31 oct 2010 - small

Looking at the vast population of Sydney I can't help but feel small. So tiny and small that I'm insignificant.  

Lead me by Sanctus Real and Simon's comments bout how his life changed cos he is married only brings tears to my eyes and an aching to my heart. 

I wonder for how long more will I be broken hearted. I feel so lonely amidst this ocean of people. 

I question the nature of relationships. Why are we people all getting together to form families and children? What propells us? What motivates us? Is it cos we r lonely? Is it cos everyone is doing it? 

Most importantly, why do I want it? Why does 1 sentence by him cause so much heartache? Why does his denial of my desire to be married to him tear me apart so much? Why did it cause such a big hole in my heart? Why is it still causing so much pain after so long? 

Is it cos of what I think it says about me? Cos his actions and his one sentence seem to say a thousand words? That I am not worthy? That I am not wanted? That I am of no worth and value to him. Is that what hurts? The rejection? 

And do I miss him so much and yearn for him cos he rejected me? Or is it cos we were truly God's match? 

Too many unanswered questions. Too little answers. I jus want the pain to go away. I jus want to stop feeling my heart at my throat whenever someone talks about marriage and engagement and babies.

Though I hurt, I don't know what to say to those around me. I don't want to burden them with my pain. Lord I don't know what to do. Help me.  

Minah said he has alot to learn. An I dun care. That's his journey with God. Not mine. He's hurt me n I dun wana know him anymore. I jus wana forget him. I can't think or see past my current days. N it's a daily struggle not to find someone to take the place. To fill the gap. I know it would be easier. But it will not make me better in the long run. I won't be healed n whole. N that would affect my future generation. N I dun want that to happen.

I need patience n I have to persevere. I cannot let the devil get the better of me n steal the privileged relationship with God.