Its been happening for awhile. However I am unable to tell if it is a sign from God or just a coincidence (although I hardly believe in coincidence) or i'm just analysing things too much.
each and every time I run into Toulia or see his name somewhere or have a message that seems to be encouraging me to hold on, I had just been praying about my situation with him and crying out to God.
I honestly want to believe that it is from God, however cos I want it so bad, I have difficulty believing that it is from God. Cos I know that it could mean nothing (although if I have not mistaken, all things happen for a reason. There are no coincidences with God).
When I prayed about whether to wish him Happy Birthday or not, I end up sitting 2 seats away from him. And then he disappears for a long time.
Next I am upset and in the toilet and just telling God that I trust Him and although I cant see anything happening and I'll give up on toulia and not bother, I run into him in the garage.
And today, I am feeling upset again. I know that I am slowly forgetting him. Not that its a bad thing. But i still wish so badly that things were not the way they are. And I tell God that regardless of what I see, I trust Him, that He has a plan for me. and that's what matters. and then i take a paper bag that has a note and toulia's name is on it. it is addressed to him.
It could really be nothing. just coincidence cos his things are around. but it is really too much of a coincidence. At the same time, I find it hard to believe that after so long, God is still saying that toulia is who He has in mind for me and asking me not to stop believing!
I mean, seriously! It is pointless telling me that if the guy whom I am told that he is the one I will spend my life with, if he does not believe it, he does not hear it and is not sensitive to what God is telling him! It is ridiculous that I am hearing a different message from what he is receiving! this is ridiculous! so who IS listening to God?!
:_(
I am really struggling. :(
there's alot in my life now that I dont want it to be that way.
- the way i am
- how i get angry or rather how i respond when i am angry
- how i communicate or rather the lack of it or my inability to communicate how i feel and where i am at and what i need.
i want it all to get better. i want to grow. and i know i have grown. yet it is just not enough. i am still so useless. there are so many things that i still just cannot do right!
If not for God, if not for His grace and mercy, I dont think I can amount to anything!
I feel peace, yet I feel turmoil. I dont know what to do.
I want to do something, yet I dont want to do something.
There are just so many conflicting emotions I just dont know what to do.
I am afraid of going ahead and just doing some things cos i might just be getting ahead of myself. :(
yet i am afraid that if i dont do it now, i might just forget!
basically, i want everything!
I want to be perfect i think!
i think that's the problem!
:(
oh wells.... there goes another negative thought. need 10 positive thoughts to cast that one out! :P
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