30 Nov 2010 - mistaken identity or rather.... mistake

I am such a kluts...

now i am told that he was never at the birthday. how silly.

sigh... it must have been another event that they had and he was there cos he is in simon's cg.

oh what the hell... wild goose's chase...
for me anyways..

no wonder Daddy was asking me why i am so downcast..

lol

its not Him but me!

geesh... and i thought i know it all..

silly.... trusting in what i see and in myself rather than God.

what kind of a smart decision is that? far from smart... :(

30 Nov 2010 - God is funny

Daddy God sure is funny. Sometimes I really dont know what He is trying to tell me.

First, He sets me free by reminding me that in a relationship, it is what I bring into it, not what I can get out of it. It was something I had forgotten after I met Toulia.

Then He lifts me up by reminding me that my worth in His eyes are already redeemed by Christ. And there's nothing that I need to do to redeem my worth.
And He answers my question about purpose of life by telling me that it is not who I attract but Whom I affect and How I affect them that means more than anything in my life.

But next He also shows me that He separated me and Toulia and is keeping us apart. lol.... this is hilarious.

And now that I dont feel as "high" as in the morning, He asks me:-
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour...."
Psalm 42:5

hahaha....

He shows me what He is doing and He asks me why I am downcast? lol
anyways, He has said to put my hope in God, so well, that's what I'll do - Put my trust in God. :)

And yes I WILL praise Him!
Regardless of my outcomes.

My purpose in life is to add value to the life of others right? :D
So that's what i'll focus on. :)

Cos I want to affect people and affect them positively, so that they are lifted and moved forward. :)

30 Nvo 2010 - the answer is clear

the answer is clear. I am not ready to see toulia yet and God has made sure that its that way.
I was supposed to go to Wanhei's bday party at star city. But Diana decided to have our Christmas party that same faithful night.
I also decided not to head to star city to catch up with them all.

Now (a week later) i see wanhei's photos and realised that toulia was there at the party.

I dont know what to think.

perhaps it was good that i was not there. i would not have been in the space to be in his pressence.

and perhaps i am reading wrongly into everything. cos i think that God knew and orchestrated the separation.

I was too tired. if not, i would have turned up after christmas dinner. and i would have run into him.

which is a better choice, i dont know. but i do know that God didnt want us to meet.

30 Nov 2010 - Revelation!

Suddenly had a few thoughts dawn on me after reading something last night.

Read Prov 15 - NIV & Message version. was caught by the following verses
- v1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
(A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.)
- v13 A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day

And this book:-
- Life does not consist of those who make me feel I count. It consists of how much value I add to the life of others.
- My worth is not determined by who I attract, rather by WHOM I affect and HOW I affect them.
- My worth through God's eyes has already been determined. In His eyes I am priceless. There is nothing on earth that can match my worth. That's why Jesus had to come and suffer and die for me. Now I have the awesome responsibility of redeeming my worth here on earth by glorifying God (by contributing to others)

And suddenly I remember who I am. the mentality and attitudes that I had before i met toulia!
When I prayed for someone then, it was for someone whom I can contribute to.
But along the way, it became so selfish. And it was all about how I am not being fulfilled.

So peace settled in, and I am filled with energy and joy again.
Cos once again I see the value and purpose of my life. And if I am not contributing to a person, I would rather not be in the person's life/space so that someone else who can can be in that space. :)

Strongly believe that if i am able to hold on to this revelation that I have received, my entire world will change. Nothing will get to me. :)

27 Nov 2010 - depressed

Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide. No one to turn to, no one to find.

i just feel so depressed that i dont know what to do.

cant stop crying.

its not good being depressed yet i cant help feeling so down.

i think i still cant believe that toulia and i have broken up. i'm still in denial that he could actually just walk out and walk away and not talk to me about it. there was no discussion, no explanation. just a decision. so cold, so hard.

i know so much. yet i have so little revelation. i am such a wreck.

someone help me...

if not for my family, i am so tempted to end my life. everything that i do is just so... tasteless.... i just cant enjoy myself ....

just because of a guy... how can that be? that's ridiculous...

25 Nov 2010 - Upset

Feeling upset n down again. 
When will I get out of this? 

Is it really the food that's affecting me? Or the hormones during my monthly cycle? Or is it just me?

Can't help but feel depressed. Have been having dreams bout toulia. The pain is still around. I've pretty much gotten used to not having someone. But the pain still lingers. 

Help me God! 

Little things that people say get to me. Help me Daddy! 

I don't like being like this yet I don't know how to change. I've tried many times but not succeeded. 

I need You to get to the bottom of this so that I can be free of it's grip. Jesus came so that I can be free and I want to be free Daddy. 

I really need to get over this. The anger, the depression, the need for someone. All of it. 

Help!

18 Nov 2010 - Renewed

After crying for almost an entire day, my tears have been spent. The heartache's also gone away. 

And my trust in God is renewed. 

I didn't understand why God brought toulia into my life. And I can't accept why toulia left. I also don't understand why God allowed me to experience all the pains in my life. 

But I do know that everything that I have experienced in life has made me stronger. God causing me to turn toward Him has also given me more faith. And it is no longer empty faith. 

Knowing and trusting that God is in charge and He is aware of everything that's happening in my life, I feel safer and more secure. 

I don't feel as though I have to sort all the issues out myself. Cos God is doing it for me. I just have to be willing. And I am willing. 

Walking past the wedding boutique, I felt like God was poking fun at me. Cos He knows I want to get married dearly. And meeting Andrew klux who has a love for racing felt like another poke in the rib. So different from the God that I thought I knew who was serious, loving, gentle, kind, tender hearted. 

I guess God wanted me to lighten up. 

Thankfully this time round my brain didn't go into analysis paralysis and think and wonder if it was a message from God regarding toulia. 

Bring able to have fun and joke with God is really awesome! Having cried in His pressence the entire day and having Him said nothing to stop me from crying accept allow me to pour all my sorrows out to Him was so loving! Such a privilege! 

Boy do I enjoy time with Daddy. And finding out more and more ways where He is with me is just nothing but awesome! 

I'm so thankful for God loving me!

18 Nov 2010 - Still Hurting

Who am I lying to? I am still hurting. Yet I communicate to others that I m getting better. That I am copin. N Gos has just showed me that I am not. So no amount of brainwash telling myself that I trust Him that I know He has great plans for me will keep the pain away. 

What am I crying for? I duno. I just know it hurts. After so long it still hurts. It's painful. 

Daddy what should I do? 
I'm losing the will to live. If You don't live my life for me I'm going to just waste away. Daddy You must do something please. I really can't bear this pain any further. Heal me. Take away my pains Daddy. 

Why does it hurt so much? And after so long too? Why does it hurt so much?

10 Nov 2010 - Still thinking

Daddy, what is happening to me? Y am I questioning life so much? Y am I questioning everything so much? 

With all the questions that I ask I still can't find any answers. What do I do? Can you please show me - what life is all about?
I attend courses, listen to preaching and everyone say that life is bout relationships. But the world says otherwise. The world focuses on the material things that u have given us. The world says that life is about success. And success is the name or status that we have accomplished or the assets that we have amassed. 

But Daddy God, that is so empty. It is so meaningless. 

So show me Daddy- how do I live my life?! What do I look for? What do I seek? What does it mean to seek Your kingdom? 

Daddy show me - what plans You have for me! What do You want me to do? How do You want me to live my life so it is not empty?! 

:(

7 nov 2010 - letting go

I decided that I will not let my emotions and feelings hold me back. They've done enough harm for sometime already. I refuse to live under the master of my emotions.

My God is good. My God is great. He is the controller of the universe He created. He is responsible for my life.

I put my trust in Him and no one else.

I know I still love toulia. But the memories of him and the time we spent together is just too painful for me so I have decided to let him go. I will not hold on to anything about him anymore.

I know my worth. He is a good man. So am I. If he is unable to see past a mistake I made, a weakness I have and holds it against me, then it is his loss. He is not worth my time. He is not worth me remembering and hoping for.

I know that I am good enough for him. I know that I am good for him, to help him and support him through the tough times. If he cannot see through all of that then it's useless cos he can't see the person that I am and appreciate me.

31 oct 2010 - small

Looking at the vast population of Sydney I can't help but feel small. So tiny and small that I'm insignificant.  

Lead me by Sanctus Real and Simon's comments bout how his life changed cos he is married only brings tears to my eyes and an aching to my heart. 

I wonder for how long more will I be broken hearted. I feel so lonely amidst this ocean of people. 

I question the nature of relationships. Why are we people all getting together to form families and children? What propells us? What motivates us? Is it cos we r lonely? Is it cos everyone is doing it? 

Most importantly, why do I want it? Why does 1 sentence by him cause so much heartache? Why does his denial of my desire to be married to him tear me apart so much? Why did it cause such a big hole in my heart? Why is it still causing so much pain after so long? 

Is it cos of what I think it says about me? Cos his actions and his one sentence seem to say a thousand words? That I am not worthy? That I am not wanted? That I am of no worth and value to him. Is that what hurts? The rejection? 

And do I miss him so much and yearn for him cos he rejected me? Or is it cos we were truly God's match? 

Too many unanswered questions. Too little answers. I jus want the pain to go away. I jus want to stop feeling my heart at my throat whenever someone talks about marriage and engagement and babies.

Though I hurt, I don't know what to say to those around me. I don't want to burden them with my pain. Lord I don't know what to do. Help me.