After the very encouraging declaration of boldness to trust in God for a restoration of my relationship with Toulia, I was bombarded with fears of "what ifs". What if he still didnt want to talk to me. What if he still hates me. What if he has a new interest already? What if, what if, what if.
And of cos, the "hows". How should i do it? Should i sms him, or call him or email him? What would be the best? And what would i say?
Then back to the what ifs.
It took an entire morning of struggling with God to believe and trust that He will see things through as He had and has always promised and done so. For my house, for my work and for my relationship.
This is the first and I strongly believe that it will also be the last relationship that I will have, and that I have trusted in God for. He provided the meeting. He provided the open doors and He kept things going.
I know my Daddy God is not a schitzo. He will not cause us to meet and fall in love and then say we are a wrong match for one another. True there is free will. And that is the cause of hurts and pains that we cause one another. If it is God's plan, nothing, no mistake that we make will ever be big enough to stop His plans.
When I took the first step to call him, it was hard. It was scary. Cos of the what ifs. cos of the disbelieve i had cos of the current situation. but God is sovereign. He is in control. If it is not the right time, He would not have spoken to me about it. I trust that my actions and thoughts are guided by the Holy spirit in me. And if it was my wrong judgment, that God will have the grace for me to deal with it.
The first call was long. He did not pick up. I questioned if he was avoiding my call or authentically busy and could not pick up. I was so disappointed when the call ended and he did not pick up. And I prayed. I could not lose hope. I asked that God work it out. My trust is in Him. I will call again if i need to, but the feeling was really overwhelming. I was so disappointed.
As I read the prayer to encourage myself and build my trust, suddenly the phone rang. something i never expected. He rang back!
Although his answer was rather disappointing, asking who I was cos he got a missed call, we managed to have a chat. it was nice.
i hope he feels the same too. My hope is in God. No one else can help me. And if God doesnt open the doors, no one else can.
Now that I got through to his phone, now it is up to him to get back to me regarding coffee. again, there is the fear of rejection.
i know there will be heaps more along the way. loads of what ifs that will get in the way. and I can only lean into God.
Although Minah is aware of what's happening, there is nothing that she can do. She is only human. I am in this alone with God. I feel that no one can understand. My heart leaps with joy, yet it is burdened with fear.
I need to keep placing my trust back on God, that He knows what is happening and what to do, and IS doing something about it all.
There's so much i want to say, but i dont know if it will ever be said. I must and can only trust that my thoughts and actions are guided by God. No longer shall I doubt it. No longer will I fear that my mistkae might be so great that God cant deal with it.
God is sovereign. He is Almighty. He is El Shaddai! He created the world. He created me. He knows what I am going through. How can He not be powerful enough to turn my mistakes around? And He will provide sufficient grace for me to deal with the consequences. Nothing is bigger than My God!
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