22 Dec 2010 - what i want to say

There are so many things on my mind. SO many things I want to say. But most importantly, I really want to make things right with toulia.

I know that by restricting him to selected services cos I attend the Sunday day service (9 & 11) and i serve in the sat night service, I am not being fair to him. And I want to make it right by lifting that restriction. I know that he even has respected that and not really turned up at those service times cos he is a gentleman. I dont know if he did it cos he loved me, or cos he was just restricted. regardless, I am thankful. It gave me time and space to heal and recover.

I still dun understand what happened and why he chose to walk away instead of trying to make things work. But i have grown so much since and without this event happening, I doubt that i will be able to have that growth, so I am thankful for it too.
sigh... Daddy... will i ever be able to make it right? Will he ever be able to forgive me for it?

I really love him alot. And as i read more about relationships, i really want to share so many things with him. i miss the times that we used to hang out. :(

i really loved the times that i spent with him. i really wish that he would call. :(

so tempted to write him a letter and just pass the gift to simon to pass to him. however, i really dont have the peace to do it. somehow i guess its not time yet. perhaps in the new year. its pointless to write the letter if i am to meet with him, which I really hope that God will make it happen. My trust really is in God and if He doesnt make it happen, I definitely cant.

And i really just have to surrender.

It is a really painful time, cos I really miss him and want to be back with him. But yet, it is something that I cant say. I really wish that he still misses me and the good times that we spent together. And that he has the courage to take the step to give things another shot between the two of us.

Lord help me!