont want to be disappointed again..
Daddy, i'm scared to be hurt. :(
i dont even dare think about another relationship. toulia was supposed to be the last. so if it didnt work out, then i dun wana pray for it anymore. its too painful. i keep making mistakes. and they seem to be the same mistakes. i dont seem to ever learn. and that's what scares me. :(
i dont want to go through the "test" over and over and over again. cos i can never fail. i get to do it over and over until i learn what i need to learn. and i am scared. :(
Saturday, September 18, 2010
19 sept 2010 - faint memories
He is growing distant. I hardly remember who he is already. But the memories we had were still so strong in my mind. I feel we've grown so far apart that we'll never be able to pick up here we left off. He's really gone from my life. It hurts. N I miss him so much. N the words he las said still cuts deep. The pain of that rejection still hurts. Really wish it'll go away.
I no longer want to think bout him. Dun wana know whether or not he is the one. I jus want to be happy. I want to enjoy the life n peace that God had given me. I know God is looking after me. He is looking after what I want and need.
He will provide for me. Health, money, friends, mentors n even my life partner.
He is healing me as I draw closer to Him. I enjoy the peace He gives me.
I wana shut out the things the world says. I do not want it to shake me and affect me anymore. I want to be an ambassador of love.
I wana serve in discover next. I have to go to church for 10am Svc next sun and serve in discovery.
I no longer want to think bout him. Dun wana know whether or not he is the one. I jus want to be happy. I want to enjoy the life n peace that God had given me. I know God is looking after me. He is looking after what I want and need.
He will provide for me. Health, money, friends, mentors n even my life partner.
He is healing me as I draw closer to Him. I enjoy the peace He gives me.
I wana shut out the things the world says. I do not want it to shake me and affect me anymore. I want to be an ambassador of love.
I wana serve in discover next. I have to go to church for 10am Svc next sun and serve in discovery.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
15 sept 2010 - arvo
Hearing Marina share that she got married only at 45 scared the life outta me. I dun wana get married only then. Already I feel like I am past my time. I honestly tot tat I would have been married within months of being with toulia. That was 2 yrs ago at 32 max 33. But I'm goin on to 35 already and not even attached yet. I'm not even ready for another relationship even though I so badly want one. :(
what did I do to myself. Without God's love for me to look after me I tink I would be nowhere. Even though I duno where I'm heading but I do know that God knows. So I'm looked after
Sigh
I gota stop taking steps back. :(
what did I do to myself. Without God's love for me to look after me I tink I would be nowhere. Even though I duno where I'm heading but I do know that God knows. So I'm looked after
Sigh
I gota stop taking steps back. :(
14 Sept 2010 - evening
Had a couple of revelations today (if i might even call it revelations)
1. Maturity has alot to do with a person's grace & understanding of things. Acceptance of people and how they are, because they probably have been through similar situations, or have had people around them experience it.
2. Pride kills. God has NO choice but to break me if I am proud! and in the midst of breaking me, cos we are interlinked with everyone, other people gets affected. The more proud a person is, the harder they will fall!
How to tell if a person is proud or not depends on how teachable a person is.
I have had a few thoughts of my own regarding the entire relationship breakdown and whats not.
but i guess i am keeping it to myself or rather i am putting them all in a box and giving them to God. No point looking at it anymore. If God hasnt done anything about it, then I dont see why I should.
And Vlorin is right. I keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards. I keep looking backwards. And i do remember God warning before NOT to look backward, cos then I can be of service to Him or His kingdom!
So I just have to look forward and one day I'll see the light.
Vlorin also said not to pray for relationship at the moment, which I totally agree. I totally am NOT in the mood for any relationship. Least to say, I still miss him. Which i do hope i'll forget about soon. :)
i need to find my feet around myself first... then i can have all other things follow. :)
1. Maturity has alot to do with a person's grace & understanding of things. Acceptance of people and how they are, because they probably have been through similar situations, or have had people around them experience it.
2. Pride kills. God has NO choice but to break me if I am proud! and in the midst of breaking me, cos we are interlinked with everyone, other people gets affected. The more proud a person is, the harder they will fall!
How to tell if a person is proud or not depends on how teachable a person is.
I have had a few thoughts of my own regarding the entire relationship breakdown and whats not.
but i guess i am keeping it to myself or rather i am putting them all in a box and giving them to God. No point looking at it anymore. If God hasnt done anything about it, then I dont see why I should.
And Vlorin is right. I keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards. I keep looking backwards. And i do remember God warning before NOT to look backward, cos then I can be of service to Him or His kingdom!
So I just have to look forward and one day I'll see the light.
Vlorin also said not to pray for relationship at the moment, which I totally agree. I totally am NOT in the mood for any relationship. Least to say, I still miss him. Which i do hope i'll forget about soon. :)
i need to find my feet around myself first... then i can have all other things follow. :)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
10 Sept 2010 morn - wow
Its been an interesting week.
from realising that i've nothing for Andrew to having my resentment towards minah revealed and forgiveness released.
its honestly still amazing. God is amazing.
And i want to learn more about love, about humility.
i promised God that from now i will change in the way i respond to things. i will hold my tongue until the next day before i speak regarding any matter. i will write it down and when it no longer matters the next day, i'll cross it out. if it matters, i'll deal with it.
and by the end of the year, i want to have been moved up another level in the capacity to love.
i still miss toulia. but it hurts much less now. the thought of the loss of the relationship, the loss of the friendship causes hurt. especially the thought that he now hates me. i really wish that he could be here to hold me and tell me everything is ok. but that wish is far from reality.
terence said that ash has a job offer for me back in sg. should i go?
money wise, it definitely has to be worth my while for me to go back. however i dont think that it will be. they wont pay me so much.
but i have just grown my roots deeper into the grounds here. shall i uproot them just to chase after money?
no i dont think so. God will provide and increase the blessings that i have. He will provide for the money that i need. whether it is for the house or for the car or anything else that i really wana do.
I feel that there are alot of truths about myself that i dont even know. and i am only starting to realise them. through everything that's happening and the courses i am taking.
e.g. andrew said that i behave like a girl who has grown up with sg guys. but i beg to differ. i think that when i am with girls i am different. i know i have a tendency to blend in and model the people i am with. i dont know if it is good or bad. i guess if i am modelling only the good things, then it is good otherwise, it is bad. cos i should have wisdom in picking what i model.
i think i modelled toulia for him to see. so my anger is exemplified by how he reacts. i dont know. its all wild guesses.
but i do know that i model people to blend in with the group.
i am also learning more about what i value and my character. i am also learning to say no. as well as focus on me and my journey with God rather than others. i'm glad that God shut my mouth about minah. cos she didnt pay for the course, so it was not a waste of money. she had already decided that she wont join cos of the costs. however id id not knwo that and so each time she did not turn up, i just felt that she was irresponsible. thank God for revealing the truth to me.
i am also glad to be able to be of strength and support to others around me. and i thank God for putting the words of wisdom in my mouth so that others will be impacted. like last night's college where i shared about pride. it is something i've learnt and something i'm working on and want to see changed. and sharing that helped open some people's eyes. thank God for that. i would never have been able to open their eyes.
anyways, last day of the week. work to be done, campaigns to be churned out. and we'll take it from there. i dont want to take on too many things at a time. first priority is moving house.
after that then i'll look for the car. most to most, i'll get quarterly tickets since i do want to get a car. it would be great to get a car before summer so i can do more stuff.
in the midst of all these, i need to consistently and regularly spend time with God. That is the most important. I cannot forget. ITs the foundation of my happiness!
from realising that i've nothing for Andrew to having my resentment towards minah revealed and forgiveness released.
its honestly still amazing. God is amazing.
And i want to learn more about love, about humility.
i promised God that from now i will change in the way i respond to things. i will hold my tongue until the next day before i speak regarding any matter. i will write it down and when it no longer matters the next day, i'll cross it out. if it matters, i'll deal with it.
and by the end of the year, i want to have been moved up another level in the capacity to love.
i still miss toulia. but it hurts much less now. the thought of the loss of the relationship, the loss of the friendship causes hurt. especially the thought that he now hates me. i really wish that he could be here to hold me and tell me everything is ok. but that wish is far from reality.
terence said that ash has a job offer for me back in sg. should i go?
money wise, it definitely has to be worth my while for me to go back. however i dont think that it will be. they wont pay me so much.
but i have just grown my roots deeper into the grounds here. shall i uproot them just to chase after money?
no i dont think so. God will provide and increase the blessings that i have. He will provide for the money that i need. whether it is for the house or for the car or anything else that i really wana do.
I feel that there are alot of truths about myself that i dont even know. and i am only starting to realise them. through everything that's happening and the courses i am taking.
e.g. andrew said that i behave like a girl who has grown up with sg guys. but i beg to differ. i think that when i am with girls i am different. i know i have a tendency to blend in and model the people i am with. i dont know if it is good or bad. i guess if i am modelling only the good things, then it is good otherwise, it is bad. cos i should have wisdom in picking what i model.
i think i modelled toulia for him to see. so my anger is exemplified by how he reacts. i dont know. its all wild guesses.
but i do know that i model people to blend in with the group.
i am also learning more about what i value and my character. i am also learning to say no. as well as focus on me and my journey with God rather than others. i'm glad that God shut my mouth about minah. cos she didnt pay for the course, so it was not a waste of money. she had already decided that she wont join cos of the costs. however id id not knwo that and so each time she did not turn up, i just felt that she was irresponsible. thank God for revealing the truth to me.
i am also glad to be able to be of strength and support to others around me. and i thank God for putting the words of wisdom in my mouth so that others will be impacted. like last night's college where i shared about pride. it is something i've learnt and something i'm working on and want to see changed. and sharing that helped open some people's eyes. thank God for that. i would never have been able to open their eyes.
anyways, last day of the week. work to be done, campaigns to be churned out. and we'll take it from there. i dont want to take on too many things at a time. first priority is moving house.
after that then i'll look for the car. most to most, i'll get quarterly tickets since i do want to get a car. it would be great to get a car before summer so i can do more stuff.
in the midst of all these, i need to consistently and regularly spend time with God. That is the most important. I cannot forget. ITs the foundation of my happiness!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
8 Sept noon - wow
So many things are happening. Danny is not around today.
but its all good.
slowly i feel bit more peace working here. not sure if its cos diana is not around. she does have a knack of making people stressed. hehe
i really have to learn to tune out once she starts talking.
honestly i have more peace talking to Danny than diana, although some things that Danny does annoys me.
was nice that Danny said i can take a few days off once everything is sorted.
and although i want to change my job, it is mainly cos of the pay. so hopefully God gives me the pecae to stay as well as provides me with the money that i need.
i am also glad that my head is now clear and there is nothing else between me and andrew (not like there was any in the first place) but on my part, i was not sure what those emotions were. was glad i had the attention. but having turned back to focus on God, i dun feel those raging emotions anymore and can take him like a brother. :)
i'm so glad!
regarding toulia, cant say much about my emotions. its always the cause of problems. i believe that he currently hates me to the core although he denies it. and i cant see in my naked human eye how anything can be restored and reconciled. but God is THE Almighty One, the alpha & the Omega right. so if He says it'll work, why would i say otherwise.
so not going to think about it anymore. I'm sure there are more things for me to do right now. At least i have quite abit of activity going on for the next couple of weeks.
definitely need to sort my taxes out. work out my hours and all. my current tax account is not very helpful (in a way) but at least it has taught me what i need to look out for and what i need to do. :) so that's good.
also, have a car to buy. it would be great to have a car on the weekend. :D
with michelle coming to visit, it would really be nice. a break from everything. and obviously would love to be able to take a break from everything once civ v & nba goes live. so hopefully i can have my break in oct.
and of cos there is the moving of the house. believing for 2 Oct move. that saves me 2 weeks rent. :) but otherwise, God knows the best dates.
i guess its kinda palming things off to God, but if it takes a load off me, why not. and for now, i really do not want to have anything else to think at this point in time.
i know i still love toulia. and i miss him heaps. i wonder whether he misses me and thinks about me too? if he remembers the good times? but that is not getting me anywhere, so i am packing it in a box and giving that box to God. :)
if God gives it back to me, it's all good. means i have a present to open. if He doesnt then He'll exchange it for another box. :D which is also good.
regardless, i'll get to have my dreams come true.
God is weird. He is mysterious and His ways are beyond my understanding.
Thank goodness He loves me! so I can love Him too. I am really grateful for all that He has done for me in my life!
but its all good.
slowly i feel bit more peace working here. not sure if its cos diana is not around. she does have a knack of making people stressed. hehe
i really have to learn to tune out once she starts talking.
honestly i have more peace talking to Danny than diana, although some things that Danny does annoys me.
was nice that Danny said i can take a few days off once everything is sorted.
and although i want to change my job, it is mainly cos of the pay. so hopefully God gives me the pecae to stay as well as provides me with the money that i need.
i am also glad that my head is now clear and there is nothing else between me and andrew (not like there was any in the first place) but on my part, i was not sure what those emotions were. was glad i had the attention. but having turned back to focus on God, i dun feel those raging emotions anymore and can take him like a brother. :)
i'm so glad!
regarding toulia, cant say much about my emotions. its always the cause of problems. i believe that he currently hates me to the core although he denies it. and i cant see in my naked human eye how anything can be restored and reconciled. but God is THE Almighty One, the alpha & the Omega right. so if He says it'll work, why would i say otherwise.
so not going to think about it anymore. I'm sure there are more things for me to do right now. At least i have quite abit of activity going on for the next couple of weeks.
definitely need to sort my taxes out. work out my hours and all. my current tax account is not very helpful (in a way) but at least it has taught me what i need to look out for and what i need to do. :) so that's good.
also, have a car to buy. it would be great to have a car on the weekend. :D
with michelle coming to visit, it would really be nice. a break from everything. and obviously would love to be able to take a break from everything once civ v & nba goes live. so hopefully i can have my break in oct.
and of cos there is the moving of the house. believing for 2 Oct move. that saves me 2 weeks rent. :) but otherwise, God knows the best dates.
i guess its kinda palming things off to God, but if it takes a load off me, why not. and for now, i really do not want to have anything else to think at this point in time.
i know i still love toulia. and i miss him heaps. i wonder whether he misses me and thinks about me too? if he remembers the good times? but that is not getting me anywhere, so i am packing it in a box and giving that box to God. :)
if God gives it back to me, it's all good. means i have a present to open. if He doesnt then He'll exchange it for another box. :D which is also good.
regardless, i'll get to have my dreams come true.
God is weird. He is mysterious and His ways are beyond my understanding.
Thank goodness He loves me! so I can love Him too. I am really grateful for all that He has done for me in my life!
The car that I want
Daddy, The following are the criteria that I would like to have for the car.
1. Looks good. Not too old looking (e.g. the 96 Seca or Yaris)
2. Clean and not broken in all places
3. Manual or Automatic doesnt quite make any difference. Prefer Manual though.
4. Low KMS
5. Better if its a lady owner, properly serviced cos she doesnt know better. :)
6. No need to do up the car in anyway. Everything's been changed
7. Automatic windows
8. Auto lock
9. Bout $2.5K or less than $30/wk. (better if its free)
1. Looks good. Not too old looking (e.g. the 96 Seca or Yaris)
2. Clean and not broken in all places
3. Manual or Automatic doesnt quite make any difference. Prefer Manual though.
4. Low KMS
5. Better if its a lady owner, properly serviced cos she doesnt know better. :)
6. No need to do up the car in anyway. Everything's been changed
7. Automatic windows
8. Auto lock
9. Bout $2.5K or less than $30/wk. (better if its free)
Monday, September 6, 2010
7 Sept morn - to go or not to
I'm pretty sure this is a distraction. I so enjoy the attention that when i dont have it, i feel sad. But God doesnt want me to feel sad. It shouldnt be this way. I am not ready for any relationship. Regardless of Toulia or not Toulia.
And the session last night with the ladies have shown me my perspective on my sexuality.
I dont think it is too big an issue with sexual jokes, as long as it doesnt get too explicit and crude. And i dont treasure sex. I know i have suffered from the consequences of pre-marital sex - the guilt, the shame, insecurity, brokeness, etc. But i dont know how to value it.
when did that all change? I wanted to be a virgin till i get married. I'm far from being married yet have slept with many men already. how many soul ties do i have that needs to be broken? how trashy do i have to feel before i want to stop? I cant help having sexual fantasy thoughts. and i try hard not to let them stay. but its always "just a little bit more".
i guess toulia struggles with that too. i hope he is getting help and overcoming it.
i so want to be in a relationship. but looking at how i am responding to men and sex, i dont think i am ready. far from it. i dont know when i will be. but this is not my season. i am sure of it. i dont even wana think about toulia already - whether he is the right one or not. i'm just so tired and exhausted.
now, i just want to sort my apartment out. so i can know my cash flow.
and shortly after, it will be my trip to SG already. so just want to enjoy myself with my friends.
and its time to unwind a little and look for a new job. cos christmas is coming, so i can relax a little. i am just getting overwhelmed with work and underpaid. wana leave. :(
help!
And the session last night with the ladies have shown me my perspective on my sexuality.
I dont think it is too big an issue with sexual jokes, as long as it doesnt get too explicit and crude. And i dont treasure sex. I know i have suffered from the consequences of pre-marital sex - the guilt, the shame, insecurity, brokeness, etc. But i dont know how to value it.
when did that all change? I wanted to be a virgin till i get married. I'm far from being married yet have slept with many men already. how many soul ties do i have that needs to be broken? how trashy do i have to feel before i want to stop? I cant help having sexual fantasy thoughts. and i try hard not to let them stay. but its always "just a little bit more".
i guess toulia struggles with that too. i hope he is getting help and overcoming it.
i so want to be in a relationship. but looking at how i am responding to men and sex, i dont think i am ready. far from it. i dont know when i will be. but this is not my season. i am sure of it. i dont even wana think about toulia already - whether he is the right one or not. i'm just so tired and exhausted.
now, i just want to sort my apartment out. so i can know my cash flow.
and shortly after, it will be my trip to SG already. so just want to enjoy myself with my friends.
and its time to unwind a little and look for a new job. cos christmas is coming, so i can relax a little. i am just getting overwhelmed with work and underpaid. wana leave. :(
help!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
6 Sept morn - still confused but more clarity
Vlorin replied to me. Reading her replies kinda opened my eyes to a whole new world. A world that I was not aware of before. It was inspirational. And i am encouraged to seek God more. Cos i want my own revelations of Him and from Him.
At least from her testimony, I can see some areas where God had been working in my life, but I did not dare to acknowledge. I was afraid. I was not sure. I didnt know how it works.
I am mindful not too make Vlorin's testimony THE only way God works.
At least I have an inkling now what some of the things God was trying to tell me. Much of it is still a blur. And i need to be more mindful of what I pray for so I can hear Him.
Such as seeing Toulia on Sunday. That was after a good night on Fri with Andrew. I remember the conversation I had with Minah and how I was feeling. I was wondering if there was to be anything else between Andrew and myself. And if I was holding on to Toulia on my own accord or not. I guess I never quite understood why I saw him yesterday. I'm still unsure. But I believe it is a sign from God.
Just like when I heard His messages and declared that if He was working in our relationship, then I'll see him at a session that I normally dont see him. However I also do not want to place too much emphasis on signs.
Just believe would be the best. And like what Vlorin said, when the time is up, God will send someone else if Toulia still has decided to keep his heart hard.
i am curious though when we say "our hearts are hardened" what that means?
anyways... at least now i dont feel the desperate need to have to listen to messages and "find" answers. I feel at peace. Sure there are still things that need to be sorted out. But its not that heavy burden anymore.
At least that's what i'm feeling at this moment of typing this blog.
And I do hope that this feeling stays.
I'm pretty sure my rest and sleep definitely makes a difference. :)
So gota stay disciplined. Otherwise, all other things are going to start getting in the way and get me upset. then i'll get upset at not being able to keep my cool and its a whole cycle of beating myself up.
hmmm so what should i do when i am feeling low? cos of lack of sleep or stuff...??
At least from her testimony, I can see some areas where God had been working in my life, but I did not dare to acknowledge. I was afraid. I was not sure. I didnt know how it works.
I am mindful not too make Vlorin's testimony THE only way God works.
At least I have an inkling now what some of the things God was trying to tell me. Much of it is still a blur. And i need to be more mindful of what I pray for so I can hear Him.
Such as seeing Toulia on Sunday. That was after a good night on Fri with Andrew. I remember the conversation I had with Minah and how I was feeling. I was wondering if there was to be anything else between Andrew and myself. And if I was holding on to Toulia on my own accord or not. I guess I never quite understood why I saw him yesterday. I'm still unsure. But I believe it is a sign from God.
Just like when I heard His messages and declared that if He was working in our relationship, then I'll see him at a session that I normally dont see him. However I also do not want to place too much emphasis on signs.
Just believe would be the best. And like what Vlorin said, when the time is up, God will send someone else if Toulia still has decided to keep his heart hard.
i am curious though when we say "our hearts are hardened" what that means?
anyways... at least now i dont feel the desperate need to have to listen to messages and "find" answers. I feel at peace. Sure there are still things that need to be sorted out. But its not that heavy burden anymore.
At least that's what i'm feeling at this moment of typing this blog.
And I do hope that this feeling stays.
I'm pretty sure my rest and sleep definitely makes a difference. :)
So gota stay disciplined. Otherwise, all other things are going to start getting in the way and get me upset. then i'll get upset at not being able to keep my cool and its a whole cycle of beating myself up.
hmmm so what should i do when i am feeling low? cos of lack of sleep or stuff...??
5 sept evening - is God mocking me?
I wonder if Daddy God is mocking me. Or He is responding to my request to face more challenges.
Seeing Toulia last night was ok. But seeing him again today really is too much.
What is God wanting to tell me?
Does it even have anything to do with me?
I have already tried to be very obedient. But toulia is ignoring me. If so, then why do I want to put myself in harm's way and get rejected?
*cries*
or is God reminding me that He still has great plans for me and toulia and He is asking me to be patient and wait?
I dont want to think about this. I dont want to think about anything. It still hurts. Its painful
:(
Daddy... hold me! *cries*
I miss him so much. I cant help but remember the times that we spent together. I cant help but remember the things he said.
It hurts so much. Am i still in denial?
Everything just seems so impossible. If a man's heart is hardened, can it be soften once again?
I so want my distraction. If my distraction contacted me, i wouldnt feel so upset. But then i cannot rely on him. I would be making the same mistake again. I have to stop.
I have to stay single. Until everything is sorted out. I thought things were sorted out, that's why Daddy God sent Toulia.
*cries*
If i knew that they werent, I wouldnt have gone into it. I really dont want things to turn out the way it did.
*cries*
Daddy....
Will i ever be ready?
I'm trying hard to keep my faith in You. I'm trying to trust You. Its so hard. Especially when I am tired.
Why did You send him my way today?
*cries*
You know that I am not in good space. WHy Daddy?
*cries*
Seeing Toulia last night was ok. But seeing him again today really is too much.
What is God wanting to tell me?
Does it even have anything to do with me?
I have already tried to be very obedient. But toulia is ignoring me. If so, then why do I want to put myself in harm's way and get rejected?
*cries*
or is God reminding me that He still has great plans for me and toulia and He is asking me to be patient and wait?
I dont want to think about this. I dont want to think about anything. It still hurts. Its painful
:(
Daddy... hold me! *cries*
I miss him so much. I cant help but remember the times that we spent together. I cant help but remember the things he said.
It hurts so much. Am i still in denial?
Everything just seems so impossible. If a man's heart is hardened, can it be soften once again?
I so want my distraction. If my distraction contacted me, i wouldnt feel so upset. But then i cannot rely on him. I would be making the same mistake again. I have to stop.
I have to stay single. Until everything is sorted out. I thought things were sorted out, that's why Daddy God sent Toulia.
*cries*
If i knew that they werent, I wouldnt have gone into it. I really dont want things to turn out the way it did.
*cries*
Daddy....
Will i ever be ready?
I'm trying hard to keep my faith in You. I'm trying to trust You. Its so hard. Especially when I am tired.
Why did You send him my way today?
*cries*
You know that I am not in good space. WHy Daddy?
*cries*
5 Sept Morn - am I insensitive? Or r others too sensitive?
Had a good chat with Minah last night. I duno wat she is goin thru. Daddy am I tat destructive as the devil is leading me to tink? I'm so insensitive to such things. I guess tats wat toulia was experiencing. But it's not intentional. I never intended to let them bear the brunt of anything. Daddy help me.
Tink I need to place a prayer life in our lives. We often talk bout stuff but never pray for it.
I'm so tired last night after staying up so late. I definitely have to keep away Fr tinking bout anything. No Andrew no toulia no Minah n no issues tat I need to handle.
Tink I need to place a prayer life in our lives. We often talk bout stuff but never pray for it.
I'm so tired last night after staying up so late. I definitely have to keep away Fr tinking bout anything. No Andrew no toulia no Minah n no issues tat I need to handle.
4 Sept morn - Peace!
I love God's sense of laughter. Cos He makes me laugh. :D
Was praying bout toulia yesterday. Wasnt sure whether to greet him happy birthday or not. and asked God. eventually forgot about it! and guess what, I ended up sitting 2 seats away from him when i got to church! hahaha
anyways, i felt peace. No more discomfort, no more anger, no more upset. just wanted good for him. and decided to wish him happy birthday. didnt know if he would talk to me. and obviously he didnt. and felt like a coward not being able to just rock up to him and say happy birthday. so eventually took the chicken exit and msg him happy birthday. :)
was bit disappointed that he didnt even reply thanks. but well, if he is not ready then its not my prob anymore.
perhaps that's why andrew is in my life at the moment. i know that there is nothing between us. but he is definitely a distraction. although i am mindful NOT to lean to him for comfort. God is still my comfort. I do NOT want to make the same mistake again.
There are some things that still get to me about the entire breakdown. i am still skeptical and cynical.
BUT i do know that I no longer harbor any anger or resentment or bitterness towards toulia as a person. still dont see eye to eye with the behaviour, but that's ok. God will deal with it. :D
I am glad to be free!
as much as i am enjoying this peace and no trials season, i do look forward to having trials. cos being able to respond with peace and stability, it really feels good! cos i know i passed God's test!!!
and i believe that God is bringing me up a notch. He is growing my faith in Him stronger. I am sure He has great plans for me. And wants me to be able to look at Him in times of trouble and stay stable, trusting, faithful.
This is a dangerous statement, but I am looking forward to more trials. I wana be stronger, more patient, more obedient! :)
Was praying bout toulia yesterday. Wasnt sure whether to greet him happy birthday or not. and asked God. eventually forgot about it! and guess what, I ended up sitting 2 seats away from him when i got to church! hahaha
anyways, i felt peace. No more discomfort, no more anger, no more upset. just wanted good for him. and decided to wish him happy birthday. didnt know if he would talk to me. and obviously he didnt. and felt like a coward not being able to just rock up to him and say happy birthday. so eventually took the chicken exit and msg him happy birthday. :)
was bit disappointed that he didnt even reply thanks. but well, if he is not ready then its not my prob anymore.
perhaps that's why andrew is in my life at the moment. i know that there is nothing between us. but he is definitely a distraction. although i am mindful NOT to lean to him for comfort. God is still my comfort. I do NOT want to make the same mistake again.
There are some things that still get to me about the entire breakdown. i am still skeptical and cynical.
BUT i do know that I no longer harbor any anger or resentment or bitterness towards toulia as a person. still dont see eye to eye with the behaviour, but that's ok. God will deal with it. :D
I am glad to be free!
as much as i am enjoying this peace and no trials season, i do look forward to having trials. cos being able to respond with peace and stability, it really feels good! cos i know i passed God's test!!!
and i believe that God is bringing me up a notch. He is growing my faith in Him stronger. I am sure He has great plans for me. And wants me to be able to look at Him in times of trouble and stay stable, trusting, faithful.
This is a dangerous statement, but I am looking forward to more trials. I wana be stronger, more patient, more obedient! :)
3 Sept noon - confused
I am still feeling very uneasy about certain things. Like whether Toulia is the one for me or not.
I know for sure at the start of the relationship, he definitely was the one. But i am not sure about now. I know that if he is still the one God has in mind for me, God will convict him eventually. But for now, i dont know. I cant see what's happening and i dont know what is happening.
but i do know that he WAS the one for me and so was i for him.
I have also been bit obsessed with wanting to receive messages from Andrew. Think it was the same as before I met toulia. Feels the same as after I met up with Colin during conference. I guess i am too anxious about it and really long to be in a relationship.
whatever it is, i dont like it.
What i do like however, is this sudden hunger/desire to find out more about the gift of FAITH. I think God spoke to me this morning about my gifting. But it seems to be a very mellow gift. something not loud or obvious. so how do i use it? is it only for myself then? but all gifts are supposed to be plucked for others isnt it?
anyways, i am excited. also want a car. promised God that if He were to get me a car (free) i will serve in the 8am service for 6mths. i dont know what i'll serve in though. most prob new christians - the discovery course.
i am really happy being in TV land. however, i do want to get out n socialise more. i want more human interaction. as much as i love what i am doing, i still wana be around people more.
cant wait!
cant wait to move house as well.
still dont know about changing jobs. do really feel like staying here but then i feel underpaid. been told that people with my experience is getting paid $70-80K in bigger agencies. so i feel underpaid.
sigh...
anyways, see where Daddy God brings me.
I know for sure at the start of the relationship, he definitely was the one. But i am not sure about now. I know that if he is still the one God has in mind for me, God will convict him eventually. But for now, i dont know. I cant see what's happening and i dont know what is happening.
but i do know that he WAS the one for me and so was i for him.
I have also been bit obsessed with wanting to receive messages from Andrew. Think it was the same as before I met toulia. Feels the same as after I met up with Colin during conference. I guess i am too anxious about it and really long to be in a relationship.
whatever it is, i dont like it.
What i do like however, is this sudden hunger/desire to find out more about the gift of FAITH. I think God spoke to me this morning about my gifting. But it seems to be a very mellow gift. something not loud or obvious. so how do i use it? is it only for myself then? but all gifts are supposed to be plucked for others isnt it?
anyways, i am excited. also want a car. promised God that if He were to get me a car (free) i will serve in the 8am service for 6mths. i dont know what i'll serve in though. most prob new christians - the discovery course.
i am really happy being in TV land. however, i do want to get out n socialise more. i want more human interaction. as much as i love what i am doing, i still wana be around people more.
cant wait!
cant wait to move house as well.
still dont know about changing jobs. do really feel like staying here but then i feel underpaid. been told that people with my experience is getting paid $70-80K in bigger agencies. so i feel underpaid.
sigh...
anyways, see where Daddy God brings me.
Friday, September 3, 2010
2 sept evening - :(
2 sept evening - :(
Shoot's over. N I have not stopped checking for msgs from Andrew. I know i need space. This is definitely a rebound.
I still can't stop tinking bout t. johanis's story is still riding in my mind. I so wana talk to someone bout it yet I know it won't make any diff.
N the things tat Joyce meyer has been saying. I jus feel God is trying to tell me something. But I duno wat. Sigh. I wish I was more alert to the holy spirit. :(
Help me God!
Shoot's over. N I have not stopped checking for msgs from Andrew. I know i need space. This is definitely a rebound.
I still can't stop tinking bout t. johanis's story is still riding in my mind. I so wana talk to someone bout it yet I know it won't make any diff.
N the things tat Joyce meyer has been saying. I jus feel God is trying to tell me something. But I duno wat. Sigh. I wish I was more alert to the holy spirit. :(
Help me God!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
2 Sept 2010 morn - questions again
Johanis shared his story last night. It was the second time this week already or rather in the last 7 days that i was wondering what God was trying to tell me. I wish i was less dense. I wish the Holy spirit spoke stronger to me.
:(
i kinda can tell that God is wanting to tell me something, yet i cant really put my finger on what it is.
I guess (hope) that it will eventually come through. I just dont know when.
Regardless, the one thing i know i need to do is TRUST GOD!
no matter what questions i have, no matter what i dont understand, no matter what i am or am not getting.... the only one thing that i DO have is Trust in God!
there is no one else. there is nothing else.
And if He was willing to let His one and only BELOVED son die for me and not just die for me, but Jesus suffered for me. He was rejected. He was betrayed, He was whipped and wounded. He took on grief and sorrow. He took on EVERYTHING on the cross!!!
So I can be blessed! I can have righteousness with God. There is nothing else that I can ask for!
No matter how hard things are, nothing can be more difficult than knowing that my one purpose is to die! So that others can benefit!
Who can do something like that??!?! Yet Jesus did!
I need to learn to understand, accept and embrace that trials and challenges are important, cos it will build me. It will build my character, it will build my faith and it will build my trust in God.
Then the devil wont be able to shake me as much as he does right now, which honestly annoys me.
things WILL become easier!
:(
i kinda can tell that God is wanting to tell me something, yet i cant really put my finger on what it is.
I guess (hope) that it will eventually come through. I just dont know when.
Regardless, the one thing i know i need to do is TRUST GOD!
no matter what questions i have, no matter what i dont understand, no matter what i am or am not getting.... the only one thing that i DO have is Trust in God!
there is no one else. there is nothing else.
And if He was willing to let His one and only BELOVED son die for me and not just die for me, but Jesus suffered for me. He was rejected. He was betrayed, He was whipped and wounded. He took on grief and sorrow. He took on EVERYTHING on the cross!!!
So I can be blessed! I can have righteousness with God. There is nothing else that I can ask for!
No matter how hard things are, nothing can be more difficult than knowing that my one purpose is to die! So that others can benefit!
Who can do something like that??!?! Yet Jesus did!
I need to learn to understand, accept and embrace that trials and challenges are important, cos it will build me. It will build my character, it will build my faith and it will build my trust in God.
Then the devil wont be able to shake me as much as he does right now, which honestly annoys me.
things WILL become easier!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
31 Aug night - said too much
i've said too much talking to andrew. :(
it was good talking to him. reminded me of the old times with toulia.
its funny when i dun hear anything about him, i start thinking good things. but the minute i hear about him, i start getting angry and upset. Daddy, i cannot comprehend.
and i dun like it. i dun like getting angry and upset.
i duno how to handle this. you need to help me. you need to work it out.
i constantly remind myself that toulia has walked out of my life and it is a fact. it is a past and it is a fact. it might not be the truth, but i know i do not have the faith to go there. going there will just destroy me. it will bring me down again and since i do not have that faith, i might as well just avoid. RUN from the temptation.
I do miss him much. lots. in fact thought about him lots today. fantasized about him. perhaps cos i feel its "safe". but i know that it is wrong. God knows what i'm thinking. :(
and i really should stay away from andrew. i know he is a good guy. and would be a good friend and support. but when i cant keep my mind pure, it is best that i stay away.
i would love a mentor. but if God hasnt send any, then i guess He doesnt think i need one. i think He wants me to learn to lean on Him, to turn to Him for everything. and a mentor would take me away from Him.
i am barely making it through the day without wanting to turn to someone for comfort, for help, for advice. when the wisest of them all is just a call away. yet i refuse to call to Him.
i'm still learning. learning how to communicate so i dont have to throw a temper/tantrum to manipulate situations. its not conscious. it is unconscious. the venting of my frustrations is to get a respond, a result that hopefully is what i like. but isnt it easier to just communicate what i require?
i really need to learn that.
:(
God help me.
this "growing" journey is really so not fun.
i have to learn to be like an adult. to do the RIGHT things and refrain from doing what i feel like doing, especially cos now i know it is wrong. :(
the more i learn about God, the more exciting. however the more i learn about Him, the more i learn of the things that i have to do as well and i do not like it. not one bit. :(
sigh.. i really wish that toulia had a good day today. i'm sure he would be really happy that simon and the cg celebrated his bday with him, since his previous cg didnt bother.
i wish he would think of me. i wish he would miss me. but it is all empty wishes that would get me nowhere.
it is better now to just move on and forget about it. forget about him. forget that he ever existed. wishing that he missed me and was thinking of me is just futile weak attempts to hold on to the past.
i am getting a sickie off tomorrow. why am i still feeling so depressed and miserable?!
god, you really need to do something about this.
oh... hmm yeah.. i need to sleep.. haha
alright... i will go to bed now. and i am sure tomorrow will be much better.
perhaps then you can tell me more about what it means by to praise you for who you are?!
it was good talking to him. reminded me of the old times with toulia.
its funny when i dun hear anything about him, i start thinking good things. but the minute i hear about him, i start getting angry and upset. Daddy, i cannot comprehend.
and i dun like it. i dun like getting angry and upset.
i duno how to handle this. you need to help me. you need to work it out.
i constantly remind myself that toulia has walked out of my life and it is a fact. it is a past and it is a fact. it might not be the truth, but i know i do not have the faith to go there. going there will just destroy me. it will bring me down again and since i do not have that faith, i might as well just avoid. RUN from the temptation.
I do miss him much. lots. in fact thought about him lots today. fantasized about him. perhaps cos i feel its "safe". but i know that it is wrong. God knows what i'm thinking. :(
and i really should stay away from andrew. i know he is a good guy. and would be a good friend and support. but when i cant keep my mind pure, it is best that i stay away.
i would love a mentor. but if God hasnt send any, then i guess He doesnt think i need one. i think He wants me to learn to lean on Him, to turn to Him for everything. and a mentor would take me away from Him.
i am barely making it through the day without wanting to turn to someone for comfort, for help, for advice. when the wisest of them all is just a call away. yet i refuse to call to Him.
i'm still learning. learning how to communicate so i dont have to throw a temper/tantrum to manipulate situations. its not conscious. it is unconscious. the venting of my frustrations is to get a respond, a result that hopefully is what i like. but isnt it easier to just communicate what i require?
i really need to learn that.
:(
God help me.
this "growing" journey is really so not fun.
i have to learn to be like an adult. to do the RIGHT things and refrain from doing what i feel like doing, especially cos now i know it is wrong. :(
the more i learn about God, the more exciting. however the more i learn about Him, the more i learn of the things that i have to do as well and i do not like it. not one bit. :(
sigh.. i really wish that toulia had a good day today. i'm sure he would be really happy that simon and the cg celebrated his bday with him, since his previous cg didnt bother.
i wish he would think of me. i wish he would miss me. but it is all empty wishes that would get me nowhere.
it is better now to just move on and forget about it. forget about him. forget that he ever existed. wishing that he missed me and was thinking of me is just futile weak attempts to hold on to the past.
i am getting a sickie off tomorrow. why am i still feeling so depressed and miserable?!
god, you really need to do something about this.
oh... hmm yeah.. i need to sleep.. haha
alright... i will go to bed now. and i am sure tomorrow will be much better.
perhaps then you can tell me more about what it means by to praise you for who you are?!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
29 aug morn- God is good. God is faithful
It was a great night out with Dhani. I no longer held anything against him. I was afraid he still had issues against me but he didn't. When I let go the need to b right n justified God reconciled the friendship. Praise God. He is awesome.
But I duno how it'll b with toulia. I have let the rel go. There's nothing more that I can do. He's walked away n I can't change his mind. Though I tink his focus had been me rather the devil n tat if he had wisdom, if he knew God's promise things won't turn out this way. But regardless of reason, he's walked.
I also realised last night that he has been talking to Dhani. So he should b clear tat people won't avoiding him. But then his mind had been set. He's not goin to care. He wants out n that's what's most impt to him.
N I'll let him go. Cos he is gone. Holding on to him only brings me misery. I wana b happy. I know God wants me to b happy.
I hope he is happy too. I'm sure he's enjoying life like never before. He's got the money n he can get to do what he wants without thinking bout anyone else. Surrounded by people who constantly tells him how great he is. I wish him all the best while I take my leave. He doesn't know it. He still tinks I hate him. He still tinks I'm terrible. Let him. My worth is not in what he tinks.
I know I am loved. I am valued. I am accepted. I am wanted. I am forgiven.i am righteous. Cos I am a child of God. N that's all that matters.
But I duno how it'll b with toulia. I have let the rel go. There's nothing more that I can do. He's walked away n I can't change his mind. Though I tink his focus had been me rather the devil n tat if he had wisdom, if he knew God's promise things won't turn out this way. But regardless of reason, he's walked.
I also realised last night that he has been talking to Dhani. So he should b clear tat people won't avoiding him. But then his mind had been set. He's not goin to care. He wants out n that's what's most impt to him.
N I'll let him go. Cos he is gone. Holding on to him only brings me misery. I wana b happy. I know God wants me to b happy.
I hope he is happy too. I'm sure he's enjoying life like never before. He's got the money n he can get to do what he wants without thinking bout anyone else. Surrounded by people who constantly tells him how great he is. I wish him all the best while I take my leave. He doesn't know it. He still tinks I hate him. He still tinks I'm terrible. Let him. My worth is not in what he tinks.
I know I am loved. I am valued. I am accepted. I am wanted. I am forgiven.i am righteous. Cos I am a child of God. N that's all that matters.
Friday, August 27, 2010
27 aug morn - whole n victorious
Had my first great victory yesterday! Did not whinge bout my situation anymore. :) was happy to b honest bout my situation or rather how I felt n the great future ahead for me.
2nd victory- Minah also stirred up my desire for riding again. N tis time I tink I will get the licence nonetheless. I know Diana will object n so will alot of people. But it's time I see for myself n it's time I do something FOR myself n see it through.
3rd victory - I always keep most of the promises I made to people but not to myself. Being able to recognize this will help me love myself bit more n stop sacrifising for others. I've put people in front of me way too much. Fill myself then I can fill others. :)
I can't wait to b able to get the licence. Then I'll b able to join hardy on weekend rides. I'm not sure bout a motorcycle for now. Excited but scared cos of all the horrors I've heard. But a motorcycle definitely makes travel easier for me n at a lower price compared to a car.
Sigh the very thing tat I was afraid of for toulia I do it. Haha
The irony of it!
I am beautiful, I am valuable, I am accepted, I am loved. I am a child of God and I am wanted. In Christ I have been made whole n righteous.
2nd victory- Minah also stirred up my desire for riding again. N tis time I tink I will get the licence nonetheless. I know Diana will object n so will alot of people. But it's time I see for myself n it's time I do something FOR myself n see it through.
3rd victory - I always keep most of the promises I made to people but not to myself. Being able to recognize this will help me love myself bit more n stop sacrifising for others. I've put people in front of me way too much. Fill myself then I can fill others. :)
I can't wait to b able to get the licence. Then I'll b able to join hardy on weekend rides. I'm not sure bout a motorcycle for now. Excited but scared cos of all the horrors I've heard. But a motorcycle definitely makes travel easier for me n at a lower price compared to a car.
Sigh the very thing tat I was afraid of for toulia I do it. Haha
The irony of it!
I am beautiful, I am valuable, I am accepted, I am loved. I am a child of God and I am wanted. In Christ I have been made whole n righteous.
27 Aug evening - letting go
I am so confused. And i know that confusion is not from God. i think i am just misinterpreting what God is telling me. Regardless, i am surrendering everything to Him.
Bernard is right. This relationship or the lack of it is consuming me. Regardless of whether i am interpreting what God has shown me correctly or not, it is consuming me. if that's the case, then i am rendered useless already.
so i have to let it go. I have to surrender and give it to God. I have to let it go.
it is over. no more thinking about it whether i should pray or trust or blah blah blah.
my trust is in God. sounds cliche, cos if i did trust Him then i wont bother so much about this.
But well, i DO trust in Him.
This is a season of transformation for me.
My flesh definitely battles against my spirit. I am trying to keep level headed. I am trying to turn to God for everything. But there are times when i just feel so lonely. I am desperately clawing at air trying to grab at something yet i cant get hold of something.
its painful. and i dont know what to do about it.
it sometimes causes me to have headaches.
thank goodness this is only a season. so it is temporal. i know that soon i will be released. my flesh is just not used to it. so it is really uncomfortable. it is causing me to feel discomfort all over. its really painful. but i will overcome it!
i am an overcomer! I am IN CHRIST and He gives me the power! The power to endure the situations that I am in, and the power to overcome ALL things!
God has good plans for me! I can conquer anything!
God will refresh me and give me rest. :D
Bernard is right. This relationship or the lack of it is consuming me. Regardless of whether i am interpreting what God has shown me correctly or not, it is consuming me. if that's the case, then i am rendered useless already.
so i have to let it go. I have to surrender and give it to God. I have to let it go.
it is over. no more thinking about it whether i should pray or trust or blah blah blah.
my trust is in God. sounds cliche, cos if i did trust Him then i wont bother so much about this.
But well, i DO trust in Him.
This is a season of transformation for me.
My flesh definitely battles against my spirit. I am trying to keep level headed. I am trying to turn to God for everything. But there are times when i just feel so lonely. I am desperately clawing at air trying to grab at something yet i cant get hold of something.
its painful. and i dont know what to do about it.
it sometimes causes me to have headaches.
thank goodness this is only a season. so it is temporal. i know that soon i will be released. my flesh is just not used to it. so it is really uncomfortable. it is causing me to feel discomfort all over. its really painful. but i will overcome it!
i am an overcomer! I am IN CHRIST and He gives me the power! The power to endure the situations that I am in, and the power to overcome ALL things!
God has good plans for me! I can conquer anything!
God will refresh me and give me rest. :D
26 aug evening after college- crushed
After toulia is out of my life, tho there is the pain I had to deal with, my life has actually become less volatile.
Jus found out tat toulia left staff bout 2 weeks ago. My heart sank.
All sorts of tots came into my mind.
- felt tat I got him in trouble. Tat if I did not react the way I did it wouldn't have gone to tat level n he won't have been found out.
- felt frightened cos wats happening now is exactly wat I had wished for in my conversation with Bernard.
- feel hopeless. Now tat he wasn't working in church there was an even smaller chance of running into each other. How would we even have a reconciliation of friendship least to say a relationship
- feel foolish for declaring tat he is my husband.
- feel fear. Now tat he is back in the racing scene there r even more temptations. Where would I stand then? It would be even easier for him to forget me. He really has moved on.
- feel helpless cos there's nothing tat I can do to change the situation. Seems like God is really closing the doors. He wants me to forget bout toulia n not tink bout it again.
- feel like I dun have a choice. The door is shut tight in my face.
- can't understand. Does tat mean tat everything tat I tot i had heard that I tot was Fr God might not have been? I'm confused.
It hurts. I feel so frantic. Was desperately trying to grap at something. At someone. Someone who might b able to so something n change something.
But if God is with me n even He has not done anything then who in the world do I tink can do something?
My God the Almighty has turned away fr the situation! Who else do I tink can do anything bout it? Feels like a big huge NO n tat I have not been obedient to listen to Him.
I feel so foolish. Feel so silly! Still feel frantic hoping tat I can do something to change things! But I can't.
Even the email I sent him did not get to him. I can see God is determined to end everything. To cut the ties.
Daddy I feel so lost. So confused. It's so painful.
You ask me to trust You yet everything seem hopeless! You gave me the peace n confidence to stand up to the devil yet now I feel foolish cos it seems like Youve closed the door n I was the one who didn't hear fr You. To tink tat o had the audacity to ask You to get him to contact me within the week. This is hopeless. It's the end. It's gone!
*cries*
There r so many changes n the decisions tat he has made causes me to feel tat I do not know him anymore.
God has removed the people in my life who had been causing me grief. But y do I still feel so empty? So hollow? Not only do I not rejoice but I feel emptiness. It hurts in fact. I want to lash out. I wana tear out my heart so I won't feel tat horrible empty n painful feeling anymore. But I can't!
Deliver me oh God!
Like Cathy, I desperately wanted to be married too. I desperately wanted a husband. Y God y?
How God how?
Jus found out tat toulia left staff bout 2 weeks ago. My heart sank.
All sorts of tots came into my mind.
- felt tat I got him in trouble. Tat if I did not react the way I did it wouldn't have gone to tat level n he won't have been found out.
- felt frightened cos wats happening now is exactly wat I had wished for in my conversation with Bernard.
- feel hopeless. Now tat he wasn't working in church there was an even smaller chance of running into each other. How would we even have a reconciliation of friendship least to say a relationship
- feel foolish for declaring tat he is my husband.
- feel fear. Now tat he is back in the racing scene there r even more temptations. Where would I stand then? It would be even easier for him to forget me. He really has moved on.
- feel helpless cos there's nothing tat I can do to change the situation. Seems like God is really closing the doors. He wants me to forget bout toulia n not tink bout it again.
- feel like I dun have a choice. The door is shut tight in my face.
- can't understand. Does tat mean tat everything tat I tot i had heard that I tot was Fr God might not have been? I'm confused.
It hurts. I feel so frantic. Was desperately trying to grap at something. At someone. Someone who might b able to so something n change something.
But if God is with me n even He has not done anything then who in the world do I tink can do something?
My God the Almighty has turned away fr the situation! Who else do I tink can do anything bout it? Feels like a big huge NO n tat I have not been obedient to listen to Him.
I feel so foolish. Feel so silly! Still feel frantic hoping tat I can do something to change things! But I can't.
Even the email I sent him did not get to him. I can see God is determined to end everything. To cut the ties.
Daddy I feel so lost. So confused. It's so painful.
You ask me to trust You yet everything seem hopeless! You gave me the peace n confidence to stand up to the devil yet now I feel foolish cos it seems like Youve closed the door n I was the one who didn't hear fr You. To tink tat o had the audacity to ask You to get him to contact me within the week. This is hopeless. It's the end. It's gone!
*cries*
There r so many changes n the decisions tat he has made causes me to feel tat I do not know him anymore.
God has removed the people in my life who had been causing me grief. But y do I still feel so empty? So hollow? Not only do I not rejoice but I feel emptiness. It hurts in fact. I want to lash out. I wana tear out my heart so I won't feel tat horrible empty n painful feeling anymore. But I can't!
Deliver me oh God!
Like Cathy, I desperately wanted to be married too. I desperately wanted a husband. Y God y?
How God how?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
25 Aug - The fight
i take up my position as toulia's wife and fight this battle. I will not lose my husband to the devil.
I know the world says we are not married and therefore he is not my husband. I know the devil whispers that in my ear everyday, causing me fear to take up the sword and fight.
But I know that God had annointed the relationship and I know he is my husband. I take up the sword of God's words to fight this battle. I will not let deception near me anymore.
From now till 31 Dec, i will pray. Regardless of how i feel, what i see, i will pray for his return and the restoration of our relationship.
If God could bring him back before, if God could create all the miracles that He did for me before, why would He stop now?
No God has not stopped. Doesnt mean that I do not see it means God is not at work.
I trust my God. He is Faithful! He has done great things and He has great plans for me.
If i was willing to go through with the debt that toulia carried, then I can go through with this for the family. Cos i know the devil will come again when we have children and cast deception over our eyes. But i will know better then and be able to recognise his schemes and I will be able to take my stand against him and fight from victorious ground.
I know that toulia's eyes will be opened and he will see God's truth and the promises that God made to the both of us. This relationship is not a mistake. It never was and never will be.
We make mistakes. I made mistakes. And i am willing to accept that toulia made mistakes too. I have forgiven him and I will speak no more of this breakdown. We shall be reconciled. God will make the way. He has and always will.
THAT is God's words. God lives up to His promises. Not man. Man can always change their minds. It doesnt matter what toulia said. God will change his mind.
God is the creator. He is bigger than everything on this earth. He is bigger than even my troubles and pain.
Yes I am taking my stand. I am taking up my position. I fight from victorious ground. The deception shall end.
amen!
I know the world says we are not married and therefore he is not my husband. I know the devil whispers that in my ear everyday, causing me fear to take up the sword and fight.
But I know that God had annointed the relationship and I know he is my husband. I take up the sword of God's words to fight this battle. I will not let deception near me anymore.
From now till 31 Dec, i will pray. Regardless of how i feel, what i see, i will pray for his return and the restoration of our relationship.
If God could bring him back before, if God could create all the miracles that He did for me before, why would He stop now?
No God has not stopped. Doesnt mean that I do not see it means God is not at work.
I trust my God. He is Faithful! He has done great things and He has great plans for me.
If i was willing to go through with the debt that toulia carried, then I can go through with this for the family. Cos i know the devil will come again when we have children and cast deception over our eyes. But i will know better then and be able to recognise his schemes and I will be able to take my stand against him and fight from victorious ground.
I know that toulia's eyes will be opened and he will see God's truth and the promises that God made to the both of us. This relationship is not a mistake. It never was and never will be.
We make mistakes. I made mistakes. And i am willing to accept that toulia made mistakes too. I have forgiven him and I will speak no more of this breakdown. We shall be reconciled. God will make the way. He has and always will.
THAT is God's words. God lives up to His promises. Not man. Man can always change their minds. It doesnt matter what toulia said. God will change his mind.
God is the creator. He is bigger than everything on this earth. He is bigger than even my troubles and pain.
Yes I am taking my stand. I am taking up my position. I fight from victorious ground. The deception shall end.
amen!
24 aug - God's Faithfulness in my life
Daddy You have done many things in my life m have been faithful.
Now I come to u in faith forthright following matter. I know You r not a God of detail but I can come to You in detail.
Daddy I really wana b married before I turn 36. I really hope it is Your timin for me too.
I know You r preparing me for the man whom You have already prepared for me. And I know that You know what are the characteristics that I require.
1. He has to b good looking in my eyes. Not the most handsome on earth but good to my eyes.
2. He has to be smart and intelligent. Has a mind of his own.
3. Yet gentle enough to be patience with me when I fall to point me back to You to encourage me.
4. He is also humble and kind so that he is able to accept me for who I am.
5. He is secure in You. He knows who he is in You and nothing can move him. He has the confidence to speak his mind n not b afraid of my reactions.
6. He must also share in my values of honesty n integrity, putting the family first n turns to You when there r issues.
7. He must also b responsible n will not run away when there is trouble but have the courage n perseverance to stay an work things out.
Daddy You brought me here.
You promised me a future with a good man of God and precious children to teach n grow.
You provided for the house in sg.
You provided for my job here in syd.
You provided for the house n everything that comes with it.
You never start a project and not finish it.
I still believe that You are still working onthe project You started. And that You will finish it.
I don't know why my circumstances are so far from Your promises but I know that You are faithful and in Your time, You will bring the promise to past.
I know You are faithful. I do not think that you'll disappoint me. Give me a measure of faith to believe in Yor promises Daddy!
You love me too much.
You wan the best for me.
I do believe toulia is the best for me n there is still much preparation that is required in both our lives.
Although circumstances show it is almost impossible cos it's a burnt bridge, it's a dead end. But I believe in You. I trust You.
I trust that You are preparing toulia to be the man that I need him to be.
You are preparing him to be the father that our children need him to be.
I will wait for Your right timing.
I know the devil will come along and try to disappoint me more. Whether it is by showing me that toulia doesn't care or that he is dating someone else.
But my trust n faith is in You.
If You can turn around marriages I know You can turn around a simple relaionship like mine.
If only You Will.
And I trust your decision.
You know who is best for me.
I know You did not bring toulia into my life without reason. I hope that one day you'll show me the reason.
Love
Your daughter, Carol
Now I come to u in faith forthright following matter. I know You r not a God of detail but I can come to You in detail.
Daddy I really wana b married before I turn 36. I really hope it is Your timin for me too.
I know You r preparing me for the man whom You have already prepared for me. And I know that You know what are the characteristics that I require.
1. He has to b good looking in my eyes. Not the most handsome on earth but good to my eyes.
2. He has to be smart and intelligent. Has a mind of his own.
3. Yet gentle enough to be patience with me when I fall to point me back to You to encourage me.
4. He is also humble and kind so that he is able to accept me for who I am.
5. He is secure in You. He knows who he is in You and nothing can move him. He has the confidence to speak his mind n not b afraid of my reactions.
6. He must also share in my values of honesty n integrity, putting the family first n turns to You when there r issues.
7. He must also b responsible n will not run away when there is trouble but have the courage n perseverance to stay an work things out.
Daddy You brought me here.
You promised me a future with a good man of God and precious children to teach n grow.
You provided for the house in sg.
You provided for my job here in syd.
You provided for the house n everything that comes with it.
You never start a project and not finish it.
I still believe that You are still working onthe project You started. And that You will finish it.
I don't know why my circumstances are so far from Your promises but I know that You are faithful and in Your time, You will bring the promise to past.
I know You are faithful. I do not think that you'll disappoint me. Give me a measure of faith to believe in Yor promises Daddy!
You love me too much.
You wan the best for me.
I do believe toulia is the best for me n there is still much preparation that is required in both our lives.
Although circumstances show it is almost impossible cos it's a burnt bridge, it's a dead end. But I believe in You. I trust You.
I trust that You are preparing toulia to be the man that I need him to be.
You are preparing him to be the father that our children need him to be.
I will wait for Your right timing.
I know the devil will come along and try to disappoint me more. Whether it is by showing me that toulia doesn't care or that he is dating someone else.
But my trust n faith is in You.
If You can turn around marriages I know You can turn around a simple relaionship like mine.
If only You Will.
And I trust your decision.
You know who is best for me.
I know You did not bring toulia into my life without reason. I hope that one day you'll show me the reason.
Love
Your daughter, Carol
24 aug noon
Day ended good yesterday. Good conversation with Liz. Seems like I can soon overcome the triggers for my temper n handle it better.
Tot this morn was that I dun wana change my temper but rather I wana change how I respond when I am angry. There will always b things tat will cause me to b annoyed but how do I deal with it?
N I walked out of the house today feeling generally good till I heard Jim brickmans song. Was so proud of myself till then. Tot tat I was finally able to count 2 to feeling good days.
It was a mistake listening to tat song. Made me miss toulia so much n wished so hard tat he knew.
All the past ran thru my mind- how all my other ex responded. N most of them came back.
But toulia hasn't. N I duno if he ever will.
I know it is in God's plans for me to have a family. But I duno when n with whom. N tho I really would like tat person to b toulia I can't tell Fr current circumstances.
It hurts that he did not reply. But then again I asked God not to have him reply. Cos I didn't wana go thru another dip if he replied negatively. But I can't help wondering if he read the email or he jus deleted it.
If he read it, did it soften his heart? Or did he think it's nonsense tat I sent him again.
Oh how I wish I took away the starting title. Perhaps then he would have read. Who knows. Only God knows.
I really wish that God is able to soften toulia's heart toward me. N that he would come back. That he would be a man n face up to the situation n not run away. Even after all his excuses I still duno wat is the real reason. N I guess I'll never know.
Is he still missing me? Does he ever think bout the times we had? Were there happy times tat he remembers? Or has he forgotten me jus like the passing wind.
Daddy!
:(
Take this cup of sorrow away Fr me if u will.
Tot this morn was that I dun wana change my temper but rather I wana change how I respond when I am angry. There will always b things tat will cause me to b annoyed but how do I deal with it?
N I walked out of the house today feeling generally good till I heard Jim brickmans song. Was so proud of myself till then. Tot tat I was finally able to count 2 to feeling good days.
It was a mistake listening to tat song. Made me miss toulia so much n wished so hard tat he knew.
All the past ran thru my mind- how all my other ex responded. N most of them came back.
But toulia hasn't. N I duno if he ever will.
I know it is in God's plans for me to have a family. But I duno when n with whom. N tho I really would like tat person to b toulia I can't tell Fr current circumstances.
It hurts that he did not reply. But then again I asked God not to have him reply. Cos I didn't wana go thru another dip if he replied negatively. But I can't help wondering if he read the email or he jus deleted it.
If he read it, did it soften his heart? Or did he think it's nonsense tat I sent him again.
Oh how I wish I took away the starting title. Perhaps then he would have read. Who knows. Only God knows.
I really wish that God is able to soften toulia's heart toward me. N that he would come back. That he would be a man n face up to the situation n not run away. Even after all his excuses I still duno wat is the real reason. N I guess I'll never know.
Is he still missing me? Does he ever think bout the times we had? Were there happy times tat he remembers? Or has he forgotten me jus like the passing wind.
Daddy!
:(
Take this cup of sorrow away Fr me if u will.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Marriage
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.
By Stephanie Halmilton
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.
By Stephanie Halmilton
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