Its been an interesting week.
from realising that i've nothing for Andrew to having my resentment towards minah revealed and forgiveness released.
its honestly still amazing. God is amazing.
And i want to learn more about love, about humility.
i promised God that from now i will change in the way i respond to things. i will hold my tongue until the next day before i speak regarding any matter. i will write it down and when it no longer matters the next day, i'll cross it out. if it matters, i'll deal with it.
and by the end of the year, i want to have been moved up another level in the capacity to love.
i still miss toulia. but it hurts much less now. the thought of the loss of the relationship, the loss of the friendship causes hurt. especially the thought that he now hates me. i really wish that he could be here to hold me and tell me everything is ok. but that wish is far from reality.
terence said that ash has a job offer for me back in sg. should i go?
money wise, it definitely has to be worth my while for me to go back. however i dont think that it will be. they wont pay me so much.
but i have just grown my roots deeper into the grounds here. shall i uproot them just to chase after money?
no i dont think so. God will provide and increase the blessings that i have. He will provide for the money that i need. whether it is for the house or for the car or anything else that i really wana do.
I feel that there are alot of truths about myself that i dont even know. and i am only starting to realise them. through everything that's happening and the courses i am taking.
e.g. andrew said that i behave like a girl who has grown up with sg guys. but i beg to differ. i think that when i am with girls i am different. i know i have a tendency to blend in and model the people i am with. i dont know if it is good or bad. i guess if i am modelling only the good things, then it is good otherwise, it is bad. cos i should have wisdom in picking what i model.
i think i modelled toulia for him to see. so my anger is exemplified by how he reacts. i dont know. its all wild guesses.
but i do know that i model people to blend in with the group.
i am also learning more about what i value and my character. i am also learning to say no. as well as focus on me and my journey with God rather than others. i'm glad that God shut my mouth about minah. cos she didnt pay for the course, so it was not a waste of money. she had already decided that she wont join cos of the costs. however id id not knwo that and so each time she did not turn up, i just felt that she was irresponsible. thank God for revealing the truth to me.
i am also glad to be able to be of strength and support to others around me. and i thank God for putting the words of wisdom in my mouth so that others will be impacted. like last night's college where i shared about pride. it is something i've learnt and something i'm working on and want to see changed. and sharing that helped open some people's eyes. thank God for that. i would never have been able to open their eyes.
anyways, last day of the week. work to be done, campaigns to be churned out. and we'll take it from there. i dont want to take on too many things at a time. first priority is moving house.
after that then i'll look for the car. most to most, i'll get quarterly tickets since i do want to get a car. it would be great to get a car before summer so i can do more stuff.
in the midst of all these, i need to consistently and regularly spend time with God. That is the most important. I cannot forget. ITs the foundation of my happiness!
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