Woke up this morning angry and upset. Struggle to push away those emotions, cos I felt that it was bringing me towards a spiral down. Felt desperate. Thank God I found some peace and was later able to face the anger and hurt.
Had a dream and Toulia was in there. Again, causing me pain.
Thao also came to mind. And made me angry. I was angry at myself for allowing the men in my life to treat me the way they did. I felt so victimized. I felt so angry. I couldn’t understand why God couldn’t bring someone into my life who would love me and treat me well. I really thought Toulia would cos he was just so perfect.
He was the first guy who told me he liked me before he even tried to get physically intimate with me. He actually asked me to be his gf. I think I have forgotten how it is like to be treated well. After all the years of putting up with men’s cowardice, Toulia had been the perfect guy. He treated me well.
But not well enough. I still don’t think it is entirely his fault that we ended up having sex. We both didn’t want to. But our previous relationships were all based on sexual intimacy. And we both just didn’t know how to have a relationship without it. We both tried. We tried so hard.
God, where were You? You knew how hard we tried. Yet You allowed this to fall apart. You knew that we didn’t want it this way. Yet You didn’t give us the support we needed. Why?!
I know we should have gone for counseling earlier. But my will was not strong enough to convince Toulia. and I didn’t turn to God to ask for it. I know now it is my folly not to have turned to God. I just didn’t know how. And the need to protect myself is so strong that it was just so hard to let it go and give it to God. I know there is something in my past that has caused this need to be protective. To defend. I don’t know what it is. Might boil down to the same issue of my value. I don’t know.
I asked Johan yesterday about his avoiding of Toulia. and just as I had expected, he did not. Cos that is not what I experienced from him. He is not like that. But Dhani. I cant speak for him. I get that from Dhani too. I felt that rejection.
But that’s Dhani. And if he is not able to stand up and deal with the issue responsibly then it is HIS problem, not mine. I cannot understand why Toulia had to take it so personally. They were not even friends to start off with. Toulia knew Dhani from me. So what’s the big deal? And after the incident, Dhani was the only one who behaved that way. That is his own immaturity. If Toulia didn’t like it, he could have pulled Dhani up about it rather than gone ahead to assume things. I don’t know how true it is that Dhani was avoiding Toulia. I honestly just think it was Toulia feeling inadequate about how he handled the incident in dec.
And as for loren, I honestly cant be bothered with her. I know that I did her wrong. But I am not in that space to care about her as yet. This was the same struggle that I had. I was not ready to handle her, yet I forced myself to, cos I keep thinking it is important to treat people well. But I end up neglecting myself. I cannot do that again. I keep putting people first and forget about myself.
Even in the case of Minah. I put her first and forgot all about myself. And I ended up carrying a huge burden. Toulia knows now, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t give a shit. He just doesn’t listen to a single thing I say anymore. Daddy I don’t know what happened.
You know that I am right on several occasions. Yet Toulia cant hear it. Did You cover his ears? Or did the devil do that cos he didn’t want the reconciliation?
:_(
I’m really sad. It hurts so deep. I wana forget everything that happened. I want to forget all of him. I don’t want to remember his existence. I don’t want to remember knowing him. It hurts too much. Someone whom I have loved so much and given so much. Yet he has rejected me. He doesn’t see the good in me.
I know lots of people had talked about that I am better off without him. And that relationships sometimes just don’t work out cos of personality clashes, etc. but I feel otherwise. All relationships can be worked out. What needs to happen is commitment and communication. And there was a huge lack of communication on our part. He felt that he couldn’t come to me. But that was not the case. That was his own insecurity. Daddy You know that. I am so upset. Everything has become my fault. Why did he have to bother so much about what people thinks?
There are always things that we don’t know we are doing. We just need someone to love us enough to point it out to us, not being afraid of the outcome. Why Daddy why? Why couldn’t Toulia do that? Is it cos of his own childhood? But that’s not my fault. Why did he blame me for that?
I don’t know what his road is going to be. And in all that cynicism, I just feel that he is only going to be counseled regarding his sexual issues. They would not cover anything else. But I don’t know. You are the amazing God. One day, You’ll have him come back to me and say he is sorry for misunderstanding me. And take responsibility and tell me that the relationship could have worked out if not for his issues that he didn’t know how to deal with.
Everything that he has told me. They were all excuses. The part about him shutting down and pulling things apart when he wants to relax. You know that I have no issues with him doing that. I just want his time. But cos he just doesn’t give him his time, I feel so neglected. I don’t need him to talk to me all the time! I have no issues letting go off to do what he wants to do. But I don’t know when he wants to relax and when he is ok to talk. He doesn’t say anything like that.
Do You really think that we are so poorly matched? :_(
Daddy help me Lord. Help me get over this pain. Help me get over this rejection. Heal me. Help me understand that nothing matters as much as Your love for me.
I feel so alone. I am surrounded by friends yet I feel so alone. When I don’t hear from them, I feel abandoned. Daddy I don’t want to feel this way. Help me. Get me out of here!
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